Journaling a bit...W is still off on a vacation while I'm having a great long time of having our D. Getting ready to head out in fact for some more fun with her and one of her aunts.
The strangeness of my continuing to live the life of a responsible parent, happy father while W is off doing who knows what with who knows who. As I've said many times I have no idea of an OM/EA/PA but W just has to be WW. I can't wrap my head around her believing what she is doing is normal, BUT from what I know of WW mindset it seems par for the course.
Last couple of days I've been thinking about my last posts, how one sided against the W they sound. I've been spending alot of time thinking of what I did/didn't do in the MR. Now perhaps that's because since W won't really open up, I'm maybe trying to get closure by taking all the blame, BUT I am trying to be at least honest on what I perceive as my parts in her unhappiness might have been. I was reading the 5 love languages. I would say I'm mostly Words of Affirmation/Physical Touch. I'm guessing that W might be Acts of Service and Quality Time. I got to feeling like I totally failed her. My acts of service were always on my timeline and quality time...again after our D went down at night, I very rarely went up to be with her, BUT I thought I was giving her time to herself. Then I got spinning on when did I last kiss/hug her. I stopped myself quickly on that though as I always wanted to kiss her each morning before work, but she constantly seemed to be bothered by my doing so, hugging...honestly can't recall. Thing is I could beat myself up, but W NEVER tried to kiss me or hug me nor did she ever try to come and spend quality time with me. This exercise taught me that yes I could have done things better, I would love to do so now with the benefit of hindsight but I guess that ship has sailed. Thing is it takes TWO to make this MR work and W never sought to kiss me, hug me or spend quality time with me. For all of the failures I feel in myself, W never did any of those things towards me either.
Why did that happen? Hate to say it but birth of our D. We simply placed our MR on the back burner and did not communicate with each other exactly what each of us needed. I feel VERY VERY sad to say that. I especially beat myself up because I always loved her...why did I not keep it up to the degree that I needed to do in order for us to make our marriage work? I would have done ANYTHING for our marriage, family, her happiness! Again I know...I couldn't have done it all by myself. Sorry if this is a ramble...time to head out with D.
