I hate that I'm here, but thanks for having me. I've been reading this forum for over a week now and have started reading DR. Any time I feel completely hopeless, which is at least twice a day, reading this forum gives me some solace. My BD was in August 2017. I just found out about DB a week ago. Is it too late for me? Here's my story, as short as I can make it.
My wife and I met in college, lived together for years, then had six months of a long-distance relationship before I proposed. We were married in 2006. I'm 40. She's 39. We have two beautiful Ds, 4 and 7. Like a lot of you, we had what I thought was a great marriage, in fact, one that many of our friends and family members admired. When our first daughter turned one, my wife and I decided that she would leave her full-time job to be a full-time mom. I found a higher paying job in another city. We moved and she continued to work remotely part time while caring for the children. Neither of us were happy living in this new place, so we made an effort to return to where we lived previously. That led me to taking a higher paying job, which allowed her to cut her work-from-home hours further to care for our now two children.
But the job made me miserable. It's not what I want to do and the organization is completely dysfunctional. I brought that home with me. I was short, overly critical, and generally not a fun guy to be around a lot of the time. I now see that all of our energy went into our children and we left our relationship rot. Both of us. Several years ago my wife also lost her mother and younger brother unexpectedly and we suffered through a miscarriage in December 2016. I don't know if these issues factor in to where we are now, but I mention them because they were major, negative milestones for us.
I discovered my wife was carrying on a texting relationship with a divorced friend of ours in July 2017. I discovered them texting one evening, thought nothing of it, but then I got curious and decided to look at her phone to see the conversation only to find the texts were deleted. I confronted her. She told me it was just friendly banter. I told her it had to stop and she hurt me. She said it would stop. But it didn't. A month later I got the ILYBIDLY BD.
She carried on the EA until October--as I vacillated between sadness, despair, anger, hope, and pursuit--when she finally agreed to end the EA and "try" counseling. Her heart wasn't in it, and I was still too hurt and angry to make it work. I tried, though, and she claims she did, but it didn't seem like it to me. She did not like that the point of all of the talking and touching was to get us to have sex again. I didn't like the therapist. She did. But then she abruptly changed her mind in March of this year and said we needed to find another therapist. After weeks of procrastination, she told me that she didn't want to work with another couples counselor. "We tried it. It didn't work. I don't think I can get those feelings back."
Of course, I have done all of the wrong things. Begged, cried way too much, asked about the children, sent her articles on marriage, wrote passionate emails, forwarded our loving email banter from the past, pressured her, asked why, asked her out, said ILY, stopped saying ILY, started saying ILY again ... you get the picture.
Since I discovered this site I have begun reading DR, attempting to detach and 180 and laying down some boundaries.
On Wednesday, after contemplating it for a month, W signed a one-year lease for a 2BR townhouse near our marital home. She tells me that she doesn't know when she is moving out. She tells me that she doesn't know what she is going to tell our Ds. She tells me that we have grown apart; that she doesn't love me anymore, and too much "stuff" has happened in our relationship. That's all the details I can get.
She doesn't talk to her friends about this. She chats online and texts with one friend who lives states away from us, but that is all. Her friends don't know. Her family doesn't know. She refuses to even consider IC (though I am going).
I have be DBing for a week. I bought some new kicks and clothes yesterday. It felt great for a while, and she even noticed. I know ... don't read into it. But I still like the shoes!
So, dear wise counsel and veterans, is it too late for me? This has been going on for year. A year of me doing everything wrong.
The most confusing part for me is that we get along great. We talk. We laugh. We enjoy each other's company. We don't fight. We are a team. We are friends. Why does she refuse to work on us? Is it cake-eating?
And talk about putting the cart before the horse! She has signed a lease but we haven't discussed custody, finances, or anything that typically should come before this drastic step. It's illogical, but I guess women don't think logically.
Until she moves out, how do I DB successfully? Can I take the kids out to dinner on my own (we have always done things as a family)? Or will that be viewed as me being spiteful? I want her to see some of the consequences of a separation, but it's hard for me to do it 1) because our young girls are clueless and 2) because I don't want it to appear that I am being a jerk. I know ... excuses.
I'll stop rambling now. Is it too late for me? Are her actions those of a WAW, a MLC, or something else? Is she just done? It doesn't add up for me at all.
