Can I really do this #4

[Dtrmned]

Good Morning All!
Nothing really new to report. Again, my W is struggling. Don't know if it is health related (always an issue) or MR related or kid related or something else. Just that she is very distant this week and I can feel it. She did cook us a nice dinner last evening and made a point to come and find me when it was ready so there was that. She is way shorter in her answer to answer queries I have to her regarding anything. She doesn't want to talk about anything right now, let alone finances (lord forbid!). But she makes sure to leave any "pertinent" bills out where I can see them. For the moment, I have just put them back in her pile. If she wants to discuss, I am open to do that, but just leaving them for me and expecting me to blindly take care of them to me is not acceptable. Woke up this morning as usual, early to get a workout in prior to work. My D is grounded in her room, no electronics, etc. and I am SO proud of her for being strong. W did take her to the library and she got about 10 book to read. I love my kids so much more when they don't have their electronic distractions. Their personalities come out more, they interact with each other (and us if my D liked me right now) and it just seems to lift the air in the home. Despite the grounding part, I walked out of my room this morning and as always check on both S and D in their rooms prior to heading to the workout room. To my great surprise, my S was sleeping on the floor in my D's room. They just ended up reading together and he fell asleep in there. I realize this is my D looking for any kind of connection, but it touched my heart that they are leaning on each other and my S is the sweetest person in the world. He loves his sister so much. My heart jumped with joy as they were still sleeping and I enjoyed the moment of knowing they are connecting through my D's punishment. I cannot show weakness and have to stand my ground and enforce the rules as the parent. I kind of let this one slide and enjoyed the moment since no one else saw it. Also made me very sad for our family at the same time. I don't know why. Maybe self pity as I have to be the disciplinarian and cannot, at the moment, be included.

AS, I must have read your post 5 times yesterday. Realizing more and more that I probably repulse her every moment is so confusing to me. DB'ing again is so contradictory to what you feel you should be doing. I want to reach out, hold her, talk to her, all of those things, but I know those are cheeseless tunnels and would be me either absolutely nothing, or worse, move things further backward. I see many paths to an R in my head (I know this is wrong, but I can't help it some days). I also know that it does take 2 and at this moment, it will take her to realize our MR and our family is the best options for all of us. The pressure is building day by day, moment by moment. School is coming up and that means new clothes, supplies, activity fees, time, etc. that we don't have at the moment. I don't know if she even sees this at all or is just wanting to be delusional and push it all away or just doesn't care at the moment.

An observation I'd like some input on. Her health issues are huge. We have dealt with them for a decade and they are not made up. Weird thing is that over the last 3 months since we changed insurance plans, she has pretty much ceased going to the dr. She had one (of many) dr. appointments yesterday. This has been scheduled and rescheduled this will be the 3rd time now. I got home and asked her how it went. She said she didn't feel like it and rescheduled again. She used to have 3-4 dr appointments a month. Is she just giving up? Did she really need it before (again I've seen the tests and been in on a majority of the appointments so they are not minor and definitely not hypocondriac stuff.

But, if she can just blow them off, stop taking some of her medications and not "worry" or deal with her issues, are they really issues?

VERY confused! I know vacations are definitely not advised in these situations, but I would love just to get away to a cabin, hike, fish and just be out of the rat race for a week with my family. No electronics, board games, maybe a few movies, campfires, smores, fishing and just clean family fun. Not the 5 star room service catered vacation, just an old fashioned all alone family trip. Or just a road trip driving each day or 2 to a new monument, park or area that we can explore. Nothing over expensive, just time spent together to build memories.

School is a little over a month away so not much time. I know this is my own head, but I feel the pressure cooker beginning to build and at some point the steam has to be let out.

I was pleasant and interactive with my W this morning prior to leaving. She was as pleasant as she could be as she is not a morning person. And AS, I am truly contemplating your last sentence if this is acceptable to me, and if it is presently, how long it will be.

I am not angry nor am I depressed today. I little down seeing my children connect and knowing that things may be that one day I won't be around to see it all the time. I am thankful that they are relying on each other through this and I am going to do all I can to ensure that they will always know that I am there for them throughout my life.