Introduction

[TJT]

Thanks cdn. It's true that I don't do well with uncertainty. I've actually been trying to work on that in other areas of life (aka work) but never imagined I'd have to do it in my marriage!

Steve, thanks for clarifying some of my questions. You're also right, I have not fully read DB, I have just tried to read as much as I can on this forum at the moment. Between the 180s and how to GAL and detach, etc. I've taken some notes as reminders but it's all a lot to remember - not to mention the general confusion caused by the sitch and trying to practice these behaviors I'm totally not used to!

After reflecting on it briefly this morning, I think part of it is me looking for what's unique in my situation simply out of fear that whatever framework or solution might not be 100% the right thing to do in every case. But I get it, nobody is promising anything, there are no guarantees, and I'm aware of the flaws in some of my thinking. I just have to get past the fear...

So, quick question, is there a digital version of the book anywhere? Part of the reason I haven't ordered it yet is because I really want to avoid the possibility of him finding it and having to always hide it. I will do it if necessary but digital would be ideal for me.
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As an update from yesterday, after H came home from his second shift of work I had started to make dinner. Not particularly for HIM, to be clear that I'm not trying to "win him over" or whatever, but obviously because I needed to eat too. My outlook was very much that if he wanted to eat, he could, but if not, whatever. We had talked about dinner earlier in the day, discussed leftovers vs. making a new meal, and had left it open-ended at that point.

He did eat and talked about other things about his day in a totally normal way. In these moments I have been making sure to look at him directly and pausing to show attention if I'm doing something else when he starts to talk, as advised.

After dinner, it seemed he was doing small things to be nice. I admit sometimes I am too focused on what he is doing (and I will work on that) but to be clear, sometimes I mention these things because while I do take note of them, I also just want to share what's happening on this forum in a way that paints a more clear picture of the day-to-day stuff in our relationship and helps people understand what I'm going through. I think I am at least slowly doing better in taking steps to detach as far as not letting my feelings be dependent on what he's doing.

After I cleaned up from dinner it was the normal nighttime routine. Him on the couch, watching sports, on his phone/iPad, and me doing my thing and getting comfortable in the bedroom. I always do make sure to go out and tell him when I'm going to bed if he doesn't come in to say goodnight first (happens sporadically). Since all of this has been going on, I have adjusted the past few days to at least NOT initiate saying "I love you" when I tell him I'm going to bed, and sometimes he'll say it but sometimes not. Last night he didn't so that was that. And as an additional note in my medical journal (haha, I'm kidding about that but you get where I'm going with it) he again seemed randomly annoyed by the "interruption". But I've again slowly prepared myself more each day for that to happen, so that's another positive step for me I think.

That said, this morning again as H left for work, he did give me a hug, kiss (not on the lips), and said I love you. Likewise, I've been trying to prepare myself for those actions as well and I do feel like I'm doing better not letting them change my thoughts/feelings one way or another. It's definitely a little harder when it's a display of affection I have to neutralize though.
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I am going to be re-reading the detaching thread over the next week and continuing to read through other resources as I get time. I will be going on a business trip this week so I will have time. I had gone on a shorter trip for a few days when this all first happened and didn't do all the things.

Traveling while going through this is very hard even though I know in other ways it's good. I am going to try to do the full 180 this time and never initiate the texting (calling is not an issue... for whatever reason, for the entirety of our relationship, when one of us is out of town we only text. I had brought it up a few times in the past and told him sometimes I'd like to Skype or whatever, especially when I'm gone longer, but he says it's just not his thing AND I can corroborate that with most every other person in his life he rarely talks live on the phone. If he can get away with it, he'll just text).

So, anyway, I'm pretty nervous about that, just because (as the detaching process mentions) I tend to think how I would feel if he went on a business trip and didn't seem interested in texting me or whatever. Of all the rationalizations for not detaching, that's the one I'm most guilty of - the feeling that I am being cold-hearted if I do it, or that it's sending the wrong message. I want to choose to always take the higher road...I am honestly NOT in the mindset of trying to "fix" him or that I need to help him or that I don't think I have logical reasons to detach... I just want to be a decent human being and hold myself accountable for things I contribute to the sitch too.

And while I have absolutely gotten to a place where I know I can only control myself, it really [censored] that to know that it will not guarantee the same realization on his end. I keep reminding myself that continuing to do all the things I've done up to this point obviously doesn't guarantee that either, so just bear with me here! Arsh - I agree and know you are right that this boils down to me struggling with the realization that sometimes, no matter what we do, life just happens TO us and even if I did everything right, it might not work out the way I want.

If you all haven't noticed already (hah), I'm very introspective and expressive about those reflections. It helps me get things organized in my mind toward clarity. This is typically why my best intentions to make a short post always end up longer...it ends up being its own sort of therapy for me. And having witnesses to it helps.

Needless to say I'll be spending some time on the forum during this next week to give an update or two on how it's going. Thank you all for your continued interest, concern, and responses.