Advice on my Scenario Pt. 19 - Valhalla Cometh

[OrangeK]

Thank you Sandi.

I have come to expect 2x4's from you (which i needed and appreciate!!!)
So to get a positive reflection from you is paramount. Just reading that improved my mood.

I am in the process of making plans for my birthday, and if none materialize, then i am just going to go out by myself for a night on the town.
I live in "The City" now, so my options are plentiful.

I did have a really great weekend. Took S3 out for an AMAZING Weekend.
Saturday We woke up, had breakfast (that i made from myself, S3, SIL and my brother)
then we went out on SIL's fathers boat (S3 loves SIL's Father, they share a name. So they Are Big (Name) and Little Name).
S3 LOVED being out on the ocean, and got to "Drive the Boat"
Then we went back into shore, and went to the Comic Book Store. S3 had a great interest in some science based toddler games, i plan to get some for him. He overlooked all the kiddy stuff and went for the science material. MY BOY!!
Lastly we went to the beach arcade for beach pizza and fun games. (if you dont know what Beach Pizza is, get to the Seacoast in New England and FIND SOME!!!)

Then Yesterday we spent the whole day on the lake at Brothers House. Canoe Rides, Swimming, Picnic lunch.
S3 was in heaven all weekend

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I may still have bumps and struggles, but I AM GETTING THERE!!!!

[SteveLW]

OK, I wouldn't worry to much about the birthday. Birthdays become more mundane the longer you are with someone. My W was the same way for my birthday for the first few years that we were together. But then it settles in and they become cake and ice-cream, and a card. Maybe dinner out. You guys weren't together long enough for that natural progression so I understand the anxiety that a birthday would bring. We see a lot of posters here struggle with birthday, and holidays and other milestone dates. But really they are only what we conjure them up in our mind to me.

[OrangeK]

Im just wondering if she is going to use my birthday as a Hoover Trigger / Attempt.

I think the Limerence is nearing its end.
The mystery and allure of the affair is wearing off. My family has seen OM, met him (i havent)

There is no secret, no drama or suspense.
Now the return to normal, mundane life will set in.
The shine will fade, and its All Matching up with the same timeframes i experienced with WIFE.

12-18 months of Limerance. (OM is at about 15 months right now)
Next will be a year or less of "Normal Relationship" (this is when she started talking to her EX when she was with me, also when she got pregnant and didnt tell me)
Then the Devalue and Discard.

But here I am trying to mind read again. Stupid Me.

[OrangeK]

Im an idiot.

Just asked "How was your night with S3" out of the blue.

that was stupid.

I really REALLY need to work on self control, esp. while at work with too much time to think and ready access to my phone.
Any tips on how to keep the idle mind occupied on other things?

[TBSakaJ9]

Think about her having sex with OM and hopefully that will stop you in your tracks. It works for me.

[OrangeK]

Oooohhh that might not be.......safe. for me.
Still dealing with anger issues.

I will try the "Dehumanize" technique Vanilla mentioned.

I have formulated a Caricature of her in my head as a bobble head toy with a bad "I need to speak to the manager" haircut and a vapid look on her face.

Ill try and stick with that.

Using your method might be detrimental to OM's health if i dwell in that area too long.

[Ginger1]

If you don't mind me asking, what do you do for a living?

Are you doing what you want to do?

Can you be using your time to do nothing to study and research something you really want to do for a living?

[OrangeK]

Not at all Ginger, I am a sales rep at a supplier of public safety equip0ment. Ideally Id like to work full time for a fire department. I was progressing quickly with my education in this during my R with wife. I was actually at the start of my Firefighting level 2 certification class at BD. i finished and passed that during my first few months of separation. I have another EMS cert to get, but its harder since i had to resign from my volunteer department due to residency requirements. The helped pay for classes. Definitely a huge goal to continue at journey.

[OrangeK]

Updates from yesterday

The Text i shouldn't have sent ended up turning into a decent conversation with WIFE about S3.

Here is how the exchange went, this was all yesterday between 5:30pm-10pm

ME: "How was your night with S3 last night?"

WIFE: "Good, he barely stayed awake long enough to get an ice cream after i picked him up, then he passed right out in the car. He slept the rest of the night, even when i tried to wake him. You guys must have had a long fun day! he woke up talking about the Beach, square pizza, and his prizes from the arcade."

ME: "We actually did the beach, arcade and pizza on Saturday after we got in from going out on the ocean.
Yesterday was just spend swimming, canoeing, fishing and looking for turtles on the lake. We had a really fantastic weekend"

WIFE: "Nice, that sounds like a really awesome one. He must have had a blast."

ME: "He did! We all had a great time. Have a good evening with him"

WIFE: " Thanks, will do. My mom said she was going to find something fun to do with him until i am out of work. Cant wait to head home to him"

ME: "Neat! Have fun. Pics always welcome"

WIFE: "Same"

ME: "Anytime. Just reach out if I have him and you want photos. Ttyl"

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Meanwhile, i texted MIL

ME: "Hope you had a good weekend. How is S3?"
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Now it is 9:45pm

WIFE: Sends Picture of S3 asleep on couch at MIL's. MIL is in background in Pajama's
"He barely made it past bathtime tonight, this picture is from earlier"
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10:45pm

MIL: "Sorry, just saw this. I was busy earlier fixing a leak in the sink. We had a good evening."

ME: "Thanks"
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ME: *Sees Pic of S3 sent by wife*
"Thanks"

WIFE: "NP"



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I am a little suspect of the fact that MIL never got back to me about having S3 earlier in the day, as i imagine OM possibly picked him up from school, not MIL.

The fact that the picture was "taken earlier" when MIL claimed to be fixing a leaky pipe, but the pic she was on the couch in her PJ's.
I lived at MIL's house for a year. Never saw her fix a pipe, let alone anything else.

I do still believe that a lot of WIFE's "pleasantness" is faked.

Perfect example of this; On Sunday when WIFE came to pick up S3 at my house (my brothers).
She was scowling like she had the worst day ever when she got out of the car, seemingly always in a bad mood.
Then when SIL turned the corner into WIFE's line of sight, the mask INSTANTLY went on, and she switched from scowling and brooding looking to bubbly happy and being overly nice to SIL who she outwardly hated for years.

That being said, it was the first exchange in some time that didnt turn contentious, and ill buy that for a dollar any day.
I still dont trust her, or believe much of anything she says, but i would much prefer even a fake amicable situation to an outwardly contentious one, so I just kept it pleasant and took the high road.
If this type of communication can become the norm, i wont argue with that.

[SteveLW]

So OK, a bit of a 2x4. You feigned interest in your S3 in order to try to ascertain if he was at OM's or MiL's?

You realize this is a no-no.

This is why you need to be careful about how "over" everything you really are. We've talked before about how you have no control over where she stays even with S3. Unless OM is a sexual predator you have no legal standing to demand she keep S3 away from him.

You can scream, yell, jump up and down, hold your breath, stomp your feet, etc.....you have ZERO control over that.

So concentrate on what you CAN control, and that is sending premeditated texts to your STBXW in the guise of asking about S3.