WAW - managing limbo period

[SteveLW]

40free, you should really read my threads! So many parallels to our situations.

Your instincts are likely correct. If she could wave a magic wand and take out the fact that she'd have to face her kids, and other people, she'd probably choose #1 all day long right now. WAWs do not come to the idea of leaving their marriages quickly. Most experts I've read said that they've moved on from the MR for 2 years or more before they ever drop the bomb.

That is important and needs to be understood. BD is not the start of your MR being over. All newbies understand this please! IF you are a LBH, your WAW has been looking for an exist strategy for 2 years PRIOR to BD. This puts into perspective the amount of time that has occurred since BD, doesn't it? She's been moving on mentally and emotionally for 2 years, but you think it can be fixed in a matter of days, weeks, or months? Yeah, not likely.

If she is suggesting counseling, even if you don't believe her heart is completely into it yet, go ahead and do it. But like all other things with WAWs have ZERO expectations. Also, talk to her after each session. If either of you have an inkling that the MC isn't right, do not hesitate to change MCs!! This is important. Try to find a marriage-friendly MC (usually faith-based is the safest), other wise you might end up with a Divorce Counselor instead.

Here is the key. Even if her heart says #1, and it is her head choosing #2 for a variety of reasons, don't worry about that right now. Give it a go and see where it ends up. In my sitch my W went into MC and working on the MR very reluctantly. The big things were that she did the MC homework. We attended a faith-based marriage retreat. The combo of the three (MC, homework, retreat) coupled with my consistent DBing, (detach, 180s, GAL) led to us moving into R. None of those things by themselves did it. Those things in concert blended just right to move us there. Your formula might be different, but work to find what works in your sitch.

What I can guarantee is that pursuit, pressure, snooping, etc.......they do not work. Each of those things set us back ,each time I gave in to them. It wasn't until I dropped that rope and stopped those things that our marriage moved forward.

At the retreat, during lunch, we had a really bad moment where she rebelled against what she was hearing, and I allowed myself to get dragged into a really intense R discussion. After that I let it go, we went back to the afternoon session of the retreat, and things improved. We had a lot of fun and kept things light on the way home from the retreat. We continued in that vein for the next couple of weeks. Due to some school events for D14, and the retreat, we didn't have a MC session for about a month. At the next one we both were very much committed to working on the MR. The MC was astounded at our progress. My W told her, when asked if she was leaning toward leaving or staying that as we kept things light, fun, as we continued our weekly date (in our case Friday lunch), she was leaning more and more towards staying and working on the MR.

I say all that to point out that that would never have happened if I kept pursuing and pressuring and snooping. Those behaviors ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS resulted in my initiating a R talk. And always set us back. If you can cut out those things and keep things positive, upbeat, and happy then I think you have the potential of following a similar path.