And then suddenly he was this erupted volcano that had been unhappy for so long and I was completely unaware and he cannot believe I wasnt aware. In my sitch, this volcano erupted when our baby was about 10 weeks old, but I do not think there is any A, certainly not a PA and mostly no EA either but well I have been the definition of naive with this MR so nothing can shock me at this time I believe. Now on retrospect there may have been signs, very subtle or I may have been completely ignorant, but I go back and ask myself if he was so unhappy would he have had another child with me?
Hey Arsh! I know how you're feeling exactly! That's why this is so hard to wrap one's head around. What you wrote is exactly what happened to me, minus the recent baby. People here keep saying that the WAS probably was saying that they were unhappy in their own way, but the LBS wasn't listening and picking up on the signs. I spent so much time thinking about that and dissecting my marriage to see what signs I had missed. And honestly, I cannot remember any such signs from my WAW. The few times we had actual fights, I was there with her and we resolved them.
Not sure if this is the same with your H, but my WAW has serious anxiety issues. I totally underestimated the severity of it. I knew she had them, but I didn't realize how bad it was. My best answer to her behavior is that her anxiety didn't allow her to talk to me and she kept it bottled up. For years apparently, but I remember so much happiness and joy in that time. Yes things were difficult because we were both young professionals with 2 little children very early on in our marriage, but I thought we were making it work and grinding it out together. Together being the key word. We were both contributing to our family in different ways, and that's what I believed partnership was.
We even bought our dream home six months before BD. She was so excited and happy during house hunting and so was I. It was like a huge milestone in our lives and I thought we were getting somewhere finally after so many years of moving around and job changes.
And then she started a grad program and got to be good friends with a man who was going through issues in his MR. I believe that fed her and I am not sure how much influence he had in messing with her head. But, it was definitely an EA, even if she didn't recognize it as such. And then BD and the volcano erupted.
Yes, we had issues, and we needed to address them. But they weren't issues that were separation worthy IMHO. We could've worked on them together. We could've built something strong.
So, this thing about them being unhappy forever is partly rewriting the marriage, and also them having issues communicating in a healthy way. On chump lady, she has a post exactly about this. When the WAW talks about being unhappy forever, there is really nothing the LBS can say to that. It also send the LBS in these crazy loops of how they didn't see it. Because it wasn't really there in the severity that the WAW talks about.
In my case, I wish I had seen her anxiety issues better. I also wish I had seen my depression issues better. So, in a way we both failed to support each other properly. The only difference is that I was willing to put in the work, she wasn't. So, what can you do about that.
About WAW's coming back, I am not so optimistic about that. I am not saying it can't happen, but most LBS here are dealing with a WS, which has some differences in the trajectory of how things play out.
I sometimes struggle with thinking about whether I should reach out to her or not. Should I initiate something? I know the answer to that is just pain and so I don't do it and I am good at checking myself before I act now. I also don't know if she reached out and wanted to spend time, what I would do. How do you go back from complete separation and NC to hanging out? In my case, with the EA and I know she went on a few dates after BD and probably continued as well, how do you go and hang out with them after they've done that? I feel that I would be disrespecting myself and what I bring if I go with that. She hasn't reached out so this is hypothetical, but I like to think about it so that I know what I really want and what would make me feel respected and comfortable. I have mighty respect for people here who are able to just hang out after the A has ended and WW's reality has collapsed. I just don't think I have that in me.
For me to even consider, she would have to make some major moves. Make her intentions clear. I don't expect to want the marriage back, but I want remorse, transparency, and some action plan on her part to show me that she's a better person. Unfortunately, with her severe anxiety issues, I don't see that happening. She would have to work with a therapist to address all of that, and I don't know if she will. She gets anxiety just thinking about going to a therapist, let alone doing it. So, the probability of her turning things around for the marriage or herself are low. I honestly wish she would do the therapist for herself, if nothing else.
A long time ago, I came to the realization that my situation is not salvageable. And I didn't do that because I am a pessimist or I didn't believe in DB. DB has helped me immensely for myself, but for the marriage not so much. And I am okay with that. If there was a specific set of techniques that worked foolproof, the rate of reconciliation would be so much higher.
All in all, I feel the pain of you facing the 'I have been unhappy for years'. Ultimately, you can't do anything about that. If you were a mind reader, then yes, but we are not. You can't try and work on something if the other person doesn't communicate with you. There's always something more behind that that is about their character and personality rather than what the LBS is doing. I also thought what if I created an environment in the marriage that made them feel unsafe or uncomfortable communicating with me. And there were some instances that maybe I did. But I also remember the times when the problem was communicated to me and I was full on involved in figuring it out with her. So, I thought I had a track record of at least being willing and open and able to work with her. But it didn't matter in the end.
Sorry there's no real answer in what I have written. I can just learn the lessons I can from this and be a better person moving forward. And I encourage you to think in the same way. This is over for now.
If they do want to come back, they have to be a better person as well. And that's the only way you can work together and see if something can be built. I can't take my W back if she doesn't fix her anxiety issues. I can't put myself through that again - the betrayal, the pain, the lying. Your H would have to be a better man too and learn how to communicate well.
The saddest part of all of this is that these issues could have been worked with together instead of a separation and a divorce. But that's the chance we are not given. A second chance because the stakes are so high. And that's why I cannot give her a chance easily because she chose the path that irreversibly changed the life of 3 people. I love the quote that LH19 has in his tag about never having to convince someone to be with you; the right people will find you and stay in your life.
I am never going to convince someone to be with me or be in my life. Take that empowerment and run with it. That's what I am doing. It's a really difficult path, especially when you have no family or community around you. I know what that's like. We just have to pick up the pieces and make something else out of it. There's just no other way around. My kids are a really huge part of my decision making on how I should move ahead with my life. That helps a lot.
This all weighs on me a lot, but I also know that I will not stand defeated. Keep going! I hope to look back at this in ten years and see how I dug deep and brought out my strength and resilience and made a great life for myself and my kids. Keep that vision!
