My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 3

[ovrrnbw]

Hey V,

my WW has no dating profile that I have ever seen or known about (that was in Steve's post though). She does feel sorry for herself, most of her remorse is self centered as is most of her focus in our talks.

I do need to hold firm on my boundaries. Say something like "Sorry W, I'd love to discuss that with you but I cannot as you are still seeing OM."

Steve,

thanks for sharing that story. My biggest takeaway from that is to continue detaching and dropping the rope. She said things are crazy in her head - her head literally hurt trying to figure this all out and she complained about it several times. She described it as "being in a tornado". So I need to be the calm one, sure about myself and my boundaries. Letting go, made me strong inside, and after yesterday I am softer. I need to get strong and continue with dropping the rope and not tying my happiness to her crazy ass feelings.

AS,

my response was to validate and then talk her out of it. I spent way too much time doing that when I should have just validated, left at that, and got back to my day as if it were nothing. I hope to make a lesson out of it and not a habit.

Now for today:
I texted her in the morning about her expressing some puling back that I was going to do and disappointment on my part. She started blowing up my phone with calls and texts. Some sad, some mad, some explanations. Then some truth about her feelings being all over the place and how she can't control them. And how she isn't strong right now and that she wants me to understand.

Then we talked on the phone, I validated her feelings. She asked and I told her what my day looks like and what stops I was making (including one at our favorite lunch place since I was going to be in the city). She calls back later saying her lunch plans fell through and can she come with me. I said yes, and she met me at my office. It was pretty ok, light talks for the probably half the time but she asked about my sister and me and Mom and the lake and Dad too. I told her Mom knows and she kinda cried.

After lunch she said "do you want to try with me bc you care about me or just bc of your vows?" And I said no, "not bc of my vows". And I asked her the same question and she answered the same. We both cried a little and held hands for the rest of the ride. Then I asked "that doesn't mean you want to try with me though right? And she didn't say she did want to try. We talked a little more and I just kept validating her feelings and not trying to convince to go against them. She is scared of getting hurt being with me (that's what she said anyways).

When we got back to my office I said I saw you were looking at VRBO’s (condo rentals) and what was that about? And she said she kinda wants to go (to Florida)… We talked for a minute I said goodbye and went to walk in the office, she asked for a hug so I gave her one. She held on for a while. Now she’s at OM’s apt. I’m prepared to hear how dumb I am.

I think I need to:
1. Shutup
2. Stop pursuit again
3. Listen, validate (except BS)
4. Firm up boundaries.
5. Remain distant/unavailable for phone and text