Look at how far you've come Arsh! I am so proud of you. You are standing tall for yourself and your lovely kids. You handled the mediation so well. Keep moving forward and don't look back now. I know it may be hard to see it fully right now, but you have a brighter future ahead of you.
Arsh, I have a friend who's husband decided he wanted a divorce. He was like your husband when he announced it - cruel, mean, depressed, blaming, etc.. Then he moved to another country. She had to fly to his new country to sign the divorce papers and suddenly he was nice, relaxed, and happy again. He got the divorce he wanted so he had no more reason to be mean to her. That was five years ago. She moved on with someone new and he never found anyone. She wrote recently that he sent her a message asking when she's going to come visit him. It's hard to grasp these dynamics. How does he expect her to come visit after the hell he put her through!? I don't think we'll ever understand the minds of spouses who walk away suddenly without even trying to fix whatever's wrong. Anyway it seems you're nearing the end of your husband's terrible behavior. Hopefully he'll soon start to act more normal as he's already started doing. Time will tell if he realizes his mistake and will come back begging for another chance. I believe he will. It still doesn't seem it would have made a difference even if you found DB sooner. You've survived this ordeal up until now. It's great that you dressed nice at the mediation appointment! I'm not sure if I have any tips except it's a really strange feeling when your husband finally moves out. It will continue to feel like something is missing for a long time. It's been almost a year for me since my husband left and I'm still not used to it, so I guess you just need to know it's a long slow process to get through this but if you can become closer with other friends and family and feel more connected to many different people you'll offset the lonely feeling just a little.
V, LW, Maika and Nicole, thank you. It is hard to see that any good can come out of this catastrophe but the worst that can happen is D and a broken home for my children, so I guess i have to slowly move towards accepting it at this time. Weekends are the worst since we live under the same roof. WAH has been buying stuff for his new apartment, ordering and buying furniture and even asked me what brand of paper towels I buy, I smiled and gave the answer, my insides were on fire. SIL and he are discussing what else they need to buy for the new place, this is one special person leaving his wife and kids behind and moving out with his sis. I want to understand that he is in turmoil, he is hurting and is behaving irrationally but that is getting harder to do. A colleague apparently commented to H about how MR is hard, he asked me if I am sharing the info with others I said absolutely not and it is too private and I should be able to decide when I want to share it especially with people I work with. I was vehement he seemed calm during this, just said he was not upset even if I was sharing but obviously I am not going to run around telling people the chronicles of WAH mania.I realize my 180 here would have been to stay calm but I missed it, well self love, I at least am in a place where I analyze my behavior and know where I make mistakes. There is a part of me that strongly believes WAH will be back, I KNOW it. There is a part of me that knows he is being mental and unpredictable so he cannot be trusted. The other part of me has started seeing I do not deserve this and he does not deserve me the way he is. All stages of the LBS I guess, our sub conscious preparing us to face the eventualities.
so I guess i have to slowly move towards accepting it at this time. Arshi - This may be the case for now but this could always change just be prepared. You may get d but that is not the end. God does things for the GREATER good of all. What if God did this for both of you to grow from only to create a new R that was filled with love and compassion. I pray that it all works out for you.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
WAH has been shopping for furniture, toys for kids and lot of things for his new apartment. The boxes are all over the place. it is hard to not ache and be angry at the same time. He managed to have minor arguments with me yesterday about trivial things and commented I am not co-operating with him about kids even. I admit I have been a little cold and curt with responses really hard to not be with his bachelor pad set up actions Yesterday I informed him I was taking D3 out in the morning to a birthday party and he would have to keep the baby. H- I have already told you I am going to xxx why didnt you tell me you had these plans yesterday. I - I wasnt aware you are planning to go out at the same time, the party is at xxx so baby cannot go but if you insist I will take both of them H - You always do this, just be back early. I am not asking you because I want to know where you are going or what your plans are, just because we need to sort these things out.
I know he is trying to argue about things to justify his actions. He relentlessly messages the mediator to make sure things are getting done fast and he cc's me on these convos for my benefit. His only goal in life right now is to get out of the MR and put me in as much mental turmoil as possible.
Keeps saying we are S or D, I want to scream and say no we are not, you are walking out on me, leaving the MR but I just bite my tongue. It would feel so good to point this out to him though.
Time to change my IC I guess, he is trying to tell me I have to find peace and know that H is in way more pain and emotional turmoil than I am, how is that benefitting me?
My GAL is limited and is mostly with kids, I have detached a little bit better, I know his move still bothers me, as I see it he has emotionally left the MR, he is physically doing it and has started the legal proceedings too. Any other advice for me?
Should I buy him a house warming gift? A thorny cactus perhaps
Your IC may very well be right. Your H may be in greater pain than you. He must feel guilty for leaving 2 little kids. That is likely why he is lashing out on you all the time. He is trying to say that it is not all his fault, that you are driving him to leave. On one hand, do not buy his attacks. It is not your fault. This decision is his own. On the other hand, try to understand that this anguish drives him to act the way he does. Try to forgive his rage and his irrational behavior. You do not want to believe that he is a monster, right?
Arsh, it's difficult to frame any aspect of your husband's move to his new apartment in a positive light. It's just a terribly sad and painful experience to watch the man that you loved all these years pack up and move out while you and the kids are left behind. I remember it well when my husband left both times. I couldn't believe it was real. I was shocked and almost in denial and hysterical. Those two events were two of the most traumatic in my life. I hope in your case it will lead to the beginning of a path towards healing and reconciliation for you and your husband, but the act of him physically moving out is hard to endure. I hope it passes quickly for you and you some friends or someone to visit you in those first days alone. I know if I and others survived you will too, but it's still just very sad.
V, I am virtually reaching out and giving you a hug, this is exactly what a girl friend of mine who knows the sitch says. Maika, Nicole and Eric thank you. And yes he is Not a monster, I have called him a gentle giant in the past life, right now he has just gone temporarily mental. I am not giving him the credit, I KNOW I married and had children with a good person. So right now I am treating his outbursts for what they are, immature childish tantrums. Seems like I have a 3 yr old, an infant and a teenager who wants to run away from home.
I am struggling with the difference between ignoring and being cold and detaching. My responses clearly convey I don’t give a darn but that’s not being a friendly neighbor. I read on other threads how ignoring them pushes them away and he has communicated multiple times I am trying to be independent indifferent and not cooperating even about kids. I don’t know if I should buy this and actually make an effort to be a tad bit friendly. Such a thin line between being indifferent and detached. I should consciously work on this, I know I am at the end of the road but well never give up right.
I want to say to him go figure out your issues get that head of yours straight and come back, I got the kids and we will be fine. Patience is my friend so quiet I shall stay
