Affair, no feelings...is there hope? V

[sandi2]

I definitely understand what you're saying. I guess what I meant about other ways is that I don't really feel like I need to literally read all her messages or have full access to her phone like she's on probation.

Well, that's your decision.

Ideally, in my mind, I wouldn't need to monitor her every message like a teenager and she would be understanding and transparent on her side, offering me enough information and openness (as in, have sensitivity over how I must feel after what she's done) that I feel safe, which I would.

I don't think you understand how transparency works. I'm not going to talk about it any more with you (if I don't forget I've told you this). You know she won't agree to it, and so you make excuses of why you don't need it. Just realize that if she is not working toward building a trustworthy relationship with you, then I seriously doubt she is going to be open in the ways you want/need.

You mentioned how she won't discuss her past. I am wondering if some of her behavior stems from her FOO.

My only problem is knowing when to drop that hammer, when she's had enough time...I think you discuss the progress topic further down but right now I have the mindset that I can have patience while things are moving in a positive direction but if it plateaus or backslides, I'm out.

What do you mean "drop the hammer"? When she's had enough time for what?

I talk about a WW having a processing period, to work through her issues. However, you need to understand that is when the WW makes the decision to do the right thing toward saving her M. It starts with her ending all contact with OM. She may not have a change in her feelings right away, but she can change how she acts.

She now openly admits to having feelings (opposed to before) and the situation has changed ("progressed"?). The problem is she is still stubborn and has a wayward mindset and she isn't going to recommit, at least not truly, until that changes. Like you say, even if the A is over, doesn't change anything in regard to mindset. The "progress" is hopeful (I think), but again, how long should I have patience? I know that is up to me, but I am wary of checking myself and making sure I stay objective.

I think you have this idea that you're suppose to allow her a certain amount of time to shape up. To cut to the chase, you should not tolerate any wayward behavior from her. She can control her actions, words, and attitude she uses with you. Therefore, you should not give her a period of time before she decides to start treating you right. She has always been capable of being good to you, she just chose to treat you badly. She did it in such a way that you questioned yourself about the gravity of her actions. You made excuses for her, etc. Even if there are issues linked to her FOO, the woman knows she is treating you like cr@p! So, don't let her get away with it. There should be consequences for anyone who treats you disrespectfully, don't you agree?

The processing period, you mention, is suppose to be for her to work through her personal issues (like resentment, unforgiveness, disrespect, etc). Ideally, the two of you would seek professional MC, and perhaps she would need IC. However, it doesn't work if she won't cooperate. If she won't at least admit to herself how sh'tty she has treated you, and decide to get the tools to have a really good MR.......then I don't think she'll make the changes.

She probably needs professional help, but you can't make someone do it. The thing here in your sitch, is that you don't know if she has decided to do the right thing, or not. So, you don't know if she is trying to work on her issues. All you can do is observe her actions, attitude,. and words. You can't help what she thinks or feels.......but you shouldn't tolerate her bad behavior. There is no period to allow bad behavior. You don't take her verbal abuse. You don't put up with her abusive attitude. And, you don't take any mistreatment. That means she doesn't get to boss you around, dictate what you'll do or won't do, play mind games and test you, or any of her bullying methods. There is no period that she gets to act out, before you drop the hammer. Get that out of your head! She has to currently treat you in a respectful manner, whether she is wayward or a saint. Do you get what I'm saying?

If you feel progress has been made, that's good. If she's sleeping in the bed with you, then maybe that's a good step. Having a R talk right now is probably not a good idea. Calling her out for testing you, bullying, and other bad behavior should be done every time she does it. It doesn't mean you have to go into a R discussion.

Are you saying there can be no change from wayward status before full recommitment?

I suppose she could change anytime she wanted. However, if she's not committed to saving the MR, then what would be her motivation to change? If she gets the same things for treating you badly, as she would for treating you respectfully......what would cause her to change?

(Sorry if I have skipped around all over the place. I've got to get use to this new look to our forum).