My wife's midlife crisis

[MarvinF]

Its something I need to try and accept one day at a time. I can't even see what a possible future relationship would look like now anyway.

I have lots of doubt, sorrow and disbelief that my wife gave up on us so easily.

Right now do not even think that far out, just give yourself fine, space, kindness, process and heal. Things will become clearer over time. There is no need to try to see what a future relationship may look like, right now just stop the bleeding and heal.

I am reaching an interesting point. Honestly I can not tell you where I will be a few months from now, but I would have never guessed I would be here a few months ago.

[Gerda]

Thanks for the clarification, ciluzen. It all makes more sense now and a lot of what you say about them needing to be heard seems very helpful and gives me some ideas for future conversations!

I have been working on myself for five years now and I do think that a point does need to come where you accept that they are too broken to work on anything with you or you will die from the feelings of rejection. I don't think seeing them as broken is the same thing as saying there is nothing wrong with us LBS's. But we generally spend at least a year or two trying so hard to fix ourselves that we forget that there is nothing we can do to ourselves that will bring our spouses back. That decision has to come from them when they decide to heal. So I think we are saying the same thing in different ways, but I know for myself I need to accept that my spouse is broken, separate from working on my own brokenness, in order to heal my broken heart and let him go.

[FaceMan]

Thanks again for the ideas and discussion;

I have felt better in the last few days being at work and keeping busy; I don't hear from her and going into the shadows of darkness is starting to make me feel slightly better;

My wife is emotionally gone and I doubt she will ever return; her behaviour seems to illustrate that she regards me as the enemy and the source of her unhappiness; if it wasn't for me, she would be happy ?!?

Its truly tragic that someone you have spent your life with can't communicate, but life goes on.

I feel for our children and the destruction is she about to impose on them in her quest for happiness; I can only be the greatest Dad I can be.

Moving forward, I am the lighthouse, standing tall as a beacon for her to maybe one day return, until I switch the light off.
:-)

[SBJ]

FM, we have all heard those same things in one way shape or form. Mine said something very similar. She said, "I can stay with you and make you happy, but then I wouldn't be happy". It is all about their feelings and their selfishness at this point. You can only control yourself and like you said, be the best dad and man you can be. Continue to be that lighthouse, because you never know who you will influence while you are shining your brightest.

May God give you the strength and the courage to continue to stand and be the man you are meant to be.

Romans 8:28 New American Standard Bible
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

[FaceMan]

The new platform looks great...,.much user friendly.

Thanks sbj for your reply. It amazes me how the script is so remarkably similar where ever you are in the world.

Ive heard similar as well. "I cant love you, the way you want me to." "I'm doing this for me." "I'm doing what is right for me." "I don't love you the way I used to."

I don't think I will ever understand what has taken over her; its hard not to blame yourself and think of all the things you could have done differently, especially when they never complained or communicated concerns at the time over small issues they are now saying they are unhappy with. It hurts too, when the good times are totally ignored.

[Gordie]

Faceman

Yes it is crazy

I have heard the exact same words

Exactly

SMH

[FaceMan]

Does anyone have a spouse who has come out of all this unusual behaviour who can explain what is going on inside the mind of an MLCer....

My wife says she has changed and this is her; her thoughts, feelings and what she wants; to me it isn't her.

Is it a phase, a path of life, a transition, a change, a new direction, a crisis with an unknown time scale.....what is the end game?

For me, her behaviour is getting worse and its now affecting my children.

Is my wife really calling time on 25yrs? Should I move on? Am I in denial and refusing to accept the new her?

[Gordie]

FM

Again I have heard the same

But who she is now is different than six months ago or a year ago or two years ago

When I was asking these questions I spent time reading the success stories

You will see there is no one path

And often it takes a long time

And then also realized there are also those who d and never get back together and have a different success story

That is why we say now is the time to focus on you

No one knows the duration of your movie or how it ends

What we do know is that you can control your life and yours alone and there is great power in that no matter what she does

You are in a very tough LBS phase but it does get better

It really does

One day at a time

GAL

Your w and your situation do not define you

[AndrewP]

Does anyone have a spouse who has come out of all this unusual behaviour who can explain what is going on inside the mind of an MLCer....

If you hunt around in the "homework" and other places you'll find posts by AmyC who went through her own crisis and Jack_Three_Beans whose wife did.

Sadly Jack passed on some time ago and AmyC isn't around any more. Cadet and job I believe both have ex-spouses who went off to play with the fairies and never came back if I remember correctly.

I personally have a lot of mixed / conflicting feelings about this. Is the apparent change in personality and behaviour part of something that is changing them or is it the them that they always were at their core? Will they stay as they "have become" or will they cycle around to something resembling the person we once new? Is this MLC concept a load of malarky?

I really don't know but do suggest the readings I've mentioned.

[Vapo]

Read up on Sandy's story. Her story is just wow...