First off, two apologies. One because I'm not sure where to post this (midlife crisis vs infidelity), and two because of the length. As most of these things go, I suppose, there's a lot to the story.
As the title suggests, I think my wife (41) is in the midst of a midlife crisis affair. Well, to be clear, I know she's having an affair (she told me) and it looks an awful lot like a midlife crisis.
Some background: We've known eachother for about 25 years, were very good friends and started dating after about 5 years. I knew from the moment I met her that she was my soulmate. She's amazing. We've now been married for almost 15 years (our anniversary is in less than 2 weeks). We have a teenage son and a college-age daughter who lives on her own. Our marriage has been good, except for the fact that, for the last several years, my career has ruled our lives. She's moved around following me from place to place as my career took us from state to state and then to Europe. While we were in Europe, she told me that she was unhappy and wanted a divorce. Although I knew she was sacrificing everything following me around from place to place not getting to do anything she wanted to do, it wasn't until then that I had an awakening. It finally dawned on me that I had spent this entire time trying to make our life fit my career rather than the other way around. I was able to convince her to stay and told myself that enough was enough. Shortly thereafter, we left Europe. Instead of returning to the job I had on the east coast--where neither of us were happy--we moved back to the Southwest, where she wanted to be. It was the start of something new, where we were going to be able to build something for us instead of me. My career was finally in the backseat where it belonged...or so I thought.
It turned out that the job I had lined up fell through, and I ended up taking another job in Europe out of desperation. She didn't want to go, but we figured we could handle it for a little while by seeing eachother every couple of months. Big mistake on my part. I left in September and saw my wife and son in November and December. Even seeing her that "often," I realized that I couldn't do it. Not to mention that the company was completely incompetent and screwing up my pay/taxes. I put in my resignation in January. Unfortunately, I had a 6-month notice period, so my last day was June 30th. Gotta love Europe! We saw eachother again in March but decided to save the rest of my vacation so that I could cash the days out at the end. Another big mistake on my part.
Shortly after I left, my wife and son moved to a small town in the mountains. She started working in April. Things were fine between us at this point. We kept in touch mainly by email, with the occassional phone call, but the 8-hour time difference was tough. We would constantly tell eachother how much we loved and missed eachother. The last of such emails I received from her was on May 26th. On May 31st I got an email from my recruiter about a job in London/Amsterdam. I immediately told the recruiter no (I had learned my lesson!), but I sent it to my wife as a sort of "Haha, wanna do it again?!" She asked me if I wanted it, and I said "no" and tried to reassure her that I just thought it was a funny coincidence since this was exactly how the last European opportunity started. Anyway, I thought nothing of it for the next few days, but I think she took it the wrong way and it pushed her over the edge.
In June, she basically fell off the map. She and my son went on vacation with her sister and mom. Either right before she left (early June) or shortly after she got back (mid June), she started seeing a co-worker. Right before she got back from the trip, she sent me an email saying that my son was being a jerk and that I should take the London job and take my son with me. She said she wanted to be "alone...like permanently alone." Then, when she got home, she sent me another email saying that the cats had peed all over the house, her dad hadn't watered the plants and that there was nothing about her life that she liked. Then, 10 days before I was due to come home for good, she told me over the phone that she wanted a divorce. She explained that she was seeing someone and that things were "pretty serious" and that they were in love. Meanwhile, her job is terrible. She's working 12 hour days, continuously slammed and thinking about quitting.
Of course, I was devastated when she told me. But what really took me by surprise was the timing. She met this guy at work so had known him for about 2 months when this started. And it all kicked off within days of us sending eachother the usual series of "I love you more than anything" emails. At the point where she told me she wanted a divorce, she had only been seeing him for 1-2 weeks at most. This isn't exactly what you call the foundation of a real, lasting relationship.
Needless to say, I've been on an emotional roller coaster. On a few occasions, I fell into the trap of trying to beg, plead and convince her to stay. My emotions got the better of me, but I've now got them under control...I think. Ultimately, I want her to be happy, even if it's not with me, and I told her that I have accepted it. We've agreed to keep this very civil and preserve our friendship. She's going to be moving out soon. Since this is a small mountain town and there no apartments to speak of, my guess is she will move in with him.
Look, I know there's a lot I could have done to prevent this. I had a lot of work to do in putting her before my career, and the nine months of working overseas didn't help matters much, but this feels an awful lot like a midlife crisis. She's buying all sorts of new clothes and underwear, exercising like crazy. I'm half expecting her to show up in a sports car one day...or a motorcycle maybe since this is the mountains. I think what she's experiencing at the moment is pure fantasy--newness, excitement, the feeling of being alive again, the sense of freedom. I'm confident that she will she through it in time, but I am worried that she is rushing into this so quickly that she'll be "committed" (move in, get married, etc.) before the illusion has a chance to fade. I love her more than anything and have committed to putting my career in the backseat--this time bolted down so it can't get back up. I've even started a job that will allow me to work remotely.
So, my questions:
- I know I need to take a step back and let this take its course, but how long do these things normally last? I've read that the vast majority of relationships that are started with infidelity fail, but are we talking months...years?
- I should probably move far away so that I don't have to witness everything, but we both want things to be easy for our son. Plus, I love the town where we're living. Nothing beats the mountains. I want to stay here, but is living so close to her going to keep her from realizing what it's like not to have me in her life?
- I've read that sitting around waiting for your spouse to come back is a bad idea and that you instead need to let them see you moving on. My wife even asked me if I was going to go on Match (huh?). I have no desire to meet other women while things are "taking their course." I have no desire to see anyone else period. Nonetheless, I did create a Match profile because I feel like I need to get out there to make her want me back. Trouble is, the thought of reaching out to people on Match (or meeting women anywhere for that matter) disgusts me. It's a lot like the feeling you get when making a dentist appointment: you dread the thought of going but force yourself to do it in order to keep your teeth from falling out. Then you're relieved when they tell you that their first available appointment is in 3 months. I'm torn. I can't stomach the thought meeting new women, but is hanging out and waiting for her to come around a bad idea?
