LoneWlf, thank you for saying that. I can certainly keep posting. I read here a lot post-BD and these boards and posters got me through many seemingly hopeless days. I don't know how much wisdom I have (on generalizing everyone's situations and needs), but I definitely have spent a lot of time analyzing and trying to make sense of my own. I don't think that I am an expert though. Yes, I got better at following the rules, my H did return, and the piecing is mostly successful. I still feel I have a lot to learn and understand about myself. There are still changes I want to make and I feel like overcoming hardships for me, motivates positive change and growth. It has been getting easier because I am no longer fearful, anxious or depressed. I recognize how much harder this is for all of you then where I stand today. Lastly, if you read my threads, it is pretty obvious I still have resentment and disgust towards XOW. I am not sure how much of that is worth exploring and trying to let go of. I just don't know yet.
arsh, it is fine to post and ask me anything. I am okay with revisiting painful memories because I am not one to avoid things in general. I feel like the more people avoid/deny hardships, the more they manifest in other ways that are beyond our understanding or control. I will try my best to answer your questions. When I have a chunk of time, I will read your sitch from the start. Does seem like there are several differences. Either way, our actions as the LBS should be the same.
In terms of ignoring vs spending time together and the "friendly neighbor" approach: I found all of that really hard. In my initial attempts to detach, I would ignore him. I would not reply to all of his texts, calls and emails. Then when I would see him for kid exchanges, I would avoid speaking to him or even making eye contact. When he spent time with the kids at our house, I would leave and go out with friends. Mostly he took the kids to his parents' where he was staying. I didn't have family time or allow the cake eating! He chose to leave the M and so as far as I saw it, he needed to face the consequences of that. When my emotions built up or he did/said something I didn't like or agree with, I was emotional in my responses. If I was angry, upset, afraid, he saw it all. Other times, I would engage him in long desperate conversations. I wore my heart on my sleeve. I wish that I hadn't done that. He was not a safe person for me to share that with and it also scared him away. When I got better at DBing, I changed my approach. I still didn't initiate contact, but when it was about logistics, I replied. I was simple, direct, and matter of fact. I really did try and treat him like a neighbor.
Overcoming resentment and finding forgiveness about what he did and the timing of it all, has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I am still a work in progress. Yes, we have talked about it many times. He carries a huge burden of guilt and regret. I actually feel sorry for him. I would not want to carry that. It has definitely changed who he is and how he sees people. Some of that has also built character and grit. In several ways, I like him more now. He also remains very affectionate and kind.
Before BD, he didn't complain of depression, but I could see changes. I can think back to things that were happening over the couple years before and see now that there were risk factors. We had a lot on our plate with work, kids, family, and my over-volunteering. He often seemed tired, overwhelmed and unhappy. He gave and gave to our family and felt empty, but he didn't vocalize it much. I can also see how I was controlling and not responsive to his needs. He shut down and became resentful towards me and I started to resent him for the withdrawal in return. And XOW was right there befriending him and supporting him on the sidelines behind my back. He had poor boundaries with women in general: always the nice guy, helpful neighbor, and best dad, and he didn't say "no" to anyone. My H was the last person on earth I would have ever thought could have an A! He was so loyal, present, warm, devoted and generous. However I can see now, looking back, how our sitch was in other ways a recipe for a disaster.
Not sure if that helps. I'll check out your threads soon!
Take care, Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
