Like Faceman, my sitch is so similar to yours that I wouldn't be surprised to find out you went back 7 years and copy/ pasted my first post! First of all there is always hope and it's never too late. DB'ing will either save you or it will save you and your M. In my case it saved me to the point that I was the one that pushed the D through. You might ask how that can be a DB success story, the answer is if you come out stronger, more confident, a better dad and a better person in general then you win no matter what happens to your M. Some M's here are saved and some aren't, but in many of the cases where the M's aren't saved it's because ultimately that was the LBS's decision. Now for some specifics:
Originally Posted by WillD78
But the job made me miserable. It's not what I want to do and the organization is completely dysfunctional. I brought that home with me. I was short, overly critical, and generally not a fun guy to be around a lot of the time. I now see that all of our energy went into our children and we left our relationship rot. Both of us. Several years ago my wife also lost her mother and younger brother unexpectedly and we suffered through a miscarriage in December 2016. I don't know if these issues factor in to where we are now, but I mention them because they were major, negative milestones for us.
All of these are factors. That doesn't mean they are "reasons", we all look for explanations early on but we all eventually learn there are no explanations. So don't expend a lot of energy trying to get in your W's head and figure out what she's thinking. She's confused and in turmoil no matter how confident she may seem. Give her time and space.
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After weeks of procrastination, she told me that she didn't want to work with another couples counselor. "We tried it. It didn't work. I don't think I can get those feelings back."
She is being genuine, that IS how she feels right now. WAS's go to counseling so they can cross it off their list of "things I tried to save the M but just proved it was over anyway". Her feelings can change down the road but you've got to DB your heart out and be patient.
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Of course, I have done all of the wrong things. Begged, cried way too much, asked about the children, sent her articles on marriage, wrote passionate emails, forwarded our loving email banter from the past, pressured her, asked why, asked her out, said ILY, stopped saying ILY, started saying ILY again ... you get the picture.
All very damaging behavior. This just makes you look desperate and needy and that is VERY unattractive, especially to a WAS. I assume now that you've found DB'ing that this has stopped?
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Since I discovered this site I have begun reading DR, attempting to detach and 180 and laying down some boundaries.
What are the boundaries and what are the consequences if she doesn't comply? A lot of new DB'ers get this totally wrong so It's important to discuss this ASAP.
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On Wednesday, after contemplating it for a month, W signed a one-year lease for a 2BR townhouse near our marital home. She tells me that she doesn't know when she is moving out. She tells me that she doesn't know what she is going to tell our Ds. She tells me that we have grown apart; that she doesn't love me anymore, and too much "stuff" has happened in our relationship. That's all the details I can get.
Good. Let her go. Separation will help you detach and help her realize that maybe you're not the source of all her problems after all. And quit asking for details. No R talk, EVER.
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The most confusing part for me is that we get along great. We talk. We laugh. We enjoy each other's company. We don't fight. We are a team. We are friends. Why does she refuse to work on us? Is it cake-eating?
It's not confusing to us, it's very common. She doesn't love you "that way" anymore. ILYBINILWY. You really don't want to be her buddy because that'll just keep you stuck. It's fine to have limited friendly interaction with her but keep it short and you be the one to end it. As far as she is concerned you are a busy dude and have places to go and people to see. And the less she knows about your activities the better.
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It's illogical, but I guess women don't think logically.
We have some absolutely brilliant, amazing women right here on these forums. Many of them have WAH's that have seemingly lost their minds. So this isn't a "woman" think, it's a walkaway spouse thing.
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Until she moves out, how do I DB successfully? Can I take the kids out to dinner on my own (we have always done things as a family)? Or will that be viewed as me being spiteful? I want her to see some of the consequences of a separation, but it's hard for me to do it 1) because our young girls are clueless and 2) because I don't want it to appear that I am being a jerk. I know ... excuses.
Yes try to do things with the girls and involve your W less. And try to do things on your own. Get out and GAL. Meet new people. Don't shirk your dad responsibilities, but do try to get out more.
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Is she just done?
Oh yes indeed. She is 100% done and can't stand to be in the same bed, room or even house as you right now. That doesn't mean she'll still feel that way in 6 months or a year or 2 years or whatever. She changed her mind about you, but what makes you think she can't change it back again?
