ww totally off rails

[sandi2]

I almost feel disoriented when I read your thread, so I can't imagine how you must feel.

So my w calls me yesterday to say that our d wants us to get along and bring peace back to the house. I told my w that im all for bringing peace back but that i will not be in a open m. I told her she would have to cut off contact w om. No calls, texts, email, etc. She first started to push back and then conceded. I know its all bs because she shows no remorse. And she flip flops on the affair. She actually has admitted to it only to deny 10 mts later. And she wont even look at the video i have of the both of them all over each other.

Big thing for me is that she hasnt apologized. That tells me shes still living in la la land and needs to have me as the enemy. Her only apology after listening to the two of them together was, "im sorry that you feel that way"! This girls is pure evil right now and i cant even get her out of my house,

I wrote a long response to a question you asked me about her feeling remorse, etc. It may have gotten lost in the shuffle of you trying to force her out of the bedroom, but IDK. This quote above is an example that leaves me a little dizzy. The big thing for you is that she hasn't apologized? She is having an affair with a guy she works with, and is in the process of finding another place to live. She is leaving you. Don't look for an apology.

I noticed that you mentioned something about if thd h was controlling of the ww in the past. I just wanted to let you know that shs has accused me of being controlling in the past and even mentioned to my mother that i wouldnt let her see her friends until she took control of her life. Now early in our marriage i was far from perfecf and i used to be concerned about one of her closest friends because she was extremely permiscuous, it usex to bother me that i would constantly hear about her sleeping with this one or that one. Granted i wasnt hearing that about my wife but it was on mg mind.

I'm sorry, I can't figure out where you are going in the above quote.

The other thing Sandi that i think about...what if this om is in a much better spot than me financially? I feel i sacrificed alot for my family and financially if was tough.

What do you mean, "what if this OM is in a much better spot than me financially"? You are not in a competition with the OM. This is not a race or a fight to win the fair maiden's hand. You need to stay objective. FWIW, the board has seen many WW's leave their families for an OM who didn't have a penny to his name.

Look at the complete quote. What are you really saying? You have been a good guy who sacrificed a lot for his family and now your W is going to dump you for some guy who may be better off financially..... and it's just not fair! Your hard work to keep the family going and your faithfulness should outweigh whatever she sees in this OM.......right? Doesn't that count for something? Where are her values, principles, morals.......where is that woman that pledged her devotion to you on your wedding day? Sadly, these type of questions get you nowhere. I suppose nearly all LBH's ask themselves these things at some point, but eventually, they have to stop banging their head against a brick wall b/c all it does is damage their thought process. Unfortunately, life is unfair and it can really sukk at times. IMHO, the unfairness is when the good guys & gals get more sukkiness than the sorry guys & gals. Maybe b/c we feel the good ones don't deserve it and the bad one do. Anyway, you don't deserve what is happening to you. Your kids don't deserve it. But it is happening, nonetheless.

You said you were letting go. Then, you accidentally call your W, she's crying and you learn of how upset daughter is, etc. Your WW throws out a very small crumb by saying daughter wants peace between her parents..... and you latch on it. It scatters your thinking and you are all over the place, wanting to know about throwing her out of the MBR, enforcing boundaries, how to know if she's remorseful.....on & on.

Your W has fired you. You are not responsible for her. You said you have let her go. Obviously, you haven't. When you really let go, you free your mind of worrying what she will think about you or say about you. You won't try to control her. You won't try to persuade her to do the right thing. You set her free to make her own decisions, even if she gets hurt in the process. When you truly turn lose........you let her go. You let go of the affair partners, her new friends, and her new lifestyle. What I mean is that those things do not get to spend time in your head. You won't focus on the OM, and the other stuff. You center your thoughts on the healthy choices and decisions that will heal your heart/soul/life, rather than be consumed with her and all the negative things attached to her choices. You let go of the things you can't control. It takes self discipline, and lots of practice.

There are some interesting youtube videos about cognitive behavior skills that might really help you stay centered and balanced. Check it out and see what you think.

If I have overlooked a specific question, please let me know. I can't promise I'll be able to give the answer, but I'll do my best to give a response.