Here's the picture I want you to see. The W has xx amount of years that she has held on to resentment toward you. Maybe you knew she was upset at some things and thought they were resolved and she got over it. Some things, you never even knew. But the truth is that she did not let go of it. The resentment grew and she begin to lose her respect in you as a man and as her H. It killed her attraction for you. She no longer had the "in love" feelings for you. Then enters OM, and she has those "in love" feelings for him. She gives her H the bomb drop, etc.
So.........let's say that something causes her fog to lift and she can see the reality of her situation. She can make the decision to stay in her M. She can agree to the terms of her H. Her willingness and cooperation is more important, at this point, than her emotions. Remember that her emotions have proven to be fickle. Don't misunderstand and think I'm suggesting that it is okay for her to express disrespect in any manner. The last thing the H should do is to allow her old behavior to continue.
So getting back to her feelings at this point......it is somewhat unrealistice, IMHO, when you remember she has to fall out of love with her H......in order to fall in love with OM. Then would you believe that upon the fog lifting, she immediately falls out of love with the OM.....and back in love with her H? It may be possible in very rare exceptions, but I think it is highly unlikely......b/c her emotions are in a mess! She has to go through a process. She has to go through withdrawals of the affair addiction. She has to let go of all that resentment toward her H, before she can experience a normal and healthy desire for him. Some women need IC in this process. I believe every couple should get MC, if at all possible. Some cases may require family therapy. All this helps each of them process their own pain, resentments, etc. I think it is rare for a couple to work through their issues without some type of pro marriage guidance.
In the meantime, her emotions do not have to dictate her decisions. As long as she is cooperating with what the H needs for his own healing and the healing of their MR, the M does not have to be placed in a holding position.......waiting until she feels a cetain emotion. He can set up a transparency plan and whatever stipulations for reconciliation he wants (family therapy, MC, etc.).
She can agree to do these things without feeling in love with her H, and even without feeling remorse. I know, b/c I made the decision to do the right thing, in spite of my negative feelings. I was not happy. I was not humble. I was not in love with my H. I was not remorseful. I still had all those negative feelings in my heart. However, the fog had lifted just enough for me to find my way to the DB board, and through the mentoring I was asked if I could make the decision to do the right thing. Being raised on "thou shalt and thou shalt not"......I had no doubt what the right thing would be. So, I did it, but it took a long time before I actually let go of my resentment and felt remorse. Once that happend, it opened the way for me to feel in love with my H.
So, even if she doesn't feel much remorse at the time, she can be willing to do the right thing. She can do these things without feeling remorseful. It helps the H, considerably, if she apologizes. Maybe she will......maybe she won't. For the H & family's sake, it is good if she is sorry and regrets the pain she has caused......but the deep remorse may not be felt until she has therapy and works though her resentment and issues with her H. If the W was very religious or had high morals, then she probably knows that she should apologize. I think a lot of apologies come from knowing what is expected from us.......rather than what is truly felt.
You see, at the point the fog lifts enough for her to see her reality, none of those issues disappear. She's just been able to stick her head out of the fantasy long enough to see reality. I mean, even if she ran back home to kiss and make up with H..........those old issues have not been settled....(not to even mention the new issues she has caused the MR). Her resentment, disrespect, and rebellion are just under the surface.
Making the decision to do the right thing is the first step. Without her cooperation/willingness to do whatever is necessary to save the M, the reconciliation will not get off the ground. In fact, she won't even make it through the affair withdrawals, unless she has some strict guidelines/boundaries.
So, you tell me which is most important, at the point of reconciliation? Her willingness to do whatever action is necessary to save the MR........or her current feelings? The H's goal is to heal, and the W's goal should be to work through her negative feelings and resolve issues.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I feel like people are saying "move her stuff so she can suffer the consequences"
This woman probably does not care at this point. To aggravate the situation anymore will only affect yourself. In my opinion. And piss her off more.
She has made the decision to have OM. Therefore she has made the decision not to share a life with Fmly1st. Therefore she has no place in their MBR. Therefore she needs to see she cannot continue to Doormat Fmly1st. Therefore she needs to lie in the bed she has made, which IS NOT the MBR.
