Quote: Honestly I think sex is just not her thing and it kills me that it started practically the day we were married. I always thought the intimacy of a "soul mate" would be part of marriage. I have had a few people in my life that I really connect with -- none that I dated because they were always in a different status of life than I was.
Sigh. This is so familiar. We've been married for 20 years (21 this July), and we've rarely had sex since the first 18 months. My wife would really prefer that we just have a non-sexual marriage. I can't even deal with the concept.
Quote: At this point, as SD pointed out, there is a lot of water under the bridge. I feel like my chance for happiness is gone and the best I can do is keep my kids from the same fundamental mistake I made -- I just wish I knew what that was? Probably getting married at 21 was just too young, but it sure didn't feel like it at the time.
Are you familiar with Gary Chapman's book, "The Five Love Languages"? You can look at it here:
If you are a person who receives love primarily through touch, and sex is a big part of that, then it's very hard to really feel loved when touching and sex are not present.
Quote: My comment about both being firstborns was my way of indicating that I am married to one stubborn woman and the lack of mutual give and take has always been a part of it. Well, W is right here so I need to click send.
You have to get past this stalemate. Chapman suggests that the best way to do this is to find out how your partner experiences love, and stubbornly show love to your partner, without trying to change your partner at first. When you start to see your partner experience that love, then make one gentle, specific request. Over time, you can start to make more. If you focus on sex, and on getting what you need, then it's going to be hard to get past the stalemate.
But it's hard. We're working on it, my wife has at least become open to discussing it, is going to her own counselor, and has started to show love by touching me and cuddling with me.
