Thanks Blu! This is extremely helpful as you are speaking from the other end of the tunnel where we all want to me. As I have mentioned before, the board is full of WWs and WAWs but fewer WAHs. So as a LBwife it is sometimes hard to come by advice that could transcend gender. I hope at some point you get to read my sitch and guide me. I dont remember if you were actually D or just S before R, but I had a few questions - Other than missing the family and having the guilt about children, what brought him back? - What did he miss in you as a spouse/as a partner that gave him second thoughts? - I know you really need to drop the rope and move on, but what actually made him feel that you had moved on? No contact, LRT? - Did you have any family together time with children and H at all while separated or did you do your own things with the kids? - The biggest thing for the WAS to come back some day would be the guilt and fear of rejection by LBS, what do you think helped in your sitch? How was your behavior towards him that gave him the courage to even consider letting you know he wants to try R? Thank you for taking the time to guide us all who are still burning in these fires.
Arsh, thank you for commenting. I will read your sitch. Yes, there are more LBHs on these boards than LBWs, for sure. I am not sure why though. I have read here that D is more often filed by women and more so by the WAW (walkaway) than the WW (wayward). In MWDs article, she even states that the WAW tried to talk to her H for so long -- often years -- and to no avail, until she got to the end of her rope and gave up. He did not listen or make the adjustments, and so time went on and she suffered vocally and then fell silent. At this point she becomes checked out entirely. She then ends it, sometimes with an A and sometimes not. He is forced to acknowledge, then he panics and now finds himself here, yet it is often too late. This scenario seems to be the norm here and seems more common for the LBH. Sometimes there is an A mixed in, but if she did not leave only to pursue the A, then it is more of a WAW sitch than a WW. I do not often see this scenario for the LBW (like us). And for the record, I am speaking about monogomous hetero Ms, and of course am gender-stereotyping a bit, based on what I have read. Hopefully I am not offending anyone!
I am certainly not an expert, but I can speak to my sitch and my husband was not a WAH (walkaway) as much as he was a WH (wayward). I would also venture to say, that his stages of limerance and the predictability was very similar to a WW! So what I am suggesting is that perhaps the WAW syndrome is more exclusive to women, however waywardness knows no gender. Someone please correct and 2*4 me as needed :-) I learn from everyone here. When women or men become engaged in an A, that A can become addictive like a drug (limerance) and causes the person to flee their M, and often at the expense of everything (M, family, home, finances, etc) and the behavior is more irrational. There was no plan to have the A, no prior plan to end the M, and the person is very much in a fog. All they can see is (tunnel vision) this A and that option is better. It is a form of avoidance and escapism. While being left for an A can on the surface feel like a much more painful betrayal, I also tend to think there is more hope. Rarely do As work out or turn into successsful Rs, and so at some point in time, the person will start second guessing their choices. The walkaway, is usually done before the A starts, and so I tend to think there is less chance of them going back to the M. In my sitch, I think my H was a WH and I think his XOW was a WAW. After he left her, she ran right on to OM2 and never went back at her H.
To try and answer your questions:
Yes, he says he had guilt and self-doubt the entire time. He says in his gut he always felt the A was wrong and never saw it as a real option. He also says he felt guilty about not really giving our M a chance or having worked out our issues. What kept him away so long was his fear that I could not forgive him and that he didn't deserve a chance. He knew his R with OW was a pipedream but he also felt addicted to it and more so the way she made him feel about himself. From his end, the R didn't ever feel real and it felt manufactured. He knew he couldn't trust her and what she said. He also says he always missed the connection and closeness that we had, but he felt he had ruined it. When I finally let go and stopped ignoring, or attacking, him is when he realized he was losing me. He did a sharp 180 at that point and started doing whatever he could. It was almost like a light switch. So I tell people here; if you have to ask if they are coming back or moving towards R, then the answer is "no." If they want to come back, you and your gut will know!
When BD happened, I really lost it. For weeks and months, I was a mess. I am not proud of my behaviors, but I just didn't have the reserves to handle it. If you read my sitch you will see that it came at the worst time; my father had died, my teen had been diagnosed bipolar and we had to get her help and send her out of state, and the OW was a person I actually thought was a close friend. The sitch was more than a bomb drop, it was a nuclear explosion. And I acted as such. It took me a long time to learn to follow the rules. As I got better at it, I also started to feel better about myself.
We have 3 Ds (my oldest is his step-D). So I had to be in contact with him often. It was really hard. Here is another difference between my H and some of the folks on this board. Even though what he did was incredibly selfish and destructive, he still tried his best to do the right thing. I know that sounds strange, but there are some things that are unforgivable, and I don't think he crossed those lines. He left the home and I stayed there with the kids. He still paid half the bills. He made a point to talk to or see the kids every day. When he was around, he cooked, he cleaned and he continued to be a good dad. When I was upset/angry/etc he listened and apologized: he did not even try and justify what he was doing or make excuses. He also did not allow our kids to be around her or the A, which I told him I wouldn't ever accept. (of course she still tried, she wanted my family) Was he perfect, or even a decent human? Heck no! But could our sitch have been a lot worse? I really think so.
Gotta run, I'll be back later!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
