Yet Another LBS w/ WAW

[Vanilla]

You may want to take the ACES high test. If you do would love to know your score.

V

[hongaku]

Awesome, V. I really appreciate the resources! I will have chance later today to check some of this stuff out. I saw my boys yesterday and last night was really rough for me as I got stuck missing my family being a family. I am seeing them again this morning to take them to an early film showing. Trying to keep my confidence and self-esteem up!

[Vanilla]

Hey Hong don't try ok. Weasel word.

If you want to miss them, allow yourself a good wallow and self pity.

Set a time limit on it.

V

[hongaku]

V, my ACE score was 5.

So, there is no try, only do or do not, eh?

I definitely let the sadness hit me when it needs to. Last night was the first time it had happened in a week.

[Vanilla]

That's great Haku, the sadness can be a healing emotional bath. And cry, tears are amazing. Lacrimal fluid is toxic, it gets that junk out of your body.

Let a fresh spring shower.

V

[Vanilla]

Ace score of 5 shows trauma but it will be resolvable at that level. And mainly you will be able to heal with work.

Try googling the TED talk on the importance of ACES and it's affect on your health.

Knowing your score is vital, you can't clear what you don't know.

Haku you are on your way to health.

V

[hongaku]

This is more of a journaling post than anything else. I was in a really down place for a good couple of weeks there, from about 13 June through 1 July. I'm doing much better now and the resources V suggested have been a big part of that.

My interactions with my W over that down period were not really well handled by me, more in the sense that I didn't effectively use the opportunities I had to interact when picking up and dropping my boys off. Nothing really horrible happened in terms of fighting or arguing, or me being pressuring and using pursuit behavior or anything like that. In fact, I have very successfully been following the 37 rules in general. I did attempt to go super "businesslike" for a bit, but I realized that if anything I was only coming across as cold, angry and mean rather than courteous and businesslike. So I dropped doing that because it just didn't feel natural or helpful and went back to a more "casual neighbors" approach which is much more natural feeling and seems to be received better by my W in terms of opening her up a bit in those brief opportunities to engage.

This past weekend, during a rather friendly and warm exchange with lots of sustained eye contact and standing comfortably close to one another, she mentioned that she had been holding on to some papers for me to sign that would remove me from the lease at the family home, but had not given them to me and wanted to talk to me about it at another time. Still hasn't happened yet. Then, on Monday she shared a TedTalk with me via email. The first non-kid related thing she has sent me since I moved out. It was on "The Art of Being Yourself" and I don't know what to make of it and didn't respond to the email. It wasn't anything revelatory for me as I have been devouring self-help books for 6 months now and nothing in the talk was anything I hadn't already become well acquainted with conceptually. The only thing she wrote in the email with the video link was "THIS." (in all caps with a period). So, I assume that this talk had struck a chord with her; however, I'm aware of the dangers of trying to mind-read and speculate too much on the motives and thinking of another, so I really have no idea what she was trying to say. Finally, on Tuesday, I was going through my kindle content and noticed she had that day purchased 2 books on the subject of love relationships and overcoming problems in them (we have our amazon accounts linked for household sharing of e-books). I naturally want to think of this as an objectively positive sign, but again, speculation and mind-reading.

Since using the resources V suggested, particularly the "I Am Enough" hypnosis modules, my W has not been on my thoughts in an as all-consuming way as she was previously (it was near constant that her and the sitch were all I could think about). I still think about her a lot, no doubt, but I'm able to focus more on the GAL aspects of things than before. I've had only one night in the past nearly 2 weeks where I was lost in sadness about my sitch and the family and missing her and broke down in tears. Beyond that I feel like I'm starting to turn towards detaching and though I'll probably have more relapses, I'm feeling more confident than I have in a good long while!

[Vanilla]

Haku

We will work to get you to the best place we can. You will heal although it takes time and it's not a straight road.

It's going to be ok

When you are more grounded then goals are a great idea I think.

V

[hongaku]

Thank you, V.

Letting go is where I need to get to. I've realized that I have a lot of work to do on myself before I can effectively work on a new relationship with my W. There are some little things I can do to make the most of the times we communicate, but some important change needs to occur for myself first before anything else. Even though it's still many, many months before D can be filed for, I have to reach acceptance of the fact that it is more likely than not to end in a D. I know my W didn't reach this point overnight and that she was emotionally detaching from me for at least 2 years before BD and the damage that led to that had obviously been accumulating for longer than that. I didn't see or realize what was happening. I have to somehow forgive myself in all of this as well. Without meaning to, I pushed my W away and drained her love for me. I caused her to hold the belief she now has that I cannot change and therefore the MR cannot change, and the only alternative is to D. The BD, like many LBS before me, was the wake-up call that shook the sleep out of my eyes for real. And I have to accept and internalize the possibility that it could be too late now no matter what I do or how awesome I become. And I have to find a way to be okay with that.