I didnt lay down the boundaries when i found out about OM, and WIFE continued to doormat me for 3 months. coming and going from our MH as she pleased. If i hadn't moved out when I did, she would have just kept abusing me and taking advantage, and wasting my money.
My only regret was not trying harder to keep my Apartment so that S3 would have kept his room, but i never would have been able to afford it alone. I barely afforded it when WIFE lived there.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Thank you for your thoughts. I certainly have been on the emotional rollercoaster lately. Experiencing every emotion except joy. The deep pain is the worst and almost unbearable...i never though she was cabable of being so cold!!! Thankfully ive been able to make some changes to the way i take care of myself, think, etc. And that has certainly helped. Im managing much better. But i still occasionally have a moment of absolut sadness, especially when i think about holidays, vacas, etc. But as i said, im makimg progress by focusing my mind on positive productive things as opposed to being the victim. I dont want to embrace being the victim.
Im going to improve myself so that im better than ever!!! Its all i can do. And i owe it to me and my kids!
Thanks again. Its nice to know others read your sitch and take the time to share thoughts.
Thank you for your thoughts. I certainly have been on the emotional rollercoaster lately. Experiencing every emotion except joy. The deep pain is the worst and almost unbearable...i never though she was cabable of being so cold!!! Thankfully ive been able to make some changes to the way i take care of myself, think, etc. And that has certainly helped. Im managing much better. But i still occasionally have a moment of absolut sadness, especially when i think about holidays, vacas, etc. But as i said, im makimg progress by focusing my mind on positive productive things as opposed to being the victim. I dont want to embrace being the victim.
Im going to improve myself so that im better than ever!!! Its all i can do. And i owe it to me and my kids!
Thanks again. Its nice to know others read your sitch and take the time to share thoughts.
Your feelings right now are identical to mine so it is normal. Thinking about the holidays and family vacations make me sad too. We both have to more forward and get is a positive mind set. It is so great for our kids!
You have been telling me all along to detach and work on myself. Although i struggled mightedly in the beginning, ive really gotten much better. My question is about setting boundaries? I cant live in an open marriage. Nothing has changed since i showed her proof of the affair. Not only does she still deny(dont know how she can) but she continues to sit on her phone and communicate with him everyday. Not to mention she works with him. How can i naviaget this so im not a doormat?
Fmly1st, I went through this behavior for years with my husband. I know you're just looking for Sandi's input but one thing I've come to regret in my situation is knowing there's a tough approach and a soft approach. I chose the soft one in part because I was totally unprepared to be in that situation and it empowered my husband even more. It's commendable you're navigating very carefully and not doing anything rash like hauling all of your wife's stuff upstairs and downstairs. You're thinking rationally despite being blinded by the pain and misery of being betrayed in the worst possible way. You're doing great but it does seem the advice you've been receiving about being strong and tough is the right advice, otherwise your wife will believe that even after you know about her affair you're letting things slide so she can have the best of both worlds without any consequences. The most effective strategy would be to file for divorce to show zero tolerance but the dilemma is same one that many of us face - you don't want a divorce and you don't want to be the 'bad' guy in front of your kids and wife's family filing for divorce. Perhaps you can separate and when anyone asks you can tell them the truth, that your wife found someone else, you don't want an open marriage but don't want a divorce either, so you chose to separate. I really wonder what's the best move for you - I and others may follow your thread to see how you choose to proceed. I hope you'll find the right answers to get the best possible outcome. There are a lot of other resources out there on infidelity aside from DB. Most of them say the marriage can be saved, especially if there's only been one affair, but nothing can happen until the affair ends. Therefore it seems like a waiting game to some degree. If your wife is already planning to move out then maybe you don't need to do anything except practice DB while waiting for her to leave. I hope you'll hear from Sandi soon and get the right advice in real life too from lawyers and counselors to create the best possible conditions for reconciliation down-the-road.
Nicole well stated. It is called being an enabler, and it doesn't work. People will use whatever they can use for as long as they can use it. Enablers let them use it for as long as they want.
So you can continue enabling her or you can take steps to make sure you have no culpability down the line. "I didn't tolerate it!" As Nicole said, the regrets come later.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
