I'm going to add some thoughts I have after reading some of the threads by posters that may feel stuck at times.
Don't have anything too exciting to report. Summer is moving along. My younger Ds are busy with sports and camps. My oldest D is working and coming/going as she pleases, without helping in our home. I'm having a hard time knowing how to parent a young adult (possibly bipolar) that still acts like a younger teen at home. Sigh. Probably need to join a different group for support in that area!
We have several vacays this summer so a lot to enjoy and look forward to. H and I have been doing some house projects, which feels good. I have gone back to yoga (which I did a lot during the lowest points in my sitch) and so that feels like a move towards healing for me. I'm going to train for a half marathon this fall and so I'm excited about that. Mostly I am trying to check my attitude about day to day things, as I do think we can change the outcome of life as we change our views. We all get so stuck in our thinking and it can be hard to be truly open minded. I had to get out of the crisis part of my sitch to develop this way of thinking, and I believe I am on my way.
I was hesitant to return to yoga in the last couple years because I was worried it would be a trigger and bring up old feelings. I chose to change my perspective and it worked. I am seeing it for all of the postive that it provided and so far it feels great. I realize I have a choice in how I "feel" about things, which is influenced by the part I focus on, the words I use to describe it and letting go of fears. I feel like all of the posters here could benefit from getting this power back. I certainly think my sitch would have been less painful if I was more open minded whike I experienced it. I let my fear get in the way every time.
So I wanted to share a couple things that might have helped me feel less stuck. These are just a couple and I will add to it as I think of them.
1. The words we use to describe our sitch molds the way we think and thus feel about it. I think its important to select words that reflect an attitude of strength and growth. Words like "never" and "always" keep us stuck in absolute thinking and don't create space for improvement. Think about your word choices and frame them in a way that allows for change. Some posters write in a way that is convincing or persuasive and I would challenge you to stop doing that because you are closing yourself off to support and advice that could help you.
2. Trust the advice here and from the people that care about you. It may not feel intuitive, but when you are hurting and scared, you are acting based on emotions and that rarely goes well. Try and separate how you feel from what you do. It's okay to feel hurt, angry and desperate, but not act in a way that reflects that. It has taken me a long time but I try and separate those things in all of my Rs. We can feel dissapointed in someone and still behave in a way that is respectful, but also not allow them to take advantage of us (being too nice or spineless). It can be a fine line to walk, however the more you make your actions based on rational logic and not emotions, chances are you will feel better about it later.
3. Do not measure success based on other people and external factors. Also, success, and whatever that may mean for you, can usually only be measured over time and not on the day to day results. Success is not getting your S back, them responding how you want them to, or moving closer towards R. I know that doesn't resonate with people, but it's the simple truth. Success is the ability to make positive changes within ourselves, detachment from those things and people that harm us, and over time creating more healthy Rs with people that deserve us. For some of us our own success might lead to R, however for most it will not.
This is okay because success is not getting a person back that doesn't value you, respect themself or want to be M to you. You don't actually want your S as they are, even if you can't detach from them! You want someone that wants you, respects you, and is willing to be accountable for their mistakes and will make positive changes. Just chew on that for a few minutes.
You have complete control over your success. Allow yourself to bring in small changes, even with the words you choose and where you put your thoughts and focus. Change the way you think, process and write here. Take the advice here and apply it. Over time, you will have success I promise!
Just my thoughts for today. Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
