This took an interesting turn and I'm glad, I was getting tired of being a complainer. I'm pleased to see such an interesting mix of people on this site and to find people who can clearly fuse Christianity with the hard nuts-and-bolts reality of life. It is one of those issues I struggle most with.
Dr. Laura and others have indicated before that the "Three A's" are valid reasons for divorce and she adds a fourth -- the three are "Abuse", "Adultery", "Addiction" and she has added "Fraud". Most of these words can be warped pretty far if you go out your way to do it -- is sexual refusal a form of "abuse"? Is it if it fosters Sin through lust and even jeopardizes the spouse's soul? Have I committed adultery when I wish and fantasize about my wife, but in moments of temptation succumb and look at pictures and stories that are clearly about others? Was it fraud when my wife in our celibate dating days led me to believe she was interested in an intimate sexual relationship as long as it was within the confines of marriage?
Had I to do it over again, I really think I would have gotten the marriage anulled within the first year once it became clear what was what. Truth is I was very ignorant (as are most 21 year olds) of personality types, my own emotional makeup, etc. At this point, however, with children there is no way I could justify it to myself for anything short of adultery in classic sense (sex with another guy), abuse (in the form of physically beating the H*** out of me) or addiction to an illegal drug or alcohol (she doesn't smoke, but I don't think cigarettes count)
I can certainly appreciate CeMar's point of view and I'm thankful he shared it with me. I may not act on it but it is nice to know I'm not the only one to think it. Billy Graham even famously said once that "I've never considered divorce, but I've occasionally considered murder!"
Things are so much more complicated now. W and I actually "made love" if you can call it that yesterday for only the 2nd time in 10 months. Honestly, this may make me sound like scum, but I was a total "breast guy" and it is so hard having a woman without breasts -- I don't know how to turn her on. She doesn't like oral which leaves what? Blowing in her ear? Grabbing at it? Having her double her ideal weight (120 lbs over) and the other stuff -- I mean I'm 170 lbs, reasonably fit, a good provider, I don't think I'm a total toad. It's bad enough she doesn't care about her appearance for herself, but it is a total insult to me too.
I don't know. In my better moments, I think I should be darn happy to have a faithful woman without the complications of divorce and child custody. She is a good cook, a great mother, and generous with her time to other people which reflects well on me since I facilitate her ministeries with others.
I forget who mentioned it, but regarding love styles, we are not so different on that with the exception of sex, but we are very different on communication styles. My family was a bunch of "yellers" so I am perfectly content to have strong outbursts and then kiss-and-make-up. Her family never raised a voice in twenty years. That is a huge difference.
The "His Needs, Her Needs" class used a concept of "the love bank" with kind behavior being deposits and conflict being withdrawals. On that scale, we are almost always hovering right around being overdrawn.
Any of you want to let me in on your stories at all? I'm interested to know who else is dealing with what? I don't want to just be a taker.
