Maika, you bring up some excellent points. It has been said here before that we may need to "fake it until we make it." I know for me, this did not work out so well, and I blew it often and would slip back into pursuing or lashing out behaviors. Then even when I tried to follow the rules, I would end up ignoring/stone-walling him and then bounce right back over to a more emotional reaction. I struggled a lot with detachment and the "friendly neighbor" approach! So I think you are correct that only following rules/180s/GAL is not enough in itself. I think that for any of us that are experiencing trauma or pain, we need to address that too. I think some type of counseling or therapy is a must. I went to IC, read here, did yoga, spent a lot of quality time with friends/family, GAL, and it still didn't feel like enough. My anxiety and depression was crippling at times. I will say tho, that the times I allowed myself to make more rational choices and respond from that place, and really tried to separate out my emotions/feelings, the better I felt about those interactions and decisions afterwards. The more I was able to do that, the more self confidence I gained. Slowly over time, I began to feel that I was getting better at DBing and was consequently feeling better about myself too.
I want to read what you suggested. ... My position on goals is similar to my views on success. They have to be something that is under your control and something that is measurable. We cannot base goals and success on external factors or on the actions of other people. We have no control over that. This just further diminishes our power. I have some goals for myself that involve exercise and the way I communicate. Those are things that I can control and I feel good about both when I meet these goals. They have health benefits and social/emotional benefits.
Nicole, I am glad you weighed in here. You are actually one of the posters that I follow and one of the reasons that I posted the other day. Maybe I should respond to you further about that in your thread? You are in a hard spot and I feel for you. You also read like a very intelligent and caring person. One thing that I often notice about your posts is that you word things in a way that might keep you stuck and is also closed off to changing your perspective. For example, you will write out "my husband" over and over again. He may be your husband on paper, but he has been a selfish and negligent partner and father for many years. I think it's time to call him WAH or STBXH, or anything that better defines the reality. I have also noticed that you focus in on things that keep you stuck; ie, that there are no other single parents or only happy families where you live. I don't buy into that for a minute! I feel strongly that you are keeping yourself stuck. Perhaps that is the fear talking? And yes, it takes time, but we all have to start somewhere. Can you make small changes in the words you choose?
I agree with joejoe all the way! Nicole, carry yourself with confidence, even when you may not feel up to it! Use words that allow you to start accepting that your M is over AND also words that demonstrate that you deserve better! You do! You are codependent with a man that is toxic for you. Perhaps it is hard for you to see because you are in it? There are so many single parents out there that have overcome hardships, that have some financial struggles, and that fear they will not find someone that will love them and their child again or as much as the Ex did (at some point in the past). It is simply not true! We keep ourself stuck when we think/talk/write in a way that exudes hopelessness. Then we become shut off to support, help and change.
I just want to share something about myself too. I was a single mom at 21, left a bad R with a HS BF, had no money, and found a tiny apartment I couldn't afford. My Ex-BF was mentally ill, and so he not only didn't help us out, but he made my life harder and also stalked me. I was determined to finish college and create a better life for me and my daughter. I took out as much fin aid and loans as possible, found subsidized daycare for her, took as many classes as I could to move it along, and I gathered any and all support and resources that I could. Life was so, so HARD. It was my mindset and determination that got me through. Now, I did gain some PTSD that I think made my more recent BD harder to cope with, but I was still able to fight my way through it. Now looking back, I can see how terribly unhealthy my R was with this Ex, even though I was afraid and things felt hopeless at times. Step #1: let go of holding on to toxic people.
Now I am 40 and hopefully wiser. Yes, my H did pull his head out of his arse and we did R. We prolly even look like one of those happy families; nice house, 3 kids, blah, blah, etc. But I will tell you what! I am stronger now and it is not because of him and him being here. If he leaves tomorrow, or if I leave today, I know I will be juat fine. The tools are in us all, we just have to find them and use them!
Ok, this is getting off topic and long winded. I gotta run, but I will post more later! Arsh, I will get back to you, I promise!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
