Is It Too Late?

[WillD78]

Thanks so much for your specific comments and advice.

All very damaging behavior. This just makes you look desperate and needy and that is VERY unattractive, especially to a WAS. I assume now that you've found DB'ing that this has stopped?

Yes. I am 100 percent done with this.

What are the boundaries and what are the consequences if she doesn't comply? A lot of new DB'ers get this totally wrong so It's important to discuss this ASAP.

Right now the only boundary I have set is that I will not let my W put me in an awkward place with my children. For instance, I went home for lunch on Friday. I know I shouldn't have, but my Ds asked me to come home, so I caved. When I got there, W said she needed to run to the store to pick up one item. She was gone for nearly 45 minutes -- the trip to the store and back should have taken 15 mins -- and my Ds were asking where she was. She didn't tell me so, but I had a suspicion that she went to her new place for some reason. I didn't know what to tell my Ds when they asked where mommy is. I told them she went to the store and they would have to ask mommy what she was doing when she got back.

When she finally returned, I was angry at her for lying to me. I later realized that I wasn't angry at the lies, but for the way she made me have to cover for her to our children. So that is my boundary. Later that evening I told my W that she doesn't need to tell me where she is going or what she is doing, but that I will not put up with her disappearing like that and not telling our girls. If it happens again, we will not sit at home and wait for her to return.

Good. Let her go. Separation will help you detach and help her realize that maybe you're not the source of all her problems after all. And quit asking for details. No R talk, EVER.

I'm over talking R. I will not ever initiate those talks. W showed emotion without me showing it first for the first time on Friday, nearly crying and telling me that she is doing her best. I wondered if she is having second thoughts. Perhaps so, perhaps not. I really wanted to say something like, "It's not too late. If you are having second thoughts, we can work this out. You don't have to move just because you signed the lease." But I was strong. I just looked at her and listened and said, "I know you're doing your best." It was hard for me, but I felt like I had accomplished something big for myself when the urge to comfort, help, and fix finally passed.

We have some absolutely brilliant, amazing women right here on these forums. Many of them have WAH's that have seemingly lost their minds. So this isn't a "woman" think, it's a walkaway spouse thing.

I didn't intend to paint all women as illogical. I apologize. W has always been more of an emotional decision maker. That is what meant to communicate here. I'm sorry to anyone who I may have offended by writing so carelessly.

Yes try to do things with the girls and involve your W less. And try to do things on your own. Get out and GAL. Meet new people. Don't shirk your dad responsibilities, but do try to get out more.

I am beginning to do this. Started late last week and continued through this weekend.

Oh yes indeed. She is 100% done and can't stand to be in the same bed, room or even house as you right now. That doesn't mean she'll still feel that way in 6 months or a year or 2 years or whatever. She changed her mind about you, but what makes you think she can't change it back again?

This was difficult to read, but I needed to hear it.

Thank you so much for your wise words and support.