Affair, no feelings...is there hope? V

[44tries]

Marriage experts often say that if you want a better MR be a better S. It would be difficult for a S to not respond favorably to positive changes in their S. You cannot control your S but you can control you, so if you want your S to improve, then you make improvements.

I have seen this in my own MR. My W was stressed out last night. Moving is stressful. I have maintained a positive attitude throughout the move, even when she has been stressed and become short. Last night she was short and snappy at times. I just kept responding calmly, cooly, friendly and upbeat. The result was that she would quickly change to being more friendly and calm.

So 44, you are the key. Stay consistent and vigilant in your 180s and changes. Don't let yourself go back to the old normal. Make your new normal permanent. Your W would be a fool not to follow suit.

Thank you for these words, Steve. I also can definitely see the differences I have caused just by being a better person and S myself. Like you said about your sitch, the more calm and positive I am, the more my W is. Honestly, my W's communication and treatment of me has improved SO much. I assume this is due to a combination of all the work I've done to demand respect, be a better S, be a better person individually, but also probably due in part to changes in the situation and whatever goes on in her own head. But it is important to remember how much effect we can have as only one half of the equation and I intend to stay consistent and vigilant from my side. Hopefully this will be enough to establish a new normal for both of us.



Puzzling/concerning/positive (?) conversation last night. We were in bed talking and she brought up my birthday and the trip. I told her I wasn't sure I wanted to do a trip, it wasn't necessary, and I wasn't totally comfortable spending the money on it given the circumstances. She said she would feel terrible since we didn't go anywhere last year either and money wasn't an issue. I decided to initiate what could be considered an R talk, mainly about the future. I explained that we had no plan for what is going to happen in 6 months. We have the holiday season, immediately followed by an international move, my spring tuition due, her needing to buy a new car since she is selling her local one before we leave, and the assumption that we will begin living in separate households. I told her as kindly as possible that she was crazy if she thinks we can afford all that on her salary, and we are making no attempt so far to save extra in preparation. I explained that I would hopefully be able to get a job soon after returning to the states, but I am not comfortable going into that situation without a proper cushion of funds so that I am not desperate for an immediate solution the moment I step off the plane (obviously I have been considering/trying to solve this privately for awhile). Our money is still all conjoined and with her being the sole breadwinner currently, I find this whole topic frustrating and a bit awkward. But it's something that cannot be ignored because we need time to prepare and splashing out a bunch of money for trips without a thought for the future doesn't make sense to me. Now, I understand we are in a very unique situation that allows us to travel to places we will probably never get back to (and certainly not without MUCH greater expense). We want to make the best of that, but there needs to be a plan.

Anyway, her response was that I could live with her when we move. She goes on to say that depending where she gets assigned, she is considering buying a house. I say well that's all well and good, but why the he11 would you or I want me living in it? (In slightly gentler words). She then corrects herself and says it could be our house. I don't know how to take this. I don't remember the exact words or order of the conversation, but at one point her response to me saying none of this makes any sense if we aren't together was "no matter what happens, you won't be on your own, so stop stressing." She then continued on, describing our future house and cars and the camping trips we would take with the dogs. She was deliberately using words like "us" and "ours" even after I corrected her that I would not be involved if we are separating. After the third time she told me to "stop stressing", I let the conversation end. I know in the past she hated it when I got all worked up needing an immediate plan or solution and wanted to talk it to death. So, I'm trying to have patience and letting things happen naturally. BUT is this a problem? I feel like she is passively aggressively telling me she wants or is thinking about getting back together. I want to tear my hair out.

I'm trying to keep perspective. She has only been voluntarily back in the bed for less than a week. She consistently wants to cuddle and has now added holding hands and talking about our future house. Still nothing sexual or even kissing (I haven't tried), but I don't know if that is a red flag or a patience thing. I have this weird, baseless gut feeling that she is holding back (consciously or subconsciously) on that because there is something about the A she hasn't told me, like she lied about them just kissing, etc. But I could be totally wrong and it's just a slow progression (really need some input on that topic ) or maybe all this is some kind of manipulation that I'm missing. I hate feeling like I'm back in the position without any power, which is setting off alarm bells for me. So really I'm in the same position as my last few posts...should I force a full, open R talk and see where we stand, give it more time as things aren't stagnant, or...? I don't know why I had the notion that if we got to reconciliation, it would be her coming to me with some grand gesture.

On a side note, I get the idea that she might be open to working on the MR if I proposed something specific. So if you guys do think I should force an R talk and demand she verbally recommit right now, I think it would be most effective if I had a plan of action that was more tangible than just "working on our MR". Will have to think more on this.