WAW - Managing Limbo Period Pt 2

[40free]

Thanks for the honest and frank assessment V. Lots of questions, all fair and to the point, and I'll try to my best to answer each, albeit some of them I'll need to think harder on, given I've clearly spent the last x years in some kind of relationship denial and missed all the signals, or maybe chose to ignore them. I think my NGS / conflict-avoidance is part responsible, the more I learn about myself and how I behave.

what was it about you that WAS was attracted to?

I guess I'm not bad looking, funny, can be charming, driven professionally, and would do anything for her. I was always the 'nice guy', rather than the a$$hole, was besotted, and we did love spending time together. I guess she saw me as marriage material, and we did have a chemistry. At least I thought we did.

What did you stop doing to woo her even in M?

I'm not sure. I always did nice things for her, bought her flowers, gifts, took her out. Not so it was monotonous, just semi-regularly. She's not at all sentimental though, so whilst I think she appreciated things I did for her, this didn't particularly float her boat. I guess when the kids came along, and all that comes with them, the focus was on them rather than us. I travelled a lot, and so had less energy for us, and that meant she had more space. And she likes her space, and got used to me not being there. She stopped being pleased to see me, I stopped making effort, it is spiralled down from there.

Did you have date nights?

Yes, not on a fixed schedule but we did go out the two of us, relatively regularly. Even more recently. But as far as I can recall, it was me who initiated these things, not her. I even suggested nights away and trips, which she did, but the ones I remember in recent years, with the benefit of what I know about how she felt, she was just going through the motions. I can't put my finger on precisely when the change happened tbh, but probably after the kids came along, which is quite some time ago.

Did you lose interest in you?

Do you mean interest in me, or her? If you mean me, yes, I think probably I got so caught up in trying to build my new business, having lost my job, and had to travel a lot and work evenings, weekends, holidays, that I lost my own mojo, probably was not as fun, and the downtime I had I spent with the kids, or trying to have a life outside of the family, rather than with her. She says I spent more time keeping others happy in that downtime than with her, which is what she really resented (not the work travel). I guess that's my NGS kicking in again. And something I really do need to work on.

Did you lose interest in her or sex with her?

I never lost interest in her or sex with her. Never. She is beautiful, sexy and I have always felt that way. Even as she has gotten older, she takes care of herself, and I want to be with her even more. I have quite a high sex drive, and so living with and loving her in these last few years when the feeling has clearly not been mutual, as been very frustrating for me. What happened was she gradually stopped trying with me, stopped responding to my affection, stopped being appreciative of things I did for her, and so I stopped trying myself, subconsciously at least. It's been very hard to take.

Now it is said that generally men have intimacy for sex and women have sex to get intimacy. WAS does not feel emotional connection to you and despite that she stayed in the M. That is some doing. Classic DB is bang on for you, trying to get WAW into the MBR will repel her completely as she does not have that connection with you. That is something that YOU will have to TANGO.

Funnily enough, I may go against the grain here. Sometimes I do just need sex, but actually what I am missing most at the moment is the intimacy. Are you saying she is some of kind hero for staying in the M for so long despite not feeling emotionally connected to me? And do you mean this means I should be DB'ing like mad to change how she feels?

Also, you say here that trying to get her in the MBR will repel her. Yet you also say if we are Piecing, then we should be together in the MBR. I'm confused. Maybe you think we're not actually piecing yet, and have work to do before we are, and she will move back in? What do you mean "TANGO"?

So WAW does not mean what you think by her statement. You are lucky WAW is telling you very clearly in unequivocal words what is wrong for HER

By 'her statement', you mean that she hasn't wanted to be intimate with me for a long time? And this means very clearly that she's had no emotional connection with me all that time? So I should be using that statement to work on getting that connection back?

Do you know her love language? Do you know your own?

I thought I did for both, but it's been such a long time that I'll need to work that out again. But don't we have to rebuild the connection, have fun, enjoy each other's company first, because we can go near the love part?

What do you know about WAW? Have you included building soft communication skills as a goal? Do you know about seduction and attraction? Do you really know?

I thought I knew her well, but since BD she has changed to someone I don't know or recognize, as it's clear she has been hiding how she really felt for a long time. I do need to work on communication skills. I thought I was ok at seduction but am clearly very rusty, and marriage and the drudgery of life has clearly numbed those skills. And that's why she went elsewhere to feel that 'spark' as she puts it. I have a lot to work on, I know, just don't know in what order to do so. I feel that really it should be about enjoying being with each other first - finding my old self, who she was originally attracted to, and enjoying being me again before I go anywhere near the seduction. Don't you think? I agree though, DB'ing and wishful thinking won't be enough. I will think some more on all of those things, but if you have suggestions on self-development and improvement, they'd be welcome.

Thanks again for taking the time to provide your guidance. It really is appreciated.