Arsh - thanks so much for taking the time to read through my sitch. It really is appreciated, especially when you have so much going on with yours. I have just spent the afternoon reading your thread(s) from beginning to end, and I wish you strength to get through it. I do have some views and will post on your thread shortly.
On mine, I think you (and my instinct) are right. I think the decision by W made is because she can't face the alternative, not because she actually wants to try to make things work with me, or can see a chance of her feelings changing.
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I feel the restlessness in your posts but be patient
I suppose I am somewhat restless, or at least I have my moments, but generally speaking, the last few days, as I thought we were heading towards D and telling the kids, a calm acceptance did descend which made detaching easier. I think this surprise decision of hers has brought back that chink of hope that I had been trying to quell for so long, and it's the hope that gets you. I have to tell myself to go with it for now, but keep my expectations very low. We have a long way to go.
For the MBR, yes, I have concluded this is far too soon to have her back. And I think she has too. We just did our normal thing last night - went separate ways without a word when the kids weren't looking. It will definitely be odd next week on vacation - like strangers sharing a bed. I would really be interested in the female perspective on how to handle that if you get chance to respond.
Anyway, thanks again, and will update soon.
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
Thanks AS. I don't mean to push at all tbh, so if you think I come across that way I will work on stepping back more. GAL, 180, detach - got it. I can do all that, but don't I need to strike a balance somehow so as to be also looking like I'm happy to work on the relationship too? I'm being perfectly friendly, not emotional, polite, helpful etc - certainly not needy, pushy or anything like that. We are living together, the kids are around all the time so it would just look odd if I was aloof, went out all the time, and basically fully 'detached', if you know what I mean.
I guess you'll say I'm detaching per DB not going dark/NC, and there's a difference. But I'm still learning how to do that in my context.
I will certainly go on vacation next week and invest my time in the kids. There'll be no pursuing or pushing my W from me. Still not sure how to deal with sharing the same bedroom after all this time, but we'll both get through it I guess.
And I'll try to stop the R talks if possible. Don't want to be rude though. If she initiates I'll listen, but my instinct says, she's tired of them too, and probably won't initiate for a while now she's "made her decision"..
Thanks again.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/12/1807:46 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
Try sleeping on the opposite side of the bed from what you two have become accustomed to. As for how to deal with it, just go with it. It is what it is. If nothing else, it's a bed-warmer at least. Don't put so much fear into it. There's nothing to be concerned about, so don't make it something it's not.
M: 40 W: 37 T: 20 MR: 13 S13, S9, S4 BD: 1/29/18 Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out) 8/24/18 I come home, she moves out
If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
Hi Steve - thanks for detailed feedback as always. Yes, I had started to read your threads and will continue to do so. Remarkably similar, so really helpful to see how you managed your sitch, as I'm sure there are lots of learning points.
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WAWs do not come to the idea of leaving their marriages quickly. Most experts I've read said that they've moved on from the MR for 2 years or more before they ever drop the bomb.
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She's been moving on mentally and emotionally for 2 years, but you think it can be fixed in a matter of days, weeks, or months?
I do keep telling myself she's been out of this relationship for a long time - I think far longer than 2 years tbh. More like 4 or 5. She tells me she's not felt like being intimate with me for more like 10 years. Nice. This is part of the reason why I am so surprised she picked #2 rather than #1, but also why I don't have high expectations at all that whatever work we do with the MC will turn her around. I actually don't think this will get fixed a few days or weeks, but was just surprised she flip-flopped in such a short space of time. Maybe I shouldn't have been, give WAW tendancies.
And thanks for the tip on the MC. Actually, we have scheduled to see the same person we saw together just after BD, and that my W saw individually for 1 session to help her think over whether it was possible she could feel differently about me after all this time. The outcome of the session my W had was that the MC thought it was unlikely she would get the love/desire/spark back, and this was a contributing factor to my W's original decision to go for #1 not #2. So now I think about it, I am wondering if she is the right counsellor to go back to together. She does have the right type of experience and expertise for our particular sitch, but I am now concerned she might be more the divorce counsellor like you suggest. Maybe we'll have 1 or 2 sessions and see how it goes since she does know us, and we both did like her.
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What I can guarantee is that pursuit, pressure, snooping, etc.......they do not work.
Yep, roger that. I have stopped all of that activity, and actually am feeling much better for it. I think that means I am doing better at detaching, but maybe it has also been helped by her telling me (and me believing her) that she is no longer seeing the OM. I can see in her behaviour and activity patterns that this is probably true, and it does take a lot of the anxiety away and enables me to focus more on the main issue between us. Sounds like you had the perfect result after a lot of hard work, and that's something I can definitely aspire to.
Given your BD was only 6 or 7 months ago, it seems you and your W have made a lot of positive progress in quite a short time. How long was it before you felt she was turning after the start of MC? You suggest a month below, but presumably you saw positive signs through the homework you were doing. Also sounds like keeping it light and fun was really important - something I also think will be critical for us, given the intensity of everything at the moment. I just want us to enjoy ourselves again, and need to find a way to get this back without making it forced or false - which has been the case before when I tried too hard.
What should I look out for to indicate my W might be turning a corner? I know I'm a long way off that, but worth noting to see if the MC coupled with my continued DB'ing is having any effect.
And do you have any views on how long to wait (or what relationship milestone to hit) before thinking about her return to the MBR? Again, I don't plan to rush into this, but I've seen someone say elsewhere (not sure if it was my thread or someone elses), that if you are working on the R, then you should both be in the MBR to create the new normal. I don't feel ready for that yet, but I guess there is some logic to the statement, so wondered what your thoughts were.
Thanks again.
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
