I wonder if you have read the thread on boundaries. As I was reading through your initial post, it struck me that your behavior felt very controlling. Like a mom telling a kid what to do or when to be home. Im not saying this whole thing is your “fault” exactly. I’m saying that as you move forward, its important to make sure you are phrasing things about you. Instead of “do this or I will do that”, phrase things in a way that focuses on your needs. Thats also what worries me about the sex. It is not because “the kids will be home soon” it is because you respect yourself enough to have sex with people that want to be with you. Or whatever that reason is. Not about HIM but about what YOU want/need out of a partner.
There is plenty of “blame” to go around. Unfortunately, you can only control what is on your side of the street. Sounds like you are making a good start!
I will read the boundary thread. You are right that I do have controlling behaviors that I do need to address going forward. It's so difficult to think of things in the mindset of what I want out of a relationship.
So I've continued to work on GAL. Been busy with the kids this weekend doing fun family activities. I still have my moments of happiness, sadness and anger. I wrote ex an angry text that I sent to myself, this helped me to get my anger out. He wanted to come over yesterday but I told him we weren't home but he could come see the kids Sunday evening. He asked where we were. When I didn't respond soon enough I am guessing he sent me a text to have fun. I replied later that I was biking with the kids.
So today he called and asked if he could come over this evening and hang out with the kids. He also mentioned we could go out to dinner. He later retracted that and said to not tell the kids so that he can make sure he will be here with enough time to go to dinner. He mentioned ML, which I told him I won't. He asked why and explained all the reasons we should continue. I explained to him that it doesn't make me feel good inside afterwards and that I won't be doing that anymore. He said he does want is to work things out and he knows we both live each other. He went on to tell me the things I need to work on. I validated. He asked me what I thought his flaws were. I asked him if he had become aware of any. He said no, he hasn't really thought about it. This tells me that he is still only seeing my side of the issues and not his at all. He said he bought a book gger vehicle so that we can take more family trips?!?!
Last night I started making lists of ways to detach and boundaries and started working through codependent work books. It really helps me to do this in the evenings. I have my first counseling appt this Thursday. I'm excited about that. I also don't know what I say to a counselor. Hopefully she will know?!
I am still lost on what I am supposed to say when he brings it R stuff. He did ask me several times if I had moved on or have a BF.
He asked where we were. When I didn't respond soon enough I am guessing he sent me a text to have fun. I replied later that I was biking with the kids.
It is ok to make him wait before replying to his text. You are not always available for his beckoning call.
I am still lost on what I am supposed to say when he brings it R stuff. He did ask me several times if I had moved on or have a BF.
If he brings up convo on R - Listen, look him in the eyes and validate. Come with the attitude of wanting to understand- not defending your position. If he asks about a BF or moving on. Simply state " I'm taking this time to better myself " and leave it at that. Hope this helps! Stay Well!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
So today he called and asked if he could come over this evening and hang out with the kids. He also mentioned we could go out to dinner. He later retracted that and said to not tell the kids so that he can make sure he will be here with enough time to go to dinner.
Why is it cool for him to just come and go as he pleases? In my opinion, there should be a clear schedule for when he is over. That will help for you and for the kids to have that clear expectation. Then, next time when he is over, how about you plan to go out somewhere so you arent spending time with him during the "kid-time"?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
If he brings up convo on R - Listen, look him in the eyes and validate. Come with the attitude of wanting to understand- not defending your position. If he asks about a BF or moving on. Simply state " I'm taking this time to better myself " and leave it at that. Hope this helps! Stay Well!
I read up on validation last night. I have a REALLY hard time with this. It's something I am going to work with my IC on. I loved your advice on how to respond. I'm so shocked that he would even ask that and I'm sure he could tell. I need to also keep my emotions in check!
So today he called and asked if he could come over this evening and hang out with the kids. He also mentioned we could go out to dinner. He later retracted that and said to not tell the kids so that he can make sure he will be here with enough time to go to dinner.
Why is it cool for him to just come and go as he pleases? In my opinion, there should be a clear schedule for when he is over. That will help for you and for the kids to have that clear expectation. Then, next time when he is over, how about you plan to go out somewhere so you arent spending time with him during the "kid-time"?
He actually sent me a text Friday night wanting to stop over and get paperwork he needed from the house. I told him we were not going to be home but he could stop Sunday evening.
I agree with the concrete schedule. As of now the only plan is he will have our S every other weekend. That's a great idea on making other plans if he comes.
So Sunday the ex came over to see the kids. Pretty quickly he wanted to pull me aside to ML. I told him that wasn't happening and that I had already told him my reasons. He said he doesn't want me to be with anyone else. He also said that he really wants to work things out down the road and that if I had a sexual relationship with anyone else that would be a deal breaker... He just can't be in a relationship right now. So essentially, he doesn't want to be with me, doesn't want me to be with anyone else and just basically wait for him to decide if he wants to get back together. Is this insane?!
We had more R talk that didn't go well. I don't feel right validating when I know I'm not 100% to blame. I need to just start saying I don't want to talk about it. Erg. Another area I am working on.
So Monday he started a new job. He called me on his way home from work, I answered. I have been not answering and calling back later. This time I answered. He didn't really want anything. Later that night he sent me 2 songs to listen to.
1st one: A voice on the telephone sounds awful angry And somehow it doesn't fit in But the face in the picture, I keep on my dresser Of the girl I once called my best friend We drank from the fountain Of good times and dreaming But these long times have poisoned the well And as our love is dying There making a killing On heartaches, and furniture sales And the line between evil and good disappear And now its so hard to tell, am I shaking a demon Thats after my soul, thats sending an angel to hell
Next one: I tried so hard my dear to show that you're my every dream. Yet you're afraid each thing I do is just some evil scheme A memory from your lonesome past keeps us so far apart Why can't I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold heart Another love before my time made your heart sad and blue And so my heart is paying now for things I didn't do In anger unkind words are said that make the teardrops start Why can't I free your doubtful mind, and melt your cold cold heart
Is he trying to reel me back in after the previous day's push??
So today he called me and when I didn't answer he sent me a text that he wanted me to call him as soon as I can. I called and he wanted to know if SS8 could be dropped off at my house and he pick you up both kids when he gets off of work. I told him that I had planned to have him pick up our S from my mother's and I have plans and he won't be picking up until 10pm. Was this the right thing to do?! I haven't heard from him since. He was frustrated with my plan and said it would be awkward for him to pick you up S from my mother's. And suggested maybe I could drop him off at his mother's.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
