AtlDave -- my first reaction when you suggested that an HD could be made LD by being approached by a more HD was to say, "yeah, right", but I forced myself to consider the possibility. I could see where with my wounded emotions right now that could definitely happen. My thought processes, emotional processes, and even spirituality are warped from years of this. But if LONG TERM the HD is frustrated with an LD and then when faced with an HD becomes LD, doesn't this say they really fear intimacy? And I don't think that is really me. Pretty mind-bending. Call me one-sided, but I have come full circle -- thought it was LD's prob, then tried to make it mine so I wouldn't hate her, now am back to it really is her.
2X -- I think hairdog was a bit one-sided. I can see his point, but if you were making $60k for a period of time, you're not exactly lazy, just gave up. I have known a number of women who really were better being the bread-winner. It is hard to make it work, but requires the same basic qualities in reverse -- the money making partner must truly VALUE and express that VALUE to the domestic partner. To be fair, if you are not working, you should be doing the cooking, cleaning, childcare, and should give some unwind time to your hard-working wife and you need to have a very frank talk to see if she can really live life this role-reversed. I know 1 who does it and has for years and it works for them.
Lettie -- thanks for your post. Can I say I almost cried. Tried for 10 years to get W to talk to someone anyone. Can't be a pastor -- couldn't go to church with someone who knew her "dirt", can't be a stranger 'cause it's embarrassing -- basically I finally realized it was really "don't care enough". Have begged Drs in my state to talk frank with her. I live in one of the most unhealthy states in the country and apparently they think anything short of 350 lb is okay by them. Honestly with all the Drs we see, there has been one do a bit of "nagging" but not write a scrip for anything to boost metabolism, talk about a heavily monitored diet. Baryatric is probably out of the question with everything else -- too many risks.
Breast reconstruction is another story. Sadly, being a total breast man, I did and do have to agree with the decision -- it was as much mine as hers. We consulted, saw pictures, and talked to several who had. Let's just say if you have not looked at it for reconstruction you may have the idea I did going in -- must be easy, look at all the starlets getting enhancements, looks good. HA! The reality is > 50% of the time the muscle or fat doesn't "take" (turns black and has to be cut off). Requires 4 surgeries and the sacs will leak (never last more than 10 years). Even at its peak, it looks nothing like a real breast. More like ugly bumps that will hold up a bra -- and this is the success pictures they show so you can imagine the failures. Honestly, the fake ones she has (Amoena) use memory foam and are VERY realistic.
If she could only realize it is all about attitude -- make the best of what you have -- I'm not expecting a movie star, but 130 lb would be great. Act sexy. Act interested. Find things that DO turn you on even it is not breasts. Be appreciative. If she only knew how much I really do care given all the negatives I deal with to hang in there.
Now I'm full circle. AtlDave may be right. The HD who connects with an LD may really be a masochist who will find a way to be opposite of whatever they have. Sigh.
Thanks all. I have good friends where I live but there is something different about people who "get it" without a lot of explanation and the freedom to commiserate without them needing to cheer you up. It is enough to be understood sometimes.
AtlDave -- I loved your tag line about living in fear. Mine's not nearly as pithy, but I have always visualized my marriage as "Death by mosquito-bite". No huge wounds, but a slow draining that is fatal nonetheless.
