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[AnotherStander]

She has her own account, I think she just wanted me there as I know much more about phone type things
Ill work on detaching for now

Hmmmm, well yeah in that case I think you were right in saying it's not your problem. Perhaps the delivery could use a little help but I do agree with your action that if she just wants you there to perform husbandly duties, well no she doesn't get that anymore if she's giving up on the M.

[jaylove]

Hi
So it’s been six days since W said she had filed the petition.
She has been in the psychiatric hospital all this time and we have not had any communication other than a brief talk about childcare
I am still confused as to the best approach in my sitch as in the past while I would not say I was a totally closed person as far as talking about feelings and emotions with her, I am not he most open either
It seems like my efforts to detach have so far been met with indifference - everyone I have spoken to who has also been in Contact with W says she is still talking about D and will not consider separation.
She is still unstable mentally as far as I can tell and in the U.K. it can take up to 33 weeks from my acknowledgement of the petition to the final Decree Absolut, so I still have some hope that DB techniques can work over the next few months.
From what I can make out, she is not going to come back home and will stay in a hotel then find an apartment, so anything I do will be done from a distance

[AnotherStander]

I am still confused as to the best approach in my sitch as in the past while I would not say I was a totally closed person as far as talking about feelings and emotions with her, I am not he most open either

Now is not the time to try and open up to her more. A lot of LBS's make that mistake. She doesn't want that, she just wants you to go away. So give her what she wants- time and space. I am not saying to ignore her or be rude/ cold/ indifferent, just back off.

It seems like my efforts to detach have so far been met with indifference

It takes a lot of time. Don't expect anything from her anytime soon. Indifference is actually good, a lot of LBS's are met with extreme hostility when they detach.

From what I can make out, she is not going to come back home and will stay in a hotel then find an apartment, so anything I do will be done from a distance

Good! Separation really helps the LBS detach and the WAS to start to realize the LBS isn't the source of every last one of their problems. I know it hurts but there is a silver lining to separation.

[jaylove]

Thanks man. It has been a difficult day, me full of rage.
My thoughts have been along the lines of :
So she went out drinking until 5am and probably taking narcs too, for four days in a row before disappearing to a hotel to have four days of panic attacks and rather than take ownership of the fact that those were her actions alone, she has decided to shift the blame all on to me and go for D.
I have been fuming all day and that has not meant I have been able to be patient with any of my four sons.
I hope tomorrow is a better day.

[jaylove]

So after a call to a mutual friend who has been in contact with W, I broke the rules and sent a photo of our two young sons and also a message of support as she is being discharged from the psychiatric hospital today too.
Not a single acknowledgement back from W. She called in a state - I have to go abroad this weekend to work and she had agreed to come home to look after the kids for the weekend, but was saying she will be homeless after that. I said I’d give her space in the house while she finds an apartment- to which she replied that the reason she had to go to the psychiatric hospital was there wasn’t any space for Her at home - it’s a five bedroom house! Also after four weeks of intense therapy and counselling she isn’t taking ownership of the fact that possibly the treason she had to seek help was due to her going on a four day bender and mixing alcohol with her medications. Hmm.
I feel like such a fool for breaking the rules- deciding that her fragile mental state means she must have been hurting for some friendly reassurances from me.
Back to thyou drawing board.

[sandi2]

Herbie, do you really think it's a good idea to leave her in charge of taking care of the children?

[jaylove]

She was in the hospital voluntarily for anxiety and depression and was discharged today.
Aside from my fear that she’s projecting all her issues about being abandoned as a child onto me, she’s always been a good mother to the kids and wouldn’t ever harm them.

It’s so hard to get a clue about if she really no longer wants to be married to me, or if in her depressed state she’s come to the conclusion that the only thing that she can change in her life is to get rid of me.
We’ve had no meaningful communication for 5 weeks and the few times we’ve spoken when she was in hospital, she has raged at me.

It’s so hard to DB properly with this uncertainty and having never suffered from anxiety before, for the last 8 days I’ve been waking at 3-5am and haven’t been able to get to sleep.
Oh dear

[cdn2a]

Herbie,

The sleep is key. I too would wake up in the middle of the night 4-5 am freaking out.
I wish it would go away sooner, but for me I had to accept that it wasnt under my control, before I started to
sleep better.

I still lost/loosing a ton of weight, and still have bad nights, but nothing like the first few weeks.

Try journaling, I found it helpful too.

[jaylove]

So she came home yesterday and went to a prebooked concert - left the children with my brother looking after them. What strange behaviour from a normally loving mother to spend her first night home at a concert rather than staying home with her 8 and 10 yr old kids and being a present mother.
I returned from my trip abroad - she was upstairs in the MBR while the kids were on their own downstairs playing video games
I made dinner for all of us which she ate without saying thank you.
I understand that she has plans this week to find a house to rent and have been advised by my lawyer that the children should stay in the family home.
Tomorrow I will broach the subject of her being in the MBR - as she is planning on moving out I will try and open a conversation that she should stay in our older child’s room while he is traveling abroad for a few weeks
It’s so weird how someone you loved so much can turn into a brutal monster in such a short period of time..

[jaylove]

Any advice on how to broach the subject of her being in the MBR?
As mentioned earlier in my thread, W admitted herself into a psychiatric hospital for anxiety and depression four weeks ago (not seeking treatment for her ongoing alcohol problem) and dropped the BD after her first weekend