Nicole - I promised you a nice story... here it goes.
I have a dear male friend who met someone who really got him. It was probably the most serious relationship he had ever been in and this man was in his late twenties/early thirties. But, ultimately she broke it off and then he could clearly see what happened. There was intense back and forth as she even showed up one night stating they could run off and marry in Vegas but she disappeared again. He was crushed... really crushed. She was his first real true big love in life. He struggled in trying to find ways to get over her.
She went on to become pregnant and marry another man though she was still in touch with my friend and he still loved her. Eventually he told her he couldn't stay in contact any longer as it was too painful. She continued in her life as married and a mother now.
He moved on. He continued to work his job and let it carry him to two other states. He had his good friends and he did his best at dating. It was hard it first. Everyone compared to this woman was once smitten with but he managed to date and even let himself try a serious relationship again though ultimately he had to admit to the woman that he wasn't as committed as she was. He got to the point he was living his life and finding his happy places.
A series of events and there was contact again. It was now 10yr later.... A friendly update contact about something they had in common though she was now divorced and he was still living his life for himself. It opened the door and they started discovering what they enjoyed and missed about each other. I feel my male friend was very hesitant and cautious about this recent state.
I can now tell you that they have been married now for just over 2 years and have a young toddler too boot! They have come full circle and seem so enamored with each other and their life in general.
So yes Nicole its possible for people to have a future but the only way it happened for these two is that they each had to let go and move on - they had to detatch, they had to be full and happy people on their own before they truly found happiness with each other.
I see you still living in your past quite a bit. Still talking about the person or way your H used to be... and more recently seeing you stating how you would have to change to so your H could stay with you. You don't have to change and honestly you changing so your H will stay is the perfect ingredient for failure. Of course, if you have certain behaviors that may have caused some demise in your relationship by all means work on those, but if you are not a woman of make up and high fashion you need not adopt that lifestyle if that isn't who you are. I've know plenty of knock down gorgeous men who were with fairly plan janes --- it was always like WHAT??? In one case there was a connection through childhood, another it was because the girl was very smart and could carry on a very good conversation and that she was into some of his unique hobbies. These gorgeous men were devoted to their girls. These girls were confident... they were often very homely in just appearance but these men were attracted to other qualities.
Nicole your H has always been good looking. You seem to feel that you are not of the caliber of these "other" women" but your H dated and married you. I have no doubt during those times you never compared yourself to these "others". You were confident in who you were... and that is the most attractive quality in any person.
The best advice I ever got in relationships is from my male friend who's story I just shared with you. Years before there was to ever be a reconciliation with his love he would often make time to hear about my broken heart. And one day I just blurted out why do I just sound like a broken record??? And, he said, you will get over this when you decide your ready to get over this. He was kind and wasn't judging. He would always just listen. He would offer words of encouragement and suggestions but he was was right. One day I realized it was enough and I moved on.
You will get there too Nicole. I think your relationship and state of affairs is at a point where you are going to need to move on. I don't know what your future holds but right now your H is living his own life on his terms. The only reason there is contact at all is because of a mutual child. Now I encourage or actually beg you to do everything possible on your end so that your D can have the best relationship possible with your H. That will be hard to do... I mean really you are raising her as a solo parent at the moment AND you now have to go above and beyond to help facilitate a relationship for her and your H? YES... Yes you do... that is always what you do as a parent. You always put every single need of your D above your own agenda. It will not be easy to being doing 75% of the work in that while he skates by doing 25% but the ultimate goal is for your daughters mental well being. You will sleep better at night if they have a truly wonderful relationship even though it only happened because of you. That is the best gift you can give your D. Many times its learning how to work in the background... you have already learned that "guilting", "demanding" and "belittling" into getting your H to spend time with you D DOES NOT work. Stepping aside and being available when he brings it up does. No that's not giving him control. Of course you should have boundaries... he cannot call at last minute or weird times to have his D but you have seen that the less you demand of him the more available he is... you are figuring this out!!!!
It will make it so much harder to detach... been there/done that when you are dealing with kids in a broken relationship but you can get there and you will know it when you do! You will realize one day you are doing all the normal stuff but you just don't respond to the button pushing and you literally don't care about their drama. There will be a brief moment you get to sit back and giggle a bit because they will see the shift. They will be confused that your actions aren't the same. They will try to stir the pot because maybe they didn't do something right... but then nope that doesn't work either. They will be so confused!!!! They will chase but you will hopefully be in a better place to make good decisions based on what is really going on versus just jumping at the first temp check.
My H and I are doing fine. Its not perfect but it wasn't before either!!! We certainly hit a very low spot in our M but it wasn't as far gone as many on here. It was just a perfect storm of the oldest leaving school and joining the military (my H was military and certainly disciples like he is military but did not want his son to be military), mid life questions, M is slipping away, etc. I did my work and we got back on track. Of course he also got a new fishing boat for 16K and as of this weekend a new $20K motorcycle... sigh... Men... are just teenagers with money... :-) He is finding himself in the next stage of life. AND, now he needs to find me some new furniture and some outdoor landscaping to go with it!!! :-)
I don't see your H returning until you have really detached and moved on. I think Nicole still has to find herself and figure out where her value is in all this rather than changing herself into what she thinks her H wants.