Thanks for listening. Love to all of you who are going through this horrible time in your lives.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Will- welcome to the board and sorry you are here. It is never too late- look at Sandis rules- NEVER QUIT. You are doing the right thing by reading DR and DBing. You will meet some incedible people here with wonderful advice.read as much as you can. Get familiarized with DBing techniques, detaching , validation and Sandis rules. Reread daily if necessary. What you have described in your initial post is common. Read lots and post often you are in for one he77 of a ride. Buckle up! Good luck on your journey!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
It is not too late. You're going to have a hard time with this, but detaching AKA letting her go, will be the best thing for you and your marriage. Get your mind and heart stronger. Be a good dad. Become a better person.
If she is laughing and enjoying life with you without all the parts of you she doesn't want, she is cake eating. Are you willing to just be her "friend" no matter what? If she moves out, if she finds another guy?
Your girls won't be clueless forever. If mommy wants out, you don't keep playing happy family. She chose it, now she deals with that consequence. She might say she's done, but don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does.
When she talks about her feelings give her your full attention. Listen. Validate. Her feelings are her feelings. They won't make sense. Don't try to make sense of them.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I have been at this for two years and am a better man and father for it
Your focus will be on self improvement for a while as you cannot work on the relationship when she is not invested in it as you saw in your counseling
Good job on your new look a good first step
Like many of us here we have seen and heard so many of the same the same words and behaviors and worse
Second women are logical but people in crisis are not
Your w is in crisis she has experienced deaths of loved ones and a miscarriage and has been involved in at least one EA but just be warned you usually only know a tiny fraction of what she has been hiding from you
Remember actions speak a lot louder than words
She signed a lease but has not moved out
She says ILYBNILWY but has not filed for d
You should see a lawyer to know your rights re custody and finances
Do not initiate that discussion but you should be prepared for it
Now tell us what are you doing to improve you as a man for yourself first and hopefully down the road for a new relationship
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
D78 - sorry you find yourself here - its an awful place to be; I hope you find comfort in the fact that you are not alone and your story is incredibly familiar.
The words and behaviours you see and hear are exactly the same; I could have written your story myself; seriously - every last detail. I can relate to every single aspect of what you have written, to the word.
Expect it to get a lot worse before it gets better; please don't blame yourself; you could never have predicted this was going to happen; its only human to desperately hold onto your life that you feel is slipping away from you.
I have been at this for over 18months - I think my marriage is over; she wants a divorce; I still think its not too late and neither should you; keep going; spend time with your kids, do things for yourself, leave your wife alone; you cant solve her crisis; and it is a crisis brought on by bereavement and miscarriage and a lack of coping strategy.
Its not a great place to be, but its about trying to weather the storm, not trying to fix it. Easier said than done sometimes.
Like Faceman, my sitch is so similar to yours that I wouldn't be surprised to find out you went back 7 years and copy/ pasted my first post! First of all there is always hope and it's never too late. DB'ing will either save you or it will save you and your M. In my case it saved me to the point that I was the one that pushed the D through. You might ask how that can be a DB success story, the answer is if you come out stronger, more confident, a better dad and a better person in general then you win no matter what happens to your M. Some M's here are saved and some aren't, but in many of the cases where the M's aren't saved it's because ultimately that was the LBS's decision. Now for some specifics:
Originally Posted by WillD78
But the job made me miserable. It's not what I want to do and the organization is completely dysfunctional. I brought that home with me. I was short, overly critical, and generally not a fun guy to be around a lot of the time. I now see that all of our energy went into our children and we left our relationship rot. Both of us. Several years ago my wife also lost her mother and younger brother unexpectedly and we suffered through a miscarriage in December 2016. I don't know if these issues factor in to where we are now, but I mention them because they were major, negative milestones for us.
All of these are factors. That doesn't mean they are "reasons", we all look for explanations early on but we all eventually learn there are no explanations. So don't expend a lot of energy trying to get in your W's head and figure out what she's thinking. She's confused and in turmoil no matter how confident she may seem. Give her time and space.
Quote
After weeks of procrastination, she told me that she didn't want to work with another couples counselor. "We tried it. It didn't work. I don't think I can get those feelings back."
She is being genuine, that IS how she feels right now. WAS's go to counseling so they can cross it off their list of "things I tried to save the M but just proved it was over anyway". Her feelings can change down the road but you've got to DB your heart out and be patient.
Quote
Of course, I have done all of the wrong things. Begged, cried way too much, asked about the children, sent her articles on marriage, wrote passionate emails, forwarded our loving email banter from the past, pressured her, asked why, asked her out, said ILY, stopped saying ILY, started saying ILY again ... you get the picture.
All very damaging behavior. This just makes you look desperate and needy and that is VERY unattractive, especially to a WAS. I assume now that you've found DB'ing that this has stopped?
Quote
Since I discovered this site I have begun reading DR, attempting to detach and 180 and laying down some boundaries.
What are the boundaries and what are the consequences if she doesn't comply? A lot of new DB'ers get this totally wrong so It's important to discuss this ASAP.
Quote
On Wednesday, after contemplating it for a month, W signed a one-year lease for a 2BR townhouse near our marital home. She tells me that she doesn't know when she is moving out. She tells me that she doesn't know what she is going to tell our Ds. She tells me that we have grown apart; that she doesn't love me anymore, and too much "stuff" has happened in our relationship. That's all the details I can get.
Good. Let her go. Separation will help you detach and help her realize that maybe you're not the source of all her problems after all. And quit asking for details. No R talk, EVER.
Quote
The most confusing part for me is that we get along great. We talk. We laugh. We enjoy each other's company. We don't fight. We are a team. We are friends. Why does she refuse to work on us? Is it cake-eating?
It's not confusing to us, it's very common. She doesn't love you "that way" anymore. ILYBINILWY. You really don't want to be her buddy because that'll just keep you stuck. It's fine to have limited friendly interaction with her but keep it short and you be the one to end it. As far as she is concerned you are a busy dude and have places to go and people to see. And the less she knows about your activities the better.
Quote
It's illogical, but I guess women don't think logically.
We have some absolutely brilliant, amazing women right here on these forums. Many of them have WAH's that have seemingly lost their minds. So this isn't a "woman" think, it's a walkaway spouse thing.
Quote
Until she moves out, how do I DB successfully? Can I take the kids out to dinner on my own (we have always done things as a family)? Or will that be viewed as me being spiteful? I want her to see some of the consequences of a separation, but it's hard for me to do it 1) because our young girls are clueless and 2) because I don't want it to appear that I am being a jerk. I know ... excuses.
Yes try to do things with the girls and involve your W less. And try to do things on your own. Get out and GAL. Meet new people. Don't shirk your dad responsibilities, but do try to get out more.
Quote
Is she just done?
Oh yes indeed. She is 100% done and can't stand to be in the same bed, room or even house as you right now. That doesn't mean she'll still feel that way in 6 months or a year or 2 years or whatever. She changed her mind about you, but what makes you think she can't change it back again?
Will- welcome to the board and sorry you are here. It is never too late- look at Sandis rules- NEVER QUIT. You are doing the right thing by reading DR and DBing. You will meet some incedible people here with wonderful advice.read as much as you can. Get familiarized with DBing techniques, detaching , validation and Sandis rules. Reread daily if necessary. What you have described in your initial post is common. Read lots and post often you are in for one he77 of a ride. Buckle up! Good luck on your journey!
Thank you so much for your kinds words and support.
Me: 40 W:39 T: 19 M: 12 D4, D7 EA/BD: August 2017 EA ended: Oct 2017 MC: Oct 2017 - March 2018 W signed lease: July 10, 2018 W moved out: Sept. 14, 2018
If she is laughing and enjoying life with you without all the parts of you she doesn't want, she is cake eating. Are you willing to just be her "friend" no matter what? If she moves out, if she finds another guy?
Your girls won't be clueless forever. If mommy wants out, you don't keep playing happy family. She chose it, now she deals with that consequence. She might say she's done, but don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does.
You're right. I know she is cake eating, and I am progressing toward putting an end to it. When we are around the children together, I still put on a show for their sake, but when they're off playing or in bed, I am beginning to stop being the friend, following the the rules.
Me: 40 W:39 T: 19 M: 12 D4, D7 EA/BD: August 2017 EA ended: Oct 2017 MC: Oct 2017 - March 2018 W signed lease: July 10, 2018 W moved out: Sept. 14, 2018
