Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you all for the help and replies. Im doing much better today and I have been able to step back from the situation a little. I also see who I have been working on myself xw has went from om to om through this in typical mlc style. This is third om that shes introduced the kids to as far as I know and thats not good.
I was wanting to write more but the kids are fighting me on bed and someones back up so I will have to catch up later.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/10/1810:24 PM. Reason: restored post
When my w introduced on2 to the kids it broke my heart
I literally felt the pain in my body as well as my spirit
The pain was good in that it is what made me finally let go
And while there is no right answer on what you should specifically be doing or not doing I suggest that you follow your conscience
For me my conscience told me to stop doing anything for her at all even if it helped the kids because it hurt me too much so I stopped completely
Only you know what is right for you but fixing her car no I could no longer do that
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
So let's separate out the various threads. There is the obvious and real hurt from OM3. Feel your feelings and then let them go to the best of your ability. This isn't easy.
Then there's the more troubling thread to me, which is that whether consciously or unconsciously she has the kids as a reason to keep you enabling her.
Only you can determine what you feel comfortable doing here. The faster she has to either take care of herself or fall on her face, the faster she will possibly get the help she obviously needs.
I would consider giving her a specific time frame for taking her car off your policy, say three months. That gives her enough time to plan. Then you'd have to absolutely follow through.
If she can't take care of the kids should she in fact have 50/50? Only you know what's right there.
I forget how old the kids are so I'm not sure how much longer you have to deal with her, but isn't your youngest 7 or so?
Protect yourself. That's how you can best protect your children. And no, your next GF won't be sleeping in her ex's bed, I think that's clear to all of us.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
xoxoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
you're setting healthy limits for yourself and not reacting to the drama. all good my friend. I wish you had less stress, but these things come in cycles. good for you for holding your ground! good to hear from you Kyh xoxo
I've also noticed I'm doing better w limits in general. yes, a very good thing🙂
Originally Posted by Gerda
KyH, you are not a fool. No one has made a fool out of you. Of the three adults in this scenario, would you rather be the selfish W who destroyed her family, the slime bag OM who is participating in that relationship with her or the solid can-do guy who keeps caring and loving for his family and always putting his kids needs before his own, even when it breaks his heart? You are a hero in that scenario, don't doubt it.
One day when her head is clear, she will realize what all of us realize about you!
Don't doubt your own goodness just because someone else keeps shoveling poop on it. Your goodness is real and your concern for your kids is GOOD. I do many of those same things for my H when he is doing anything with the kids because I know otherwise they will get no care at all. It doesn't make us fools; it is a further proof that we are good parents -- and good spouses! -- and choose a path to put family first even when all we want to do is sink into bitterness and vengeance!
Hugs to you. I know exactly the horrible pit-of-stomach sick feeling you are feeling. It will get better, it will!
Thank you Gerda, your post really helped me the day I read it.
Originally Posted by Vapo
Stay strong K.
You are not alone. We have your back.
V
Thank you for following and the support, I appreciate it.
When my w introduced on2 to the kids it broke my heart
I literally felt the pain in my body as well as my spirit
The pain was good in that it is what made me finally let go
And while there is no right answer on what you should specifically be doing or not doing I suggest that you follow your conscience
For me my conscience told me to stop doing anything for her at all even if it helped the kids because it hurt me too much so I stopped completely
Only you know what is right for you but fixing her car no I could no longer do that
Thank you Gordie. I am going to try to only do things directly for the kids here out. this may be a difficult balance.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
{{{{{{{Kyh}}}}}}}
Wow that's a lot to take in my friend.
So let's separate out the various threads. There is the obvious and real hurt from OM3. Feel your feelings and then let them go to the best of your ability. This isn't easy.
Then there's the more troubling thread to me, which is that whether consciously or unconsciously she has the kids as a reason to keep you enabling her.
Only you can determine what you feel comfortable doing here. The faster she has to either take care of herself or fall on her face, the faster she will possibly get the help she obviously needs.
I would consider giving her a specific time frame for taking her car off your policy, say three months. That gives her enough time to plan. Then you'd have to absolutely follow through.
If she can't take care of the kids should she in fact have 50/50? Only you know what's right there.
I forget how old the kids are so I'm not sure how much longer you have to deal with her, but isn't your youngest 7 or so?
Protect yourself. That's how you can best protect your children. And no, your next GF won't be sleeping in her ex's bed, I think that's clear to all of us.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
xoxoxoxoxo
Thanks buttrfly. Yes, feeling this and letting it go! I have no room to carry these feelings/energy with me.
It is troubling that I am enabling her through the kids. ive been thinking about this and idk, I guess I need to make sure their needs are met, stay detached, and leave it at that.
I haven't said anything yet to her about anything but thank you for suggesting 3 months. No sense making the situation worse.
D is 8 and S is 9 so I've got awhile to deal w her. It also severely limits my job opportunities although I may be able to commute a town over once the kids are a little older.
Not much going on just enjoying the kiddos. I did find another single parent meetup that started last week so hopefully that will help w gal. The last one I mentioned joining closed abruptly and didn't organize much.
Xw texted a couple times a few days after telling me. She was being friendly and I try to be nice but short which upsets her. She texted she had some gluten free bread she bought s but he didn't like it and that it was good and asked if I wanted it. I told her if she liked it she should keep it but thanks. Then I got a nasty reply I didn't respond to. Then an apology. I replied thanks and then she told me not to be short w her. She was better this weekend but I kept my texts minimal.
Just caught up. Sorry to hear this. We know she isn't attracting good people in the state she's in. It's not possible.
Take some time to process it all and then once you have, you can decide what you will and will not continue to do for her. I used to make these decisions by thinking: what advice would I give my kids in this scenario?
One foot in front of the other. You will get through this and be stronger.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Hi HaWho, good to hear from you. I hope you and your boys are doing well.
I should have known when the puke got cleaned out of her car lol! You’re exactly right, she’s probably not attracting good people which makes it harder to detach w/the kids. I hope we’re wrong but it’s not likely. I sometimes wonder if I have a keep your enemies closer type of situation to consider.
I like the advice about what would I tell the kids in the scenario, it kind of takes you a step out of the situation. thank you!
My H always talks about food and tries to get me to try stuff, even when he has been horrible. I think it's one way they can connect that feels not scary.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
My H always talks about food and tries to get me to try stuff, even when he has been horrible. I think it's one way they can connect that feels not scary.
I think your right, I just don’t understand why, maybe she’s just doing the best she can.
I thought I would journal a little bit. I picked up a getting over an affair book and there was a chapter about signs you’re partner will cheat. I could check every box for xw and it took a nanosecond to think of an example of each. That helps me accept my reality and was a good reminder to keep looking forward.
I’ve tried to be as dark as possible and x got nasty, she mentioned hurting her arm and than had a flat a few days later. She later sent a nasty text about me not asking how she was or what happened to her arm and that she had a blow out and it scared her. I told her I was glad she was okay and that she did t say she had a blowout but I’m glad all was well. I got another nasty reply about how she would ask if it were me because she cares etc etc. to which I didn’t reply. A few days and she’s nice again but I keep short. she called me this weekend, I tried to give her to the kids but she said it didn’t matter and talked a few minutes then to the kids when I asked again but it didn’t seem to be why she called. Weird.
I’ve had some shoulder trouble this week and had Gau sha done tonight. It was new for me and wow it feels better. I hope it lasts.
