Arshi - I don't remember the exact timeline, but I think it was around the 8 month mark after BD. I had probably been DBing for 6 months at that point. And I came to this realization over time after dissecting the marriage and what we had both done over the years. Her personality traits are fixable and she would have to commit to the process, just like I did after BD. I started therapy and it has been a huge help for me. If she came right now and said she wanted to work on the MR, my answer would be a 'no'. I would like to see a minimum of 6-8 months of IC at least twice a month and then she can come tell me if she wants to work on the MR. And then I'd commit to a couple of MC sessions to see where she's at and where I am at, and then make decision if I want to continue the MC to invest in rebuilding the MR. I don't think my ask is unreasonable, and I won't budge on it. I know she would think it's unreasonable. So, it's a moot point really. For her to come and ask me to work on the MR would be a massive step in the first place and I don't even see that happening, forget the rest. She is stubborn and prideful as well, on top of the anxiety issues, and so I know that the MR isn't salvageable in my timeline. And the best I can do is control my timeline and my needs and move forward with life.
As Vanilla always says - it is the LBS who makes the final decision.
I am at a place where I am letting some time pass before I start D proceedings. I don't want to be impulsive and let my emotions dictate action. I want to be certain and level-headed, and make sure I am ready for the new chapter in life. I don't want to use the D as some technique. I am almost there and looking forward to the next phase of life. I've had a lot of mental and emotional growth in the last few months, and my IC has been a godsend. I've finally come to understand myself better and I know what things I need to do to be a more grounded person.
