So this morning I'm feeling like our marriage failing was all my fault.
W has expressed to me how resentment/anger had built up inside her and I feel like that was on me to fix/address all those things that had built up inside of her although it sounds like it was a long list. To be honest I don't understand resentment all that well. I mean the way I did some things or did not do other things I know bothered her, but I guess I never knew to the degree that they did. Thing is I don't feel like I ever had anything about her that I resented or if I did I was somehow able to process them through without losing my feelings of love and respect for her.
I just feel like there is SO MUCH I failed at. W has said I didn't listen, said she told me over and over, said she was frustrated that we didn't seem to be on the same wavelength. Now my IC has said a long time ago that W took all of her resentment/anger/etc and projected it on to me. I loved my W and would have done anything to make her happy. I feel like I was just deaf or didn't understand what really bothered her. As I've been through before I don't believe she was vulnerable to really sharing with me her feelings by saying "This thing that you do really hurt me". I wonder why if W felt we weren't hearing each other, then why didn't we seek outside help to figure that out.
Of course then the other thing is...as I'm told her believe nothing that she says and 50% of what she does. Could all of this be W just painting our sitch in absolute worst case narratives? Maybe I truly do deserved to be D'd a 2nd time. But if she did not handle/process her resentment effectively with me, I mean no one is perfect so won't this just recur for her if she moves on to someone else? If I'm this terrible/oblivious to this type of stuff in relationships...really perhaps it's better if I stop trying to find a true love.
Really would love comments on this topic. I feel like such a complete mess and failure. It's like W had a million and one complaints about me, some I could have addressed, but others I couldn't. Only got 2 hours sleep last night. Feeling like giving W the D she wants would be an act of compassion on my part for all of the failures/unhappiness I've supposedly caused her.
