Fmly1st, I went through this behavior for years with my husband. I know you're just looking for Sandi's input but one thing I've come to regret in my situation is knowing there's a tough approach and a soft approach. I chose the soft one in part because I was totally unprepared to be in that situation and it empowered my husband even more. It's commendable you're navigating very carefully and not doing anything rash like hauling all of your wife's stuff upstairs and downstairs. You're thinking rationally despite being blinded by the pain and misery of being betrayed in the worst possible way. You're doing great but it does seem the advice you've been receiving about being strong and tough is the right advice, otherwise your wife will believe that even after you know about her affair you're letting things slide so she can have the best of both worlds without any consequences. The most effective strategy would be to file for divorce to show zero tolerance but the dilemma is same one that many of us face - you don't want a divorce and you don't want to be the 'bad' guy in front of your kids and wife's family filing for divorce. Perhaps you can separate and when anyone asks you can tell them the truth, that your wife found someone else, you don't want an open marriage but don't want a divorce either, so you chose to separate. I really wonder what's the best move for you - I and others may follow your thread to see how you choose to proceed. I hope you'll find the right answers to get the best possible outcome. There are a lot of other resources out there on infidelity aside from DB. Most of them say the marriage can be saved, especially if there's only been one affair, but nothing can happen until the affair ends. Therefore it seems like a waiting game to some degree. If your wife is already planning to move out then maybe you don't need to do anything except practice DB while waiting for her to leave. I hope you'll hear from Sandi soon and get the right advice in real life too from lawyers and counselors to create the best possible conditions for reconciliation down-the-road.
