Sorry not to have written for a while. In addition to other stuff, I have a brother going through a divorce because his wife had an affair through an on-line self-help site for people quitting smoking. I therefore heavily monitor my internet use to 30 minutes or so every 3 or 4 days. W saw me on this site and I told her the truth -- I found a place where I could get encouragement from people in similar circumstances. Please have patience if you post and I don't respond right away.
I have to say, I am a) glad I am not the only person in a mismatch of drives like this. Like any trial in life, it is somehow comforting to finally know you were not singled out for whatever you face in life. And b) it is nice to see that a percentage of people here share the interesting twist that faith adds to this issue. And finally c) that you all have gotten the same advice and/or gravitated to similar coping mechanisms that I have. For a change, I don't feel like I'm going nuts over this. Thank you all.
NoMojoBlues has some good suggestions and I appreciated the tongue-in-cheek or rather tongue-other-places. I will make a diligent effort to practice this next time. I do have to do a slight snicker over AtlDave and CeDad48's comments. My wife loves her feet rubbed -- it doesn't tickle her, but it never fails to put her to sleep which kind of defeats the purpose.
One aside -- do you all find that being with a LD spouse twists physical intimacy? I know in my heart that if I had married a HD, sex would be about far more than two sweaty bodies. Somehow, when it is not a mutual thing and there is so much baggage, stress, and build-up it does become like "just grab her butt, see if it is the 1/100 time and otherwise protect yourself from rejection". Paradoxically, the LD reinforces what I assume their stereotype is that it is just meaningless physical activity rather than the deepest bonding possible.
Regading history -- no alcoholism (folks are tee-totallers). Inquired many times about abuse, but I really believe there has been none -- no physical, no sexual -- the closest I can come is that as a child of about 12 with the onset of menses, her hymen was extra thick and had to be broken by her Pediatrician so she didn't get infections. She and folks were open to it and everything since confirms that she really was a virgin. Even with the hymenectomy, as I mentioned before she is still really small. Honestly the only trauma I can think of is the mismatch in the size of part a and slot b and the initial trauma of that during the first month or so of marriage. We have talked multiple times since and she assures me there is no longer any physical pain, she enjoys it, she orgasms, but that's it.
Sad to say, I think it is as simple as the primary sex organ (the brain) being not engaged. Coming from a religious upbringing, I think like many of us, pornography and fantasy were "guilty pleasures" at best. In her case, there was no effort at it -- no pleasure so there would be no guilt. The lack of fantasy life leads to a complete lack of imagination and drive. The very few times I've begged her and been able to get her to "put her mind into it" even when she didn't start out interested, it worked fine -- she got worked up, we had a nice time. I can't fathom why that is so much to ask for on a more periodic basis, but I guess for her it is a huge thing for me to ask for.
NHTom hits very close to home about trying and praying to find loving behavior in spite of with hope for the future. It is a very hard road to follow. At times, I feel bad because I think of all the people who lose loved ones in wars, etc. and know they would be grateful for whatever time whether or not physical affection was involved. But selfishly, it never feels like enough without it. It is so hard not to take the feelings of rejection personally.
Hope I didn't wait too long that you'all gave up on talking to me. SH.
