WAW - Managing Limbo Period Pt 2

[40free]

I did not had a good day yesterday. Having been so disciplined about it for maybe 3-4 weeks, I fell off the snooping wagon last night, and am of course now regretting it.

Although my W surprised me by making the decision in the middle of last week (11th) to stay and work on our MR, deciding it was the lesser of two evils to stay with me (!), and we do have a MC session booked for next Monday 23rd when we are back from vacation, of course nothing has changed between us, and with no R discussion we are just in limbo again until the MC acts as our guide.

In the meantime, the scepticism with which I took this decision of hers has increased with each day that passes. I still don't trust her, don't believe she is fully out of her relationship with the OM (even though she says 'there is no relationship' and 'she hasn't seen him since 19 May'), and I am seeing no sign of effort on her part to change anything about how she interacts with me. We are getting on ok generally, have been busy preparing for the vacation and keeping the kids happy, and watching a couple of shows on netflix together, as we've always done. But it feels like she is still pretending and putting on a show. Which I suppose is just what she's been doing for a while, and why would that change just because she's uttered some words about preferring to try to work things out rather than cause destruction by D'ing. I guess it wouldn't.

Anyway, last Thursday she was out for the afternoon. I guess shopping, but my untrusting mind nagged at me that Thursday was the day she usually saw the OM, and whilst she said she wasn't seeing him, there was definitely a window in which she could have done before picking up D12 from her friends late afternoon. I let it go, giving her the benefit of the doubt and trying hard to start the trust if we were going to start to work on the MR.

Friday I was out as I mentioned, and W was at home with the kids. So no concern there. But then something yesterday made me do a little snooping to double check, because I do still see her carrying around her handbag that I know holds her burner phone that she doesn't know I know about and she used to be in touch with OM after she realised I could monitor her regular phone. Why would she be so precious about that not leaving her side, even at night, if there wasn't something she was trying to conceal? She also has a new laptop - bought so she could do things on a pc that I don't have access to, on a new email address that she thinks I don't know about. That has stayed in her room hidden under her duvet ever since she bought it maybe 2-3 weeks ago.

So I did do a little checking, and what I saw was that,on Friday afternoon whilst I was out, she had sent herself an email from the address I can monitor to the one she thinks I don't know about. The email was her forwarding an email she had previously sent herself from her phone to her PC earlier in the year (January - when A was in full swing) with an attachment with 4 selfie photos on it - all of her in various compromising positions and varying degrees of undress. There really can be only one reason why she'd be sending herself these photos - so she could do something with them on her laptop with the OM.

I know I'm supposed to not care, and be detached, but this just goes against everything we are supposed to be working on, so surely it's only natural for me to lose it. I had a quick look at her burner phone while she was elsewhere - it's locked and I can't get into it, but I can see from the lockscreen that there are whatsapp messages to be read. And I can see that she was active on that phone after she went to bed. The only people that have that number are the OM, and maybe her sister. Yes, the messages could be from her sister, but it's just too much of a coincidence with the photos as well.

I admit I had little sleep overnight playing out how I would handle this knowledge, and concluded that I would simply sit on, use it to detach further, and then in our MC session next week, as part of the discussion on rebuilding trust - which surely will be one of the first issues we discuss - I will ask her about the OM and push to re-state my boundaries. She is the one that wanted to try to R rather than the alternative, she has to stop seeing the OM and help me rebuild trust, or else we have nothing and what's the point.

Having got up this morning, done my swim and started to prep to head off on vacation, I have to say I am much more ambivalent about whether or not she is continuing to see, speak or message the OM. PA or EA, whatever. I know 2 weeks ago I was all set to tell the kids and we were heading towards S and D. My head was straight, I was prepared to move on, and was not affected by her at all. I suppose the chink of hope she has given me about getting back towards R set me back a little (but not totally) in my feelings for her, but this new knowledge has shaken me out of that stupour, and made me realise (if I didn't already) that what you all have been saying is true.

She is reluctant to R, can't give up on the spark she got from her OM, and I just need to detach and GAL for me. If when I confront her in front of the MC she admits to the continued contact with the OM, shows some amount of regret (am sure it won't be remorse) and does want to try to piece, fine, but if she denies everything and pushes back or refuses to give up the OM, well I'll be prepared for that and suggest we need to go back to the other alternative whether she can face it or not. I will not agree to work on our MR unless she is NC with the OM. Period. And I will then try to enforce my boundaries and have her move out after telling the kids if she won't agree to that. At least, that's what I'm thinking today. I have a few days to let that settle, enjoy the vacation with the kids, detach and then consider where I am later in the week.

There. Not great DB'ing I know, but perhaps I ended up in the right place in my head in the end?

Am I so wrong to want to know she is serious about trying to R and help me rebuild my trust before starting out on this journey? Because if she isn't, I just don't see the point. It takes us both to want to do it. She knows that, and I don't see why it should be just me doing all the work on myself (per Vanilla's post) to try to improve our relationship and she is just expecting to continue to cake eat. How can want to get back together with someone who is still in such a fog and shows me such disrespect? I deserve someone who wants to be with me for me, not because it's the lesser of two evils....