You have been telling me all along to detach and work on myself. Although i struggled mightedly in the beginning, ive really gotten much better. My question is about setting boundaries? I cant live in an open marriage. Nothing has changed since i showed her proof of the affair. Not only does she still deny(dont know how she can) but she continues to sit on her phone and communicate with him everyday. Not to mention she works with him. How can i naviaget this so im not a doormat?
I'm not Sandi, but I highly recommend you read TXHubby's threads because he also really struggled with detachment and boundaries with his cheating wife (who also still lived with him). He eventually got sick and tired of it and well and truly detached and that led to an awakening in her and they later reconciled. This post is kind of a quick summary of what happened, but I do recommend reading all his posts because it's a great example of what doesn't work with a cheater and what does.
You have been telling me all along to detach and work on myself. Although i struggled mightedly in the beginning, ive really gotten much better. My question is about setting boundaries? I cant live in an open marriage. Nothing has changed since i showed her proof of the affair. Not only does she still deny(dont know how she can) but she continues to sit on her phone and communicate with him everyday. Not to mention she works with him. How can i naviaget this so im not a doormat?
Well first, you have to be honest with yourself and know what you can control and what you can't. Here's the thing.....your boundary doesn't mean a thing to her. It has no control over her. If she doesn't honor the MR, then she's probably not going to honor your boundary......unless she suffers some type of consequences for disrespecting that boundary. That's where your action comes into play. Therefore, what can you do as a result of her not honoring your boundary of no open MR? Well, I listed several suggestions in my first thread on help for the LBH who has a WW. Sometime they work with some WW's and sometimes they don't. Too many H's wait too long before they start using action. And truth be known, some women go crazy, and the H has to protect himself from a worse situation....if you get my meaning.
Once she's out the door.....there's not a lot you can do about her lack of respect for the M. Once the WW is no longer sharing your roof, you can crow all day long that you won't live in an open marriage, but the question is, what can you do about it? If you are already physically separated, it dramatically narrows down the options. See what I mean? People have their own views about separation. Some believe it frees you to date, and others don't. She's going to see OM or date, regardless of your views about it. It goes back to what action is left for you to do. You can't go talk to her and tell her, again, that you won't live in an open M. She would only see you as a fool. It would do no good to show her proof of the A, b/c she has left you. She doesn't care! See what I mean? These tactics don't work. So, you tell me.....what action can you take to protect your boundary of not living in an open M?
Is she still living in the house with you? I was under the impression she was moving out.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I noticed that you mentioned something about if thd h was controlling of the ww in the past. I just wanted to let you know that shs has accused me of being controlling in the past and even mentioned to my mother that i wouldnt let her see her friends until she took control of her life. Now early in our marriage i was far from perfecf and i used to be concerned about one of her closest friends because she was extremely permiscuous, it usex to bother me that i would constantly hear about her sleeping with this one or that one. Granted i wasnt hearing that about my wife but it was on mg mind.
The other thing Sandi that i think about...what if this om is in a much better spot than me financially? I feel i sacrificed alot for my family and financially if was tough. Now the good news is that i have a lot of expedience in that field so i should be able to improve. Irreguardless if i eved decided to reconsile...im determined to make myself more appealing than this guy. Thank you so much Sandi for helping me during this difficult time.
The other thing Sandi that i think about...what if this om is in a much better spot than me financially? I feel i sacrificed alot for my family and financially if was tough. Now the good news is that i have a lot of expedience in that field so i should be able to improve. Irreguardless if i eved decided to reconsile...im determined to make myself more appealing than this guy.
One thing I suggest that you do is stop comparing yourself to the OM. As hard a it may be, quit worrying about him and focus on yourself. And make your positive changes for yourself. Not to win your wife back or outshine the OM. Do it for yourself and be the best you can be. In the process, you might get a chance at reconciliation. If not, you will be in a much better place. For DBing to really work, you need to do it for you, no one else...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
Im still a little confused about this. Yes, she is currently living in the house. From what i gathered a few weeks ago, she was looking to move somewhere. She was also cleaning out her things and looking at new furniture(she claimed the furniture was for our house). Our stated agreement was for me to eventually move out and for her to stay here so thr kids wouldnt have to be uprooted.
Another problem is that i cant believe a word she says. I previously caught her looking for a place to stay even though we had an agreement in place. I have a strong feeling she is running every decision by the om.
I almost feel disoriented when I read your thread, so I can't imagine how you must feel.
Quote
So my w calls me yesterday to say that our d wants us to get along and bring peace back to the house. I told my w that im all for bringing peace back but that i will not be in a open m. I told her she would have to cut off contact w om. No calls, texts, email, etc. She first started to push back and then conceded. I know its all bs because she shows no remorse. And she flip flops on the affair. She actually has admitted to it only to deny 10 mts later. And she wont even look at the video i have of the both of them all over each other.
