3 years pieced and still a work in progress!

[BluWave]

Thanks, guys. Much appreciated. I'll keep posting random nuggets as I think of them.

So I was hanging out with my BFF yesterday, just chatting by the pool for hours. She has been uncoupling from her long term partner for the last two years and he still can't accept it. She mostly called it off two years ago when her son moved out, and so she sold her house and then moved into a very small cottage for one. He has continued to pursue her for the last two years. She doesn't invest in their R or initiate contact ever, however she is friendly and reciprocates friendship when he calls or (rarely) visits. He doesn't get it and still lives in denial. It's very sad.

One of the things she said to me is that "he doesn't actually want me, or really love me, he's just attached to the idea of me." You see, she is right. He remains attached to her even though she invests nothing or gives little in return. This makes him, and any friendship, less desirable for her. He is not able to move on with his life and create new Rs, friendships and hobbies. Even when they have hung out, he doesn't bring much to the conversation. She doesn't share much of herself or what she is up to with him either.

So why does he remain so attached to her? .... can any of you that have been at this for awhile think about this question? If someone is pulling away or breaking it off, and you remain attached, then that person naturally will lose respect for you. It demonstrates a low self worth to want someone that doesn't want you. People with high self esteem know their worth and only what to be with someone that also desires them. He is becoming pathetic in her eyes and she is losing the ability to even maintain a friendship, however she also feels sorry for him.

After BD, our self esteem is thrown in the gutter. I want you guys to realize that your strong attachment for your partner (who is actively rejecting you) is not rational. It's based on fear of the unknown and you are seeking self worth, not love. Even though their actions might have caused this damage, only you can repair it! Getting them back will not. Following Sandi's rules, doing the 180s and GAL like crazy, is the way towards that. Hold your head up high around your S and take your power back.

I have known my BFF since childhood and her EX since she met him 18 years ago. There are several things about him and their R that didn't work for her. I do still think if he were able to do the things here and follow the advice here, she would give him another chance. She cares about him and they have so much shared history. But he is unable, or unwilling, to detach from her and really make positive changes in his life. He can't get on his own two feet and create a better life for himself. He is waiting for her and even though he pretends he is moving on, it's so obvious he's not.

Blu