The fact that I'm now working on myself and trying to change is just viewed by her as more of the same pattern of promising change and not being able to keep it up. My untreated depression was the biggest hinderance in my inability to follow through on the change that I wanted to make and that she has long hoped I would. All she can understand though is the pattern I showed her and even though she knows about the depression, it's just another reason to her that supports her not wanting to be with me and something she doesn't want to "deal with". The time it will likely take to show her that I'm making meaningful and lasting changes will probably exceed the time it will take to have arrived at a D, and by then she may not care anymore. And although I know that D doesn't necessarily mean that reconciliation can never happen, I know I have to really and truly be prepared for life without her as my partner. Right now, I know I'm not there yet and am still emotionally shocked and grieving deeply. I don't want to be without her. We have 3 boys that will keep us by necessity in some kind of contact with each other for a long time and probably even the rest of our lives. This gives me both hope and sadness. I don't want to only be her friend, but I would rather be her friend than an adversary. For the sake of our children and my own sake. She is a truly wonderful person and an absolutely great Mom. She just reached her breaking point with me, and I can't blame her for wanting to be happy and holding the resentment towards me she does. I earnestly want her to be happy. I just wish that she could still see the possibility of us being able to arrive at happiness together as a couple and an intact family. I know that it is possible she can change her mind again and that nothing is certain in an unknown future. But I have to let go, too. Either way I have to let go or I cannot make the changes I need to make for myself. I have to actually accept that the MR as it was is over, regardless of what happens between us in the future or D actually comes to pass.

Although the self-loathing, self-destructive, anger turned inwards depression is under control and I'm rebuilding my self-esteem and confidence, there are other things that went along with the depression that caused a lot of the damage. Like many who have suffered with depression, I am passive aggressive. That can't be treated with medication and it is behavior that although I wasn't really aware of even engaging in to the extent that I have until recently, has done a great deal of damage to the relationship with my W and probably most relationships in my life, personal and professional. This is hands down the biggest behavioral 180 I have to make. It has done the most damage to my life and I have to figure out how to change it. Even though I have made a lot of positive change since the BD, this behavior is still sabotaging my interactions with W since then as well. It will prevent entirely any possibility of ever reconciling and continue to damage all relationships in my life moving forward if I don't get it under control.

Another huge 180 I must make is being a more involved father. I love my boys dearly and they love me, and I haven't been a horrible Dad. But I could have been doing a whole lot better, too. This one will be tougher because being separated, I now don't have the time I would like to spend with them and my current living situation doesn't allow for a lot of overnight visitation. My W wants custody terms that put the boys in her primary care and gives me every other weekend and alternating holidays, etc.; essentially I would not see my boys but for maybe 30% of the year and maybe less than that. I recognize the need for stability for them and right now, that stability is in line with what she wants. She is and has been for a long time the primary breadwinner, and that isn't likely to change even when I get a job again as she is simply farther along and more positioned than I am professionally. So, while it isn't what I want, it is in the boys' best interest in a lot of ways. This however will obviously make it challenging to be a more involved father and I will have to make the most of the time I will have with them. This is also a 180 that my W won't directly see much of, but that isn't really the point. It is for my boys and me, not her. I do want her to take notice of it, naturally, but it is not about her.

Beyond that, getting a job and being a successful, confident man with a good attitude and a life is what I need to do for myself. I hope I can start making real progress on all of these things quickly, and I hope my W does start noticing and that it makes a difference. But reaching that necessary shift in my emotional and mental attitude is not easy. And I know that patience is what I really need with myself and with my W, no matter how quickly I might wish for things to turn around.

[Vanilla]

OK, one change I do want to ask you to make is to stop using I must, I should, I ought to.

The mind doesn't like it, it resists being told to do something, I would like you to say the powerful word choose.

I choose to shift from passive aggressive stance.

I choose to build a great R with my children.

I choose to treat my depression with every tool I can find, an that can include medical intervention. Do that which works.

Choose to drop the negative too. If I say to you 'don't drop that vase, don't think about pink elephants dancing with hippos'. What happens? Yep those damn elephants drop the vases on the hippos!

Know that you did the best you could, when you know more you will do better.

I really like your attitude of working on you.

Take your time, you have the gift of time, use it.

Don't change, shift instead. Shift happens in a moment and I have seen so many times how shift upon shift happens.

I can already see small shifts, it's amazing to be part of that journey with you.

I am going to consider what freebie tools I can find for assertiveness training, that is a new soft skill set to replace passive aggressive responses which is NMMNG.

Excellent, really proud of your shifts.

V