Big thing for me is that she hasnt apologized. That tells me shes still living in la la land and needs to have me as the enemy. Her only apology after listening to the two of them together was, "im sorry that you feel that way"! This girls is pure evil right now and i cant even get her out of my house,
I wrote a long response to a question you asked me about her feeling remorse, etc. It may have gotten lost in the shuffle of you trying to force her out of the bedroom, but IDK. This quote above is an example that leaves me a little dizzy. The big thing for you is that she hasn't apologized? She is having an affair with a guy she works with, and is in the process of finding another place to live. She is leaving you. Don't look for an apology.
Quote
I noticed that you mentioned something about if thd h was controlling of the ww in the past. I just wanted to let you know that shs has accused me of being controlling in the past and even mentioned to my mother that i wouldnt let her see her friends until she took control of her life. Now early in our marriage i was far from perfecf and i used to be concerned about one of her closest friends because she was extremely permiscuous, it usex to bother me that i would constantly hear about her sleeping with this one or that one. Granted i wasnt hearing that about my wife but it was on mg mind.
I'm sorry, I can't figure out where you are going in the above quote.
Quote
The other thing Sandi that i think about...what if this om is in a much better spot than me financially? I feel i sacrificed alot for my family and financially if was tough.
What do you mean, "what if this OM is in a much better spot than me financially"? You are not in a competition with the OM. This is not a race or a fight to win the fair maiden's hand. You need to stay objective. FWIW, the board has seen many WW's leave their families for an OM who didn't have a penny to his name.
Look at the complete quote. What are you really saying? You have been a good guy who sacrificed a lot for his family and now your W is going to dump you for some guy who may be better off financially..... and it's just not fair! Your hard work to keep the family going and your faithfulness should outweigh whatever she sees in this OM.......right? Doesn't that count for something? Where are her values, principles, morals.......where is that woman that pledged her devotion to you on your wedding day? Sadly, these type of questions get you nowhere. I suppose nearly all LBH's ask themselves these things at some point, but eventually, they have to stop banging their head against a brick wall b/c all it does is damage their thought process. Unfortunately, life is unfair and it can really sukk at times. IMHO, the unfairness is when the good guys & gals get more sukkiness than the sorry guys & gals. Maybe b/c we feel the good ones don't deserve it and the bad one do. Anyway, you don't deserve what is happening to you. Your kids don't deserve it. But it is happening, nonetheless.
You said you were letting go. Then, you accidentally call your W, she's crying and you learn of how upset daughter is, etc. Your WW throws out a very small crumb by saying daughter wants peace between her parents..... and you latch on it. It scatters your thinking and you are all over the place, wanting to know about throwing her out of the MBR, enforcing boundaries, how to know if she's remorseful.....on & on.
Your W has fired you. You are not responsible for her. You said you have let her go. Obviously, you haven't. When you really let go, you free your mind of worrying what she will think about you or say about you. You won't try to control her. You won't try to persuade her to do the right thing. You set her free to make her own decisions, even if she gets hurt in the process. When you truly turn lose........you let her go. You let go of the affair partners, her new friends, and her new lifestyle. What I mean is that those things do not get to spend time in your head. You won't focus on the OM, and the other stuff. You center your thoughts on the healthy choices and decisions that will heal your heart/soul/life, rather than be consumed with her and all the negative things attached to her choices. You let go of the things you can't control. It takes self discipline, and lots of practice.
There are some interesting youtube videos about cognitive behavior skills that might really help you stay centered and balanced. Check it out and see what you think.
If I have overlooked a specific question, please let me know. I can't promise I'll be able to give the answer, but I'll do my best to give a response.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Lot to think about, thats for sure. Ive tried to let her go and have had limited contact and tried blocking her out od my mind. Its just not that easy when we are still living together and sleeping in the same bed. And i guess its pretty clear that i dont want to lose my wife even though i already have. I believe i can even say that because when i think about her with someone i cant even look at her never mind talk about reconsiliation.
But deep down, i know that you are right as far as how i need to approach things. I have to work on myself and really let her go. Let her do whatever it is shes going to do. And you are def right as far as, "how could she do this to me, i didnt deserve this, etc". But it is what it is!
I guess what really bothers me is that i never though we could end on such a bad note....where there is the potential that we may never speak again at some point. I never though that could happen
You are still in shock from all that is hitting you. Your emotions do not want to accept what is happening, so you stay in a state of turmoil.
Quote
She was also cleaning out her things and looking at new furniture(she claimed the furniture was for our house). Our stated agreement was for me to eventually move out and for her to stay here so thr kids wouldnt have to be uprooted.
Refresh my memory, please. Was this just something that was initially said when she was talking about breaking up the M, or did you sign a legal separation agreement?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
