Re: Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 3

[Davide]

I feel like I reached a turning point out in the desert. I was camping for 2 nights alone and spent most of my waking hours alone as well. The beauty and majesty of the place really spoke to me. In the past I think the scale might have made me feel small or insignificant, but this time it made me feel connected to the universe, that I am a small part of the same story being written on the cliffs and rock formations. I dont remember the last time I felt as at peace with myself.

Previously on my trip, even when I was camping in Montana by myself, I was constantly striving for something to do - a hike to take, a book to read, a podcast to listen to. I still felt the need to be busy, to occupy my mind. But in Utah I was able to slow myself down and simply be with myself. I was enough. Of course, the spectacular scenery clearly helped put me in the right frame of mind. I was able to fall into a state of grace, feeling gratitude for the opportunity to be there, to gaze on such beauty, and simply gratitude for being alive. I felt balanced and centered, as if everything was in its correct place. I think what I was most happy about was the way that I was able to reach that state even yesterday, a day full of anxiety and nerves due to a lack of sleep. By the evening as I drove along the Colorado river with red rock cliffs looming on either side, I forgot about my worries and my sitch and simply appreciated the ride and awesome vista.

As I drove back through the gorgeous mountains and canyons of Colorado I maintained those feelings. I think that time alone in nature, away from the hustle and bustle of "real life" is probably crucial for reaching this state. As I drove into Denver and the chaos of city traffic and bad GPS directions began to press down on me I felt the same old anxiety start to creep up again. Thoughts about the future and about my sitch started to return and I could feel the tension in my gut and the quickening of my heart rate. What I need to do now is find a way to regain that state of grace while returning to the city, to my house, to my situation. My thought is that starting each day by vocalizing what I am grateful for is a start. A daily morning meditation or yoga practice as well. Luckily, there are beautiful woods right behind my school as well. After BD I spent my lunch hour walking the woods and listening to podcasts. I think that simply walking those trails in silence might be even more beneficial at this point. The next 10 days I will be far from home, but in the craziness of city-life with friends and work colleagues around. As good as it will be to spend time with them, I still want more practice cultivating the inner silence I found in the desert. Even right now, I am at a friends house, a friend I hadnt seen in 7 years, but I asked for a half an hour to come sit in quiet and write this reflection while it is still fresh in my mind.