Can I really do this #4

[Dtrmned]

Happy Monday too everyone.
I do my best to take the weekends off from the boards both for my own sanity, as well as the difficulty involved as being home with the family and making sure there would be no issues. I am not secretive with anything at home (everyone in the home knows my cell password) so I don't want to change patterns unless there was kind of a real issue come up that I needed input on.

I didn't ready AS or Sandi's posts until this morning.

AS, I agree with you. Through the years I have lost my man card. I remember back in the day when I could take on the world, I didn't care what anyone thought about me (at work, outside I care very deeply about people and my relationships). Somehow, through life. Looking back, I would change a lot, but I would change having children. My kids are amazing and are growing up right before me (as if they had any other option) and it puts me in awe most of the time on the littlest things that they do. They have changed my life for so much the better and I love them in a way only a father can love his children. Now, with that being said, having kids changed my MR immensely. My W had severe post partem depression with our D. It lasted almost a year and was very difficult to deal with. She wanted almost nothing to do with her, was struggling within herself, and I was just left to pick up and move us forward. We made it through and we were good. Then our son came. He is a miracle. 9 weeks premature, in the NICU for 7 weeks. He had his first surgery when he was 9 days old and has seen and been with more doctors during that 7 weeks than I had in my entire lifetime! WOW, we made it through. He is the most sweetest, loving, caring boy a person will ever know. He has his moments, but the world is better with him in it! And, he is a truck now. still a little small for his age, but bikes, swims, plays football, basketball and everything else. Outside of the focus issue (don't know if it is inherited from me or just all of us boys, but we all have attention and focus issues, squirrel!!). We made it through this as well and we were good.

Things started to change when my W's health issues really started in. First spinal surgery in '09 followed by at least 8 other surgeries over the next 6 years. Quite a ride thrown onto a couple with young children trying to make it through. Our marriage wasn't perfect any more like it was prior to children, but we were committed, always recommitted and we were good. W started having some issued with self identity I would say in '10. She was frustrated as she was working out really well, body building a little and looking to even compete in some competitions. The spinal surgery put a stop to that real quick. She was then stuck raising 2 children (and truthfully admitting that she loved our children very much, but wanted a life outside the home). I was fully supportive of her finding a job, volunteering, helping at their schools, whatever would make her happy. NOTHING ever happened. The health issues rocked her to her core and she just kept withdrawing from life. We became less and less social. The medications would wear her out. She had difficulties with exhaustion and fatigue. Sometimes, by the time she got ready to go out, she was too tired to make it.

This caused some issues in our MR. She focused on the kids a lot as any good mother would do. Unfortunately, that meant that I got left behind, and when I voiced my displeasure, it was not met with happiness. Granted, my way of approaching things was very challenged and I take full responsibility for that.

Sandi, Thank you for sharing something that is both so personal as well as insightful for me. I can't imagine what you went through and no parent should ever have to experience what you did. Except for the fact that you know that your child loved you. That she valued you. Even when she was rebelling and probably said things to you that rocked you to your core, she loved you with all her heart. And she knew you did as well.

At present, I am rocked to my core. My W despises me and I repulse her. Period. We had about an hour conversation this weekend regarding our plans. Funny part, is she still has no plan. She b!tche$, moans, etc. but never moves a finger to get things done. She mentioned us physically separating and I told her, at present, that I would be unable to fund any of this part and asked how she would propose we do this? I am paying the bills now, but if you want to add in any type of "support" I can't do that right now. Her response is again, "I don't know, I just need to move on". My response was " I can't do that, if you have an idea, I am open to discussing". I did make one mistake in the convo where I did ask "Is there any way of opening a discussion on staying together?" her response was just "no". I know believe nothing she says and only half of what she does. It seems she is trying to pull away more and more. She complained that in the middle of the night, we seem to end up entangled with one another and that made her feel uncomfortable. I explained her my side, that it just seemed to happen since we are in the same bed, and she just said she would like me to make a better effort to give her some space. That night, of course, we shared our bed as usual. Last night was just the same. If she is so uncomfortable with me, why doesn't she move into the spare room, or move out? Doesn't make sense to me at all.

She also wants us to get together and tell our son. I'm sure he knows a little, but is so young and caring that I don't know how to do this. ANY advice on this as to when, how, etc. is appreciated. Our D pretty much knows, but our son does not. HELP on this one please.

Again, very confused at times. GREAT family dinner last evening with W and S. D was upstairs and being a teenager.

Had the relocation conversation and I believe W has realized she won't be able to make it in the other city. I have 2 decent offers here so I am examining those to see what is best for me and the kids (with my W always considered as well).

W had a rough weekend healthwise and was on the couch almost all day yesterday. We briefly discussed on Saturday her getting a job and she said "I can't get a job right now, the kids need me, my health is shot, and I don't know if I CAN even work every". She then mentioned her "friend's" company is about to take off (sure) and she will be able to make a little money there, work whenever she wants, and no pressure. YEA, that's how the real working world works out there said anyone with a job, never!

So please input and feedback. Sandi, I know you just want to grab my face, slap me and tell me to be a man and father, suck it up, swallow the feelings and get on with it. I appreciate the 2x4's you give and you have no idea the value I put into your time and words that you send to me.

AS, I do need to find myself. To realize my identity again for who I am, what I have to offer, and be the best "me" that I can be, everyday.

With my man card "in limbo" at the moment, I can safely disclose that reading both of your posts brought tears to my eyes this morning. Having to put on a great face at work is hard, then going home and acting as if as well makes for a weird situation in bringing my self back info focus.

Again, PLEASE, comment, input, hit me upside the head. Sandi, your compliment to me is humbling. I only want to embrace, keep safe, and love my family. I know that outside of showing my children love and support, that I have to work on myself, detach more and really examine the situation. I am exhausted in the limbo stage. AS, you said it well that WW can do this forever and it the LBH that throws up his hands and says "enough" and moves on. I am not a quitter and will "never give up". I will also not believe a thing she says and only half of what she does. Her words meant nothing as her actions remained the same. This week may be different. Good or bad, I will work on myself and love and support my children.

The struggle continues. The glimmer of hope is alive and while I work on myself, I still dream for R and a new MR and a happier family!