My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 3

[SteveLW]

ovrrnbw, this is typical. My W did the same thing. I wouldn't react to her roller-coasting as it will just make it worse. Steady, slow, even-keeled wins the race.

I've told this before (and its in my threads) but I'll share again. About 3 weeks after BD, on a Friday night, I told my W that there was no way I would tolerate her continuing her EA and that if she wanted to work on things with me then she would have to agree to full transparency. That meant handing her phone over anytime I asked unlocked. That meant me knowing all of her PWs and having access to all accounts (social, emal, etc). Her reply? "Okay, I will start working on my resume so that I can move out."

She started that night. It was the first time I showed detachment. In fact, I think she said the line above mostly to get me to back off. When I remained firm, and acted as if I didn't care one way or the other, it was completely different than I had behaved in the previous 3 weeks. I offered to buy her any books she thought would help, especially with interviewing since she hadn't gone on an interview since 2000-2001.

She continued working on the resume the next day (Saturday). That evening she came in to the living-room. I was watching TV and doing some DB research online about detachment, letting go, etc. She sat down on the couch on the end closest to me (I was in the recliner), and sighed heavily. I ignored it. She then said "Am I doing the right thing?" I responded with "What do you mean?" She said "Leaving." I said "You have to do what you need to in order to be happy. It sounds like staying with me isn't it." She then went on about how God hates divorce. And that she so wanted to want to stay, but didn't feel that way. She cried and said she didn't want to break up our family, and do to our daughter what her parents had done to her (they divorced when she was 10). From that moment forward she never again touched her resume. I remained detached, non-reactive. I didn't console her. I remained firm on the fact that she was resolved to leaving.

But it seemed like a real breakthrough. It was the first time since BD where she seemed to be leaning toward staying. Not just in word (though she was clearly saying she wasn't sure) but in deed, by not working on her resume any further. I was filled with hope. I remember breaking down the next morning in the shower, and crying and thanking God. It showed me the power of letting go and detaching, and how that doing that was already having an impact on her even though I had only done it well for a few days. I was filled with hope!

3 days later I stumbled across her profile, that she had just put up that day, on an online dating site. Full picture, description, and a long explanation about how she was just testing the waters and couldn't date yet because she was married, but that she was done and had made it clear she wanted a divorce. And that she might not respond to messages but to go ahead and message her and she would respond once she was free.

WWs are flaky and, not to defend them, they don't even know what they want. Even after the above incident, a few weeks later I snooped and found that on another online dating site, after I confronted about the above, she had a private profile (no one could see it unless she allowed them) and she had been messaging guys that were 15-20 years younger than her! When I confronted her on that she said "I don't know what I am doing!" And though you can't believe anything they say I truly believe she didn't! Waywardness had her in its grip and she didn't feel the same way from moment to moment!

Okay this got long, but the point is simply that you have to give her time to sort out her feelings. My W followed a similar path at the beginning of R where she would have moments of not being sure R is what she wanted. Continue DBing through out this period. Stay up on GAL, 180s and detachment. One of the things that most LBHs don't realize is that Ws, and even GFs find it attractive when their Hs or BFs don't need them. Think about it, a W in an affair is all into someone that gives them a fraction of their time! The opposite of neediness is very attractive to most women. Yet we Hs that are or were codependent are so needy no wonder they aren't attracted to us!

Keep up the good work ovrrnbw....don't ever give up.