WAW - Managing Limbo Period Pt 2

[SteveLW]

40,

As is often said here, every sitch is different. While true DBing would be to detach and stay detached that is easier said than done. When a WW says she wants to R and work on the MR, it can be an easy trap to fall into.

I think you are right, based on what you've said, that this is a delay tactic.She didn't want the kids to know, knew you were getting to the point of wanting to just move forward, and grasped at R and working on the MR as a way to slow things down again.

It is tough to navigate, I know because I've been there. My W was very reluctant to go MC. While we were in our first few sessions I was still snooping, and questioning her. Admittedly she still had things she was hiding. It made it difficult to decide which route to take.Ultimately I decided that I would just do what she was willing to do (even if reluctant) and let things fall where they may.

MC seemed like a waste at first. But as the MC gave us homework, and she actually started doing it!, it seemed like she slowly starting opening up to the possibility of really piecing and Ring. I remember in the first session, due to my snooping and knowing thing she didn't know I knew, I called for complete transparency. The MC said we weren't ready for that yet. I still didn't divulge what I knew.

Here is the thing 40, as we continued doing MC, as she did the homework, as we attended a marriage retreat and on the way home from the retreat started turning the corner, a lot of the issues just went away.

It is a strange side-effect sometimes. I've mentioned Mort Fertel before here. He is not a DBing proponent, but he is anti-divorce. One of his techniques is that you just don't talk about the problems in the marriage. You concentrate on the other areas of the MR. For some they'd argue this is pursuit, and maybe in a pure DBing setting it is, but there is something to be said for not beating the dead horse over the problems of the MR. As I said, the turning point on the way form the marriage retreat for us was to just hang out and start having fun again. We learned nothing on the marriage retreat that we didn't already know, but we did learn to just enjoy each other's company.

Look at the positives, she has agreed to working on the MR and going to MC. That is huge, lots of others here would give anything to have that occur, even if their spouses weren't completely into it at first. She doesn't want to tell the kids. Lots of other sitches here the WAS/WS has no problem completely destroying their families' and kids' live with what they are doing.

My advice is to go to MC. Institute the talk and touch charges I've mentioned to you before. Have a date night every week, or some other way that the two of you get out together away from the house, but don't discuss the MR! Just have fun, and enjoy each other's company.

But keep detaching. (I prefer the word self-differentiating) as being overly attached in a MR is never a good thing. Also keep engaging in GAL activities. And also make sure you keep up the 180s that you've instituted since BD.

You've got this 40. We all get week and snoop and pressure and pursue, or slip in GAL. The key is to after a mistake to get back up and go at it again!