Newcomer

[jaylove]

A bit of journaling about today
I walked the kids to school then cycled 28km (about 19 Miles) had a few brief interactions with W, it’s really weird having her back home after over four weeks of her being away - after all that time having intensive therapy and counselling she is still raging about things, saying I can’t possibly understand what it was like for her (and I have been working on validating)
Certainly the lady I knew and loved has not returned home and I’ve politely informed her that I will not engage in angry, confrontational discussions with her.
I swam 1 km and cycled home - 2290 calories of active energy today!
I did he laundry for th family and folded it and put it away and spent a few hours on DB- reading though archives and posts from experienced DB-ers. Doing that daily is really helping me to train myself to use these techniques. Things like treat W like one would treat a neighbour and the picnic thread seem really relevant.
My BD was a few weeks ago and I’ve had terrible anxiety, periods of rage and fear and many other emotions, but somehow today (even having been told that the D petition will arrive tomorrow) it’s been the first day when I think I’ve started to reach some level of acceptance of what’s happening to me, that I can not control what my W is doing and that I can only control how I react to the sitch- this feels like the first night that I will be able to get to sleep in a non panicking state.
Whereas when I first got the BD and I looked at my favourite photos of our family on my phone and became very tearful, today I’ve realised that those memories of happy times will always be there and because rheunWERE happy times, that doesn’t mean that there is any guarantee that we would continue to have those happy times.

I still hope that my W’s issues re her childhood can be fixed up and hope that there is a possibility for a future together BUT I’m certain that a future together would have to involve us BOTH making changes - I really wouldn’t want to continue being like we’ve been foe the past year- her drinking and abusive behaviour and my attempts to change her rather than me making an effort to change how I react.

As I mentioned in my first thread, we’ve had it hard- my three bouts of cancer and the ensuing depression and financial problems it caused me (credit card debt ) W suffering from abusive behaviour from both of her parents, her mother’s death two years (which left W with lots of unresolved issues ) and it’s almost criminal that we didn’t seek professional marriage guidance help to get us through these problems.

I’ve learnt so much about myself from being on this board - thanks once again to everyone who has pitched in to offer advice to me, during one of the worst periods of my life you have all provided light in a very dark period.

Let’s see what tomorrow brings, I’m really thinking about doing a major 180 and telling w that she can take the two younger boys abroad (in the U.K. it’s iilegal to take children abroad without the other spouses written permission) and I’ll be working on detaching and giving her whatever space she needs.
Let’s see if Mr Postman brings the divorce petition..