The beginning of a long and painful journey

[HelenaJ]

I ordered two sets of dog tags with my kids names birthday there weight and time they were born. I got a blue one and a pink one and kiss them before bed and have found this really helps when I dont have them with me

Good stuff, really sweet.

[Rawpain]

Wow, I really cant stop thinking of her today. We texted a little last night. The most since she stopped communication other than arguments. Only about 5 each way and it was general chit chat and I was the one to say goodbye. When she picked the kids up last night I said hi and just handed the kids over so they could have time with W and did not want to linger. When I saw her she was lobster red from her holiday but I know she will be golden bronze in a few day.
But today I really am missing her. I want to through my arms around her kiss her smell her hair.
I miss her around the family table at meal times. I want to text her and catch up call her and hear her voice. Look into her eyes.
I want her in bed next to me at night and in the morning. I m missing sex like crazy.

Im not going to text her or call her . I just really really want too but in my heart I know that she does not want any of it. I think I am just more of an incovienience and irritation in her mind. Im not really feeling down just super distracted in everything I am doing.

[Rawpain]

So W contated me today and said she wants to meet to talk through finances. This has pi55ed me off as I was asking to have this meeting before she left but she left me in the stink and took her wages after she had spent mine and left me in debt. Now she has had a dig that I will be getting the child benefit money and she wont get anything- we agreed this before she left because she did not want the hassle of the paper work and I am on the lower income. I have not said I would not help her with money for the kids. I have already said that I will be paying all the kids childcare costs- this is going to be tight as summer holidays are approaching and my S will need to go into holiday club. I have had to get a loan to pay our credit card and our overdraft off- I had to do this to get her name removed off our account- she is not paying anything towards this. We are only one year into our mortgage and if we sell we will be in debt because we payed more for the house because it was her dream home that she so desperately wanted- but she is still on the mortgage but not paying anything towards it. She does not pay her half of the life insurance to the mortgage.
I think she is going to try and ask for some of the benefit because she is struggling. I noticed she has still been buying lots of new clothes and has just had a holiday. I dont want to be giving her money just so she can have her jollies. I am thinking of saying she can ask me for money when she wants to buy things for the kids- but she has to check with me first and that I will need a copy of the receipt for the purchase. Me being controlling was not an issue in M because W always complained I was to laid back and let her make all the decisions so I dont feel this is an issue of control. Since she left I have really taken control of all my finances and got everything in order and I am just coping. I have not even received any benefit money yet.

Any advice would be welcome. Thanks in advance.

[neffer]

Hi Rawpain. First protect yourself, both in legal and money fields. Being a former ww husband myself I tell you your W has to make a long inner travel to find herself. OM, trips, clothes or whatever she is getting are no more than soothing remedies that will not last. You can not control her mind but you must protect yours.

So detach and be there for your children. Get legal advice over the financial staff.

Keep going

[Rawpain]

Thanks neffer.
I have not been posting because not much has changed. I have had a few good days with the kids and had nearly a whole week without talking or thinking hardly at all about W. Then she contacted me on Friday she said I was to pick S up on from school that night and it was my W/E to have the kids so It is my Friday to have them. This just came out of the blue because for the last month we have said if parent1 has them Friday Parent2 has them Saturday and Sunday and then we swap the following week. W said she has a girly night planned this Friday so can we start next week. I told her We have already been doing this for a month so why would it be different plus I already have plans and it is not my Friday. She txt FINE!
I should of left it there but I text back saying that she can not randomly just change dates. If she had wanted me to have the kids this Friday then I might of said yes if she had given me notice. She moved off the subject from the kids stating that she needs money as she can not afford her bills. I was very angry at this. So I did not respond until I had cooled down. I stated the facts that money is going to be tight for us both and since I have agreed to pay all the childcare that there is not going to be much money left and anything that remains will be saved up ready for my S uniform next year and his holiday club for summer. I informed her that I am not using any of the kids benefit to pay any of my bills or use any of it for myself and it is going directly into an account I have set up for them. She still tried telling me that the children will suffer and she can not pay her bills. I reminded her that I am single handedly paying back all our joint debts and fines that she is not contributing too. I also stated that just as an observation not criticism that every time I have seen her over the last month that she has had new clothes on she has had her beauty appointments and she has just been on holiday abroad. An pointed out that next month might be better for her.
W is on a higher income than me too.
I also asked her why she thought her financial trouble had anything to do with me?
She did not respond.
Saturday she stated that we need to have a schedule in place for the kids. I made one when she left and we sent it back and forth until we agreed upon it. I did her a copy and mine is stuck on my freezer. Its like she has fully lost the plot. I asked her to put a draft schedule together and I will look at it and get back to her and have left it at that.
She seems to be getting more irrational and bonkers by the day.

Should I or could I of done anything differently?

[AnotherStander]

Thanks neffer.
I have not been posting because not much has changed. I have had a few good days with the kids and had nearly a whole week without talking or thinking hardly at all about W. Then she contacted me on Friday she said I was to pick S up on from school that night and it was my W/E to have the kids so It is my Friday to have them. This just came out of the blue because for the last month we have said if parent1 has them Friday Parent2 has them Saturday and Sunday and then we swap the following week. W said she has a girly night planned this Friday so can we start next week. I told her We have already been doing this for a month so why would it be different plus I already have plans and it is not my Friday. She txt FINE!
I should of left it there but I text back saying that she can not randomly just change dates. If she had wanted me to have the kids this Friday then I might of said yes if she had given me notice. She moved off the subject from the kids stating that she needs money as she can not afford her bills. I was very angry at this. So I did not respond until I had cooled down. I stated the facts that money is going to be tight for us both and since I have agreed to pay all the childcare that there is not going to be much money left and anything that remains will be saved up ready for my S uniform next year and his holiday club for summer. I informed her that I am not using any of the kids benefit to pay any of my bills or use any of it for myself and it is going directly into an account I have set up for them. She still tried telling me that the children will suffer and she can not pay her bills. I reminded her that I am single handedly paying back all our joint debts and fines that she is not contributing too. I also stated that just as an observation not criticism that every time I have seen her over the last month that she has had new clothes on she has had her beauty appointments and she has just been on holiday abroad. An pointed out that next month might be better for her.
W is on a higher income than me too.
I also asked her why she thought her financial trouble had anything to do with me?
She did not respond.
Saturday she stated that we need to have a schedule in place for the kids. I made one when she left and we sent it back and forth until we agreed upon it. I did her a copy and mine is stuck on my freezer. Its like she has fully lost the plot. I asked her to put a draft schedule together and I will look at it and get back to her and have left it at that.
She seems to be getting more irrational and bonkers by the day.

Should I or could I of done anything differently?

For the most part it looks fine, if perhaps a bit wordy. Try to be brief and to the point. For example:

"I told her We have already been doing this for a month so why would it be different plus I already have plans and it is not my Friday."

And:

"I should of left it there but I text back saying that she can not randomly just change dates. If she had wanted me to have the kids this Friday then I might of said yes if she had given me notice."

And:

"I stated the facts that money is going to be tight for us both and since I have agreed to pay all the childcare that there is not going to be much money left and anything that remains will be saved up ready for my S uniform next year and his holiday club for summer. I informed her that I am not using any of the kids benefit to pay any of my bills or use any of it for myself and it is going directly into an account I have set up for them. She still tried telling me that the children will suffer and she can not pay her bills. I reminded her that I am single handedly paying back all our joint debts and fines that she is not contributing too. I also stated that just as an observation not criticism that every time I have seen her over the last month that she has had new clothes on she has had her beauty appointments and she has just been on holiday abroad. An pointed out that next month might be better for her."

The rest of it isn't really adding anything to the discussion and sounds kind of like you're trying to make her angry. Just be neutral and direct, no fluff. But I think you did a good job sticking to your guns!

[Rawpain]

Thank you AnotherStander
I will try and keep messages to W short and to the point. Remove the fluff!.

Something I struggled with the other day. When I picked my Kids up from her my S started telling me all about what W and OM had done at the W/E even though he had not been with her this W/E. He then started talking about having another brother and sister (OM kids) and talking about them all living together. I do not know if W is feeding him this information or if he is just assuming. This is just going to be something I am just going to have to deal with and get used to. I know it bothered me more than it should have so it’s just another element of detaching that I had not thought about.

[LoneWlf]

Raw-I am not in your stich but I can only imagine the discomfort that you must feel after hearing these comments. I encourage you to acknowledge your feelings then move on. Do not dwell in the pit of despair. What I find helps is to simply do something that takes your full effort and energy -mind and body. For me I use my workouts for you that may be something else. My point is focus on being the best you- Stay positive.

[Rawpain]

Thanks Lone wolf
I finally got out on my bike again last night the weather has been too hot recently . It really has helped with my mood and I feel great for it.
I think I will hear from W today with the draft of the kids schedule I have asked her to come up with.
I do want it to work for the kids but I have a feeling she has a secret agenda to wanting to change it. (Mind reading).

[neffer]

Just keep detaching. GAL. Set your boundaries and be there for your children.