Re: Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 3

[Davide]

Fear. So much of what is holding me back from completing letting go is rooted in fear. There is certainly love as well and sadness, but I think the key is the fear. If I completely let go of the rope than I am adrift and left alone to find my own way in the dark. Of course I realize that I am already alone, that I am already in the dark, that I am already lost, but the mere presence of the rope, even if it leads me nowhere productive only back to a past that is already gone, is a comfort. I have practiced jumping off of heights into water, I have practiced sitting with myself in silence, I have practiced climbing walls higher than I ever would have dared, yet the final step has thus far eluded me. Perhaps these small steps are necessary along the way. This line of thought made me think back to one of my favorite books of all time "The Things They Carried" by Tim O'Brien. In one of the final stories he writes about his cowardice and how he gave in and went to war.

Courage, I seemed to think, comes to us in finite quantities, like an inheritance, and by being frugal and stashing it away and letting it earn interest, we steadily increase our moral capital in preparation for that day when the account must be drawn down. It was a comforting theory. It dispensed with all those bothersome little acts of daily courage; it offered hope and grace to the repetitive coward; it justified the past while amortizing the future.

I don't want to be the repetitive coward anymore. I feel like I have lived most of my life like that. I just hope that these daily steps of confronting my fear will help.

A little journaling:

Right now I seem to be alternating good and bad days. My first night in Denver I couldn't sleep until 3 in the morning after taking NyQuil, it left me in an anxious and agitated state all day long as I struggled to focus on anything or be in the moment. In the evening I recovered a bit as I met up with some friends for some drinks and to catch up. The past two nights I have used some of the marijuana and it has really helped me sleep quite well. Given how important my sleep is to my sanity and state of mind I am going to continue with it for the time being.

Yesterday the friend I was staying with was out of town on a hike nearly all day long which left me alone again. I used it to catch up on my exercise routine - an hour of yoga, a trip to a rock climbing gym for an hour and a half, and then I took off on my bike to explore downtown Denver (in 99 degree heat) for 21 miles. It really felt great. Recently when I have been biking I haven't been listening to music or podcasts like I normally do, but just trying to appreciate the ride and the sights and the physical exertion. It's not exactly sitting in silence with myself, but it is more mindful.

Today I woke up more anxious. Perhaps it is because I watched "Coco" last night, which was all about the importance of family, and which provoked a good cry. (I thought it was really a very good movie despite being an animated kids film.) I have an 8.5 hour drive ahead of me, but am probably going to get a late start because I want to watch the World Cup final.