Need advice on detaching- Part 2

[kiro]

kiro, I really think you need to slow down and just coast for a while. You sound successful at work, likely because you are decisive and get things done. But that doesn't translate to these sorts of things. Patience. Waiting things out. Taking it slow. You were right to tell her that you are weren't ready to for mediation. The problem is that lots of LBHs feel the need to do SOMETHING. Anything. It is the delusion of action (others coined that, not me). But action for action sake isn't necessarily what you should be doing..

I don't feel the need to do something. Or maybe I do I don't know... Well, I have to take on more responsibility (with kids, house, finances, etc.) because she left. I have to readjust my spending habits because I now live on 1 salary (although my salary represents 90% of our previous family income). I have to deal with my emotional ups and downs and be strong. I have to change my social life because many of our outings were for couples. I have to know my rights for a possible D. I need to do 180s. I need to GAL. Etc.

Although I understand what you mean, all these things necessitate action. They won't get done by themselves. And the fact that I am emotionally tired and lonely, means that the effort to do these things is doubled.

I would suggest just coasting. Your post hits on A LOT of big topics. Dating, detachings, DBing (which detaching is part of). Please kiro do not confuse DBing with only being for trying to avoid D, or move to R. DBing is about getting yourself in the best mental frame of mind to move forward whether that is D or R. DBing is about improving yourself to the point that you are ready for your new R, whether that is with your W or someone else. DBing is about being the best you that you can be for everyone involved (STBXW, kids, extended family, friends, etc......)

So don't think that if you are considering giving up on your M that you shouldn't be DBing. Not at all. You should keep GAL, 180ing, detaching and improving yourself no matter if you want R or D!!

Agreed. I usually use the term DBing to mean hoping for a reconciliation. I am aware that I need to continue working on all these other fronts (180s, GAL, etc.).

Not sure why you care about an EA or PA if you really have continued to detach and if you are on the verge of giving up why does it matter?

Let me put it this way. I won't know exactly how I feel about it until I know for sure. It is possible that I will decide to file for D myself when I find out. Also, where I live, we can't file for D until 1 of 2 conditions are met: either we have been separated for 12 months or someone committed adultery.

Maybe it's not rational, but sometimes when I have anger/resentment feelings, I can't stop my mind from thinking about this. It's the thought that she might be having a good time with someone else while the kids and I are struggling to make sense of what just happened to us...

Also, I want to know because I may need to protect my kids if they find out.

Finally, I wonder if that would be a relevant data point to bring up if/when we start mediation for divorce papers.

The best part about your post was where you talked about talking to a lawyer to see what your rights are. You need to do this. Based on your sitch there is a good chance you will go through the D. (Note, that doesn't mean there is no hope for R with your W, just that D might be a step in that process.) And you need to make sure you are legally covered. So many posters here talk about not being able to afford a L, but the reality is that you can't afford to NOT have a L.

Good you agree on one thing I said :))

Based on what you told us, the way she disappeared on Tuesday I would NOT push her to take the kids 50% of the time. Your kids are to the age where they will be able to choose for themselves who they want to be with. My suggestion (and this is where the improving yourself for all those that are left behind in these sitches) would be to be the best dad you can be! Make that decision a no-brainer for your kids. She has set a precedent by abandoning them. Set a precedent by being the father only a fool would want to leave!

Agreed