Introduction

[TJT]

So yesterday and today while H has been working I visited with friends. It has been a nice distraction and I think it's helped, but I am definitely drained as an introvert. It's taken a lot of my energy.

H came home from work and seemed a little irritated, in general. We talked about a few things like work and his plans for the rest of the weekend (actually, he asked me what my plans were first) and throughout the conversation he just seemed to have these moments of agitation, for whatever reason. I tried not to show that it bothered me but in my head I was of course wondering what his deal was again (I wasn't forcing him to talk or being overly pressing about his day, etc.)

One thing that has "pinched" right now is that when he left a minute ago to do another shift at work, he stood in the doorway to say he was leaving and asked if I needed anything. Up until now, we've at least still hugged upon leaving or arriving (albeit not always great ones) and even this morning when he left for the first shift (while I was still in bed) he gave me a hug and told me he loved me...

I just keep telling myself over and over what's been said here, that I can't try to make sense of these things or read into them or get my hopes up when he's acting "nice". It is what it is.To that end, should I say I love you back if he says it to me first? Should I hug him back if he hugs me? I feel like NOT responding to those things could be perceived as me being depressed or angsty since it's kind of hard to smile and seem pleasant while staving off a hug or as a response to saying "I love you" without verbalizing it back.

He has continued to ask if I need anything before he heads home, too (something he's always done in our relationship). And last night he did text to tell me to drive home safe since I was going to be getting home late.

While I am getting better at letting things go without spending too much time analyzing them, it's still SO odd to me and gives me pause in the moment, and of course is still maddening. It can be so easy to feel jacked around even from the smallest things.

For the record, would my situation be considered WAS? Since there doesn't seem to be an A at this point? Could it be MLC without an A? Just curious where this falls here.

Lastly for today, I just read the below thread for the first time and I am wondering what this means for me, because given the examples above, I start to think more and more if the conflicting behavior is just the result of H wanting to control the situation, as described here by Zues.

: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

If my H said he wants a D but hasn't done ANYTHING else tactically around that (no papers, no setting of boundaries or expressing any timeline on his end, and I'm pretty sure not talking to anyone else about this) and yet is not wearing wedding ring, not being affectionate, not telling others, etc. I'm confused whether I should just GAL and 180 and wait to see if he actually takes action toward filing or at least separating, or if I need to do something more? Again in my sitch there doesn't seem to be an A at this point (and I don't believe there is).

Maybe I will be proven wrong one day but until then, am I taking the right steps by letting this ride out, since we can't believe what he says? My plan was to GAL and 180 until one of two things happened: 1) either I find out about other circumstances that would require me to create bigger boundaries, like an A happening, or 2) I feel the emotional strain of being in "limbo" gets too much to where I feel it would be better for MY well-being to move forward with the D (still something I really would not want to initiate).

By all means I don't want to ask him to make steps toward something that I don't want to begin with, but after reading Zues' thread and reflecting on other behavior I may have enabled in the past, I'm definitely worried that he may just be trying to get his own crap together so that WHEN he does it, it's easier for him. It's so hard because I just don't
know truly why he's not acting on it...e.g. if he's not fully convinced it's the right thing (despite what he's told me), if he's waiting to see if the changes I'm making last, etc.

Do I point out at some point (or, now) that dude, you asked for a divorce, but I don't see anything happening so in the meantime here's some things that have to change until you make a solid step one way or the other (and if so, what should those things be)?? Again I feel like that would be having the R conversation, and I just took this limbo period as the gift of time but I know it might not be that simple..

I don't want to be naive, but if it ends up being that he is really just taking advantage of the situation until HE is ready, I was accepting that as something he has to live with knowing he strung me along. Except I'm sure he could rationalize it by the fact that he did tell me that's what he wanted, despite his lack of swift action. So I know it wouldn't be unreasonable for me to protect myself and hold him accountable for what he's said, but aside from GAL and 180s I'm not fully clear on what else I should be doing or saying to him specifically in this case....ughghggh.

Obviously it would be nice if someone could both say what they mean and act what they say...