Newcomer

[cdn2a]

I was just direct. Said she couldnt be in the bedroom, she was the cheater and needed to leave.

[ovrrnbw]

Be direct, but calm. Don't get drug into a battle.

[jaylove]

I broached the subject of her being in the MBR and she snapped and said “oh here comes the power struggle” so I backed off.
She’s been looking at houses to rent today so I don’t think she will be around at home for very long.
I’m really trying to back off too and only engage with talk about our children- but this morning she said “it seems like it’s easier to walk away than stay, but neither are really going to be easy” - something I took hope that there were still
Some doubts in her mind.

[Eryam]

Don't count her looking at being anything more than that. When she signs a lease and gets a moving truck, then cross that bridge.

It sounds like there are still doubts in her mind. She's just very overwhelmed right now and escape seems like the thing to do. Humans usually do behaviors that fall into one of four categories: self stimulation (I do it bc it feels good), escape (I do it to get out of something), attention (I do it so you'll look at me), or tangible (I do it bc you have something I want). Right now she's in escape mode. The way to decrease the need to escape is to decrease the demands. So back WAY off. No pressure on her at all. Leave her to make as many decisions as she can if they don't compromise your health or safety or your kids. Natural consequences will take over. Continue living your best life despite her wavering.

Good luck!

[jaylove]

Don't count her looking at being anything more than that. When she signs a lease and gets a moving truck, then cross that bridge.

It sounds like there are still doubts in her mind. She's just very overwhelmed right now and escape seems like the thing to do. Humans usually do behaviors that fall into one of four categories: self stimulation (I do it bc it feels good), escape (I do it to get out of something), attention (I do it so you'll look at me), or tangible (I do it bc you have something I want). Right now she's in escape mode. The way to decrease the need to escape is to decrease the demands. So back WAY off. No pressure on her at all. Leave her to make as many decisions as she can if they don't compromise your health or safety or your kids. Natural consequences will take over. Continue living your best life despite her wavering.

Good luck!

Sound advice - many thanks!

[jaylove]

She just came back home, rather glum, saying that her lawyer advised until we have a childcare arrangement agreed, she can’t get a place and move out with the kids. She is talking about a 50/50 custody agreement anyway.

So here’s the question for you experienced dB-ers:
It’s clear the view here is that I should be in the MBR - however on her discharge from
Hospital I let her take it.
So now, asking that I have it back is really like me putting gas on a fire.
Should I hold off for a few days?
Very tricky sitch for me

[Eryam]

How important is it to you to get the MBR? If it's not super high on your priority list, I'd back off. What's the plan if you guys are still in the same household when your oldest child returns? Is there a spare guest bedroom? I would control what you can control, and that's only you. So personally, I'd sleep elsewhere until she stops spinning her wheels.

7 years ago, even though H was the one to want to D, I was the one who left (with a 3 week old baby). My friends and family thought I was crazy. "He should be the one moving out! He wants the D!" Ok, well, I had no one near me in my house. So I moved in with my dad and stepmother, an hour from me. H then had to deal with the big empty house, with it's lawn that I didn't know how to mow and it's dishwasher that kept breaking. He had no one to blame but himself when sh!t hit the fan. Meanwhile, I was making memories with my newborn and having other family members support us. 6 months later, when I decided to get my own apt bc the drive to work was too much, H asked me to come home.

Just bc they're the one to say they want the D, doesn't mean it's a terrible idea to be the one that moves away for a bit.

[jaylove]

Thanks for your input May

We also have a family holiday booked in two weeks abroad
She has been told that she cannot take our children without my permission- today she asked if she could go with my brother
Being that we now have to live together in the family home until childcare agreements have been made, my view is that considering she has repeatedly said that the main thing is to consider what’s best for our children (which I wholeheartedly agree with, but so far the discussions we’ve had don’t seem to indicate that’s what she really thinks) if we’re toing to have to love together at home, for our children the best holiday would be with their Mum and Dad with them. I also feel if I agree to let my brother go with her, that’s somehow enabling her ?
Any advice please DB-ers!

[jaylove]

Thanks for your input May

We also have a family holiday booked in two weeks abroad
She has been told that she cannot take our children without my permission- today she asked if she could go with my brother
Being that we now have to live together in the family home until childcare agreements have been made, my view is that considering she has repeatedly said that the main thing is to consider what’s best for our children (which I wholeheartedly agree with, but so far the discussions we’ve had don’t seem to indicate that’s what she really thinks) if we’re toing to have to love together at home, for our children the best holiday would be with their Mum and Dad with them. I also feel if I agree to let my brother go with her, that’s somehow enabling her ?
Any advice please DB-ers!

I guess for me a true 180 in this case would be to say go ahead, take the boys

[jaylove]

A bit of journaling about today
I walked the kids to school then cycled 28km (about 19 Miles) had a few brief interactions with W, it’s really weird having her back home after over four weeks of her being away - after all that time having intensive therapy and counselling she is still raging about things, saying I can’t possibly understand what it was like for her (and I have been working on validating)
Certainly the lady I knew and loved has not returned home and I’ve politely informed her that I will not engage in angry, confrontational discussions with her.
I swam 1 km and cycled home - 2290 calories of active energy today!
I did he laundry for th family and folded it and put it away and spent a few hours on DB- reading though archives and posts from experienced DB-ers. Doing that daily is really helping me to train myself to use these techniques. Things like treat W like one would treat a neighbour and the picnic thread seem really relevant.
My BD was a few weeks ago and I’ve had terrible anxiety, periods of rage and fear and many other emotions, but somehow today (even having been told that the D petition will arrive tomorrow) it’s been the first day when I think I’ve started to reach some level of acceptance of what’s happening to me, that I can not control what my W is doing and that I can only control how I react to the sitch- this feels like the first night that I will be able to get to sleep in a non panicking state.
Whereas when I first got the BD and I looked at my favourite photos of our family on my phone and became very tearful, today I’ve realised that those memories of happy times will always be there and because rheunWERE happy times, that doesn’t mean that there is any guarantee that we would continue to have those happy times.

I still hope that my W’s issues re her childhood can be fixed up and hope that there is a possibility for a future together BUT I’m certain that a future together would have to involve us BOTH making changes - I really wouldn’t want to continue being like we’ve been foe the past year- her drinking and abusive behaviour and my attempts to change her rather than me making an effort to change how I react.

As I mentioned in my first thread, we’ve had it hard- my three bouts of cancer and the ensuing depression and financial problems it caused me (credit card debt ) W suffering from abusive behaviour from both of her parents, her mother’s death two years (which left W with lots of unresolved issues ) and it’s almost criminal that we didn’t seek professional marriage guidance help to get us through these problems.

I’ve learnt so much about myself from being on this board - thanks once again to everyone who has pitched in to offer advice to me, during one of the worst periods of my life you have all provided light in a very dark period.

Let’s see what tomorrow brings, I’m really thinking about doing a major 180 and telling w that she can take the two younger boys abroad (in the U.K. it’s iilegal to take children abroad without the other spouses written permission) and I’ll be working on detaching and giving her whatever space she needs.
Let’s see if Mr Postman brings the divorce petition..