Introduction

[Accuray]

TJT,

So sorry to read what you've been going through. It's a shockingly familiar pattern. What is absolutely amazing is that everyone on this site tends to come from very different backgrounds and have very different relationships, but when things start to fall apart the dynamics are entirely predictable and consistent.

The great news about that is that there are thousands of pages written about what has not worked for anyone once this dynamic starts.

The tragic news is that no one believes in the accumulated wisdom because it is counter-intuitive and requires tons of self-discipline. It seems everyone needs to play out the same mistakes over and over again in their own way until they eventually gain enough experience to see and agree upon what they should have done to begin with.

If you step back from this situation and look at it as an impartial observer, you have an H who:
-- has historically been conflict avoidant and failed to work through relationship challenges with you
-- has shown limited interest in stepping up to give you what you need in this relationship
-- has invested more of himself into his relationships with his coworkers than into his family
-- has contributed less than a third to the financial well-being of the household

Yet despite all this, he's now calling all the shots in the relationship, making you feel "less than" and undesireable through his disinterested demeanor toward you, and making you jump through an ever-changing series of hoops, not for any near term gratification but just for the possibility of maintaining hope for something to somehow get better at some uncertain future date.

If you step back and look at things from this perspective, what do you think is driving you so hard to try to maintain this relationship, which, according to your own recounting, doesn't seem to have been very fulfilling for YOU for a very long time?

Why do you think you feel this burning, urgent need to bring H back to the table and do all the work in order to save this?

Let me be clear, I'm pro-marriage, and I'm all in favor of helping you set things right, so I'm not asking you these questions to dissuade you from saving your marriage. We can get to that. Before we do, I'd like you to DIG DEEP and question WHY you are motivated to act the way that you're acting right now.

It's really critically important to understand that, because this drive that you're feeling is your #1 worst enemy. Nothing will derail your chances sooner than continuing to follow your inner voice.

So why is your inner voice telling you to do these things when to any third party observer, it looks like HE is the one that should be fighting to get YOU back?

Acc