I 100% agree with what you said Blu. I just heard a podcast with this researcher called Guy Winch as a guest on it. He explained that research has shown that what the LBS is feeling after BD is akin to withdrawal from drugs in the brain. Same chemicals are activated. But, pursuing is like taking that hit again to feel better, but it doesn't work. The LBS has to move forward and stop pursuing, and putting their life back together as a full person.
I posted this on Orange's thread, but I'll do it here as well as you brought up self-esteem. I have been struggling with this for a while and my negative self-perceptions are rooted in more traumatic experiences, and not just BD. A lot of the self-esteem stuff talks about engaging in action and having grit and 'just doing it' and pushing through the pain etc. I don't disagree with that advice, but I think that only works if a person has some healthy accurate perceptions about themselves. For me, positive affirmations and all of that didn't work. And I realized that for me to put stuff into 'action' to improve my self-esteem, I needed to first root out the causes of my negative self-perceptions and truly understand my strengths and starting to trust them.
I am in the process of doing that, and I have the help of a great IC as well. What I found is that before you can take action towards improving your self-esteem, you really need to understand what's important to you and why. I found that action for the sake of action wasn't getting me there. Making huge plans wasn't getting me there. I wasn't following through on them as I wanted to. And when that happens, it's easy to spiral into blaming yourself and having negative self-talk. And I didn't understand why I was failing even though I had great plans and processes set out. It wasn't a lack of motivation, but a lack of clarity on the 'why'.
The other main thing I found for myself is how I understood my goals. What I realized is that I was subconsciously framing my goals like this - If I achieve (X), then I will be happy. To give a concrete example - If I lose weight and get my muscle definition back, then I will be happy about how I look and will feel comfortable going out in the dating world. What I realized was that I was deferring my happiness and self-worth on something in the future. And that the only purpose for my working out was so that I could swoon some ladies with my good muscular looks (i know it takes more than that). So when I realized that I was deferring my happiness on a variable like that, I changed up. Instead, I started telling myself that my goal is to workout because I enjoy being physically active and want to be a healthy person. With the way I had my goal set up, I was also activating a part of myself that is afraid of success. I have always been comfortable living in the 'failure' zone so I could victimize myself and come up with a hundred excuses why things are the way they are.
I hope this all makes sense. One of the best articles I've read about this that cuts through the conventional nonsense is by Kris Gage called 'how to build your self-esteem'. Just search for it and you will find it. I mean not just you, but people who are reading here. I have some minor disagreements with it, but I think overall it's a great blueprint to start working on your self-esteem and self-worth